Tis THE Season

Every year over the past 8 years, the Christmas season is hard.  This year is no exception.  How do you go on each day and want to celebrate when there is a huge hole in your heart?  If you are like me, you run away.  You go somewhere warm and reflect and just be quiet with yourself. 

This year is extra difficult due to the year we have had.  We both lost our moms this year, a granddaughter, and a dear friend’s son.  To call it a hard year would be a great understatement. 

We will be going to San Antonio, Texas this year for our “Christmas Trip”.  Between all the losses we experienced this past year on top of the eight years without Chad we are also going through a huge system change company-wide at work.   It’s been stressful at work as well as in our personal life.  We both need this trip away to find a way to recharge our minds and hearts to even begin to prepare ourselves for what January through May will be at work for both of us.

I struggle daily with facing this world with this huge hole in my heart, but you start adding all the other things that are out of our control and you have a recipe for disaster if you aren’t careful.  I feel like I’ve been trying to be very aware and careful with my heart and emotions, but I can honestly say I have failed far more than I have succeeded and especially this year.

It’s my hope that for not only me, but for Tebo that I’m able to find a way to decompress next week and lose myself in my thoughts and feelings so that maybe, just maybe, I can come back feeling refreshed enough to manage home and work and still finding ways/time to help with our parents.  The struggle is real people and unless you have lived it you may never truly understand what a struggle it really is.  Not only is it a struggle, but it is also very exhausting.  Not physically so much as emotionally.  I’m literally tired body, mind, and soul every day.

I’m more than grateful for the husband God blessed me with, because without him there is no way I can do what I do every day.  I don’t know how he puts up with me and my emotions, but he does and does it with grace.  He seems to know what to say and when to say and even more than that he knows when not to say anything and just wrap his arms around me.  That’s sometimes all I need, because nothing said or done is going to take away the pain. 

I don’t know what the future holds for my heart, but I do know I can always count on him to stand right beside me when I need him.  I hope I can be the same support to him with the hurt he must feel over losing his mom (and really only parent he had), but I’m fearful that I will never measure up to the support and unconditional love he has shown me.

So, if I seem distant, short, absent, or any other way than “normal” to you or anyone else, please know that it isn’t intentional, it’s me trying to find my way back from what was very likely a dark place.  I try very hard not to stay in the dark space, but if I were to be completely honest I do find my way there from time to time.  I don’t allow myself to stay there, but I do find my way there at times.   So please be patient with me as I continue to navigate this sadness and do my best to carry on with the hole in my heart. 

Christmas 2018

Senior Picture

In California

9-18-2009



Christmas in Mexico, Cruise trip

Christmas 2009

2006 after graduation from high school

Before Afghanistan

Mom & Son

Camp Pendleton

TEARS

I’ve heard many times in my life that crying cleanses the soul and sometimes it’s just good to cry.  I believe there might be some truth in that, but sometimes tears mean so much more than just “crying”.

For me personally, some of my tears are heart wrenching feelings that cannot be contained another moment.  They have to fall or I feel I will explode.

Granted, I prefer to have those tearful moments in private.  That doesn’t mean it always only happens in private, but that’s what I prefer. 

I attended a funeral this week and while he was 81 years old and ready for heaven it is still hard to see those close to him breakdown.  Beyond that, it’s amazing to me how the words of a song can bring those same heart wrenching tears to flow.  That’s what happened to me this week. 

Now, if you know me at all, you know I have a soft heart and I can literally cry at commercials and do, often.  However, unless you truly and deeply know me you may not know that many times than not my tears are more of the heart wrenching kind. 

So many everyday things take me right back to losing my son.  I am only 15 days away from the 8^th anniversary of the day my son left this earth.  I won’t lie, it feels like yesterday!  It always feels as raw as that day on 12-1-10.  I don’t believe that will ever change, for me anyway.  That’s fine.  As I’ve said more than once, I never want it to get easy to miss my son.  He was my heart and soul and I miss him with every breath I take and I will until have taken that last breath.

It’s an odd feeling I get every time I hear of the passing of someone/anyone and writing it and someone else reading it may sound very strange and if you have never lost a child you may not be able to understand, but I actually find myself feeling jealous that they will get to see my baby boy before I do.  You don’t have to say it, I know it sounds crazy, but that is exactly how I feel… 

I know one day I will be reunited with him, but honestly, one day isn’t good enough for me.  I want to see his face now. 

If only heaven wasn’t so far away…

Grief

When does grief every complete it’s coarse, or does it?  I’m less than 4 weeks before it will be 8 years and I honestly do not feel like I’ve come very far.  I still feel so empty in my heart and soul.  While I know he was on loan from God and I was blessed to have 22 years with him, but I wasn’t ready for my time with him to end and I’m still not.  I don’t question why, I just miss him. 

I’m so fortunate to have the husband I do and the family and friends surrounding me, but you know, sometimes I just need my little man.  I can’t explain the kind of pain I feel in my heart on a regular basis.  It literally feels like what I would imagine a heart attack to feel like.  It is true pain at times.  I wouldn’t fight if God allowed me to have a heart attack if it would get me to heaven sooner to see him. 

Each year I think, okay, this is the year I will be able to just be home at Christmas and spend it with family and then I hit October and I’m like, nope, it can’t be this year.  I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if I will ever be there.  I struggle with whether I need to just suck it up and move forward, but honestly, it’s like my heart aches so badly that I can’t bear the thought of “celebrating” or even being home during that time.

December and May are obviously my hardest months, but there are very few days in my life now that my heart doesn’t ache like this.  Every moment I am breathing I am missing such a huge part of my heart and soul, but I’ve managed most times to push all that down deep and function and then there are times when all I want to do is cry and be alone in the quiet. 

I do not believe grief ever ends.  I think it changes, but I believe, for me anyway, that grief will always be a part of my everyday life until the Lord decides he is ready for me. 

What I do want to make sure I’m not doing is letting others see my grief daily and make sure that when they see me grief isn’t the first thing they see.  I don’t know how well I do this or if I do it at all, but I do feel I try daily. 

If only we could go to heaven for visits. 

Sisters...

I’ve written about sisters before, but my heart is heavy right now and I felt the need to get my feelings out and written down so hopefully I can move forward with whatever that might be. 

If you do not have sisters you will not understand this blog, but if you do, I’m sure you can relate if not already, eventually.

Sisters are complicated.  Let me explain.  They are your first best friend(s), but as best friends go there are always dynamics that impact that relationship.  I love all my sisters and we all each have our own individual “type” of relationship with each other.  There are times when some don’t speak and other times we can’t get enough of each other.

I miss my sisters especially when things seem to be strained or just not as it had been.  If you add other dynamics like “Life” it can feel like it adds additional strain on an already strained relationship.  That’s when I miss my sisters the most.  My love for them hasn’t changed, but the closeness isn’t there (at least for me) and I miss that more than words could possibly explain.

We always find our way back to each other and pick right up where we left off, but until that time comes and things are cleared it can be very hard and honestly extremely lonely. 

Maybe I rely on my relationships with my sisters too much and maybe that’s why it hurts as much as it does and sometimes I don’t know how to correct the situation or how/when to take the first step to improving. 

We all have other hard things going on in our lives and we don’t always see past our hard stuff to see or understand their hard stuff and I’m as guilty as any for that, but it doesn’t make the feeling of distance feel any better quite the opposite.

So, when I say complicated, these relationships are just that at times (again, speaking for myself), but when they are good it’s the most amazing relationship/friendship in the world.

I’m in a very lonely place right now in my relationships with my sisters and not for any one thing or person, just in general.  My problem is, I don’t know how to get out of it and not to have a pity party, but it doesn’t seem I can do or say anything right lately and that makes me knowing what to do next even harder.  I own that and I will have to figure out how to either fix it or learn to live with it.   I certainly hope and pray that there is a fix and not a new normal for the rest of our lives.  That breaks my heart thinking of that as an option. 

RED

October 10, 1996 reshaped our family in a way we never thought would happen nor did we expect it.  Our sweet little "RED" on the head Jessica (aka KiKi) went to be with the Lord after a courageous 5 week fight with brain cancer. 
We talk about courage a lot when it comes to certain professions or heroic efforts, but when I think of courage I think about an 8 year old little girl who always had a smile on her face fight so hard and never complain.  That is courageous and inspiring to me.  She didn't even realize at her sweet young age just how much she impacted those around her and the lasting impact she would continue to have long after she joined Jesus in heaven.
1996 was a very difficult year to say the very least for our family.  In February we lost our sister to a very rare infection.  She was only 17 years old.  Then around August our mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy.  It was during her recovery that Jessica was diagnosed (Labor Day weekend to be exact).  Not only was Jessica a trooper through all of that, but so was mom.  Mom showed not only courage during this time, but also how selfless she was to put herself, her health, and her pain aside to be there not only for Jessica, but for my sister as well. 
Our family would soon learn the hard way that life is far to short and that every day is a blessing.  I'm so grateful that my sister had another daughter that she could just drown herself in and while Jorden would never take the place of Jessica or lessen that pain of losing your child, it did give her purpose to put her feet on the ground and face the world every day.  Oh, that means she had the courage to keep going. 


Speaking from experience, that is the true definition of courage. 


You are always in our hearts Jessi Bo and missed every day, but we know you finally caught that moon and you get to see the bald headed trees from Heaven's view every Fall.

Just a few of some of my favorite pictures/memories of this sweet little RED!



Heartache in many forms

There are so many different heartaches and they are different for everyone.  I have to admit that with all the heartaches I've experienced myself none have been worse nor will any other compare to the loss of my child, but that doesn't minimize others' heartaches.
I have a sweet friend that is going through a heartache of her own within her marriage and they may or may not make it, but it certainly is a painful process until a decision is made and my heart aches for her.  To add to the heartache she is losing her grandfather.  He is in hospice now and while he has lived a wonder 93 years it is never easy to let go even when you know it's best for them.
Today regardless what your heartache is try to find someone who you trust and lean on them.  You might not even need to say a word, just sit and listen and be still. 
I'm reminded that I'm not the only person hurting and living with my own heartache.  We all have a form of that and it is very real for each of us.
We are living with aging and declining parents and that in itself is a heartache.  Our children may be facing struggles or going through a journey that we know will make them better in the long run, but it is a heartache to watch them go through it.
I have another very close friend that is going through her own heartache with watching her husband suffer from terrible burns and the healing process.  Knowing there is very little to nothing we can do to help those we love who are hurting it very much a heartache.
Whatever your heartache is try to still find empathy for those around you as you may not be aware of their heartache and you may have to put yours on the back burner to do so, but you can do it. You never know how it may bless you and soften your heartache even for a brief moment.


My thoughts and prayers are with all those heartaches out there and hoping you find that person that can be your source of strength and comfort. 

A Mother's Broken Heart

One of my dearest friends lost her son (only child) Friday night.  I never wanted anyone to have to walk this journey ever again and now, sadly, someone I love so much is having to navigate through this heartbreak.


I was told once that you never know how strong you are until that is all you have.  It's true.  I know she is far stronger than she thinks, but there won't be a moment that she is breathing that she won't hurt over the loss of her precious baby boy.


It will never get easier, but like myself and others that have had to walk this journey, she will find a way to cope.


Please don't tell her that it will get better or easier.  That is a lie!  Don't tell her you know how she feels unless you have had to lay your child to rest.  You cannot know how she feels as there is no other feeling than the loss of your child. 


If you tell her you will be there for her whenever she needs you, then please be there.  If you cannot, then please do not tell her you will. 


There is no right or wrong way to grieve and especially grieving the loss of your child.  There will be no words for her to express what and how she is feeling. 


The best thing anyone can do is just be there and listen.  Don't avoid her and don't be afraid to bring up her son's name.  He is and always will be a huge part of her life and regardless of how much time passes after he has left this earth she will want to hear his name and talk about him. 


Love on your children every chance you get regardless their age, because we are not guaranteed tomorrow with them.


From one brokenhearted mom to another. 

Thirty?

It's so hard for me to believe you would have been thirty years old this year.  I know I still have almost a full month for that date, but it's been on my mind since January.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wonder what you would be doing now.  Would you have any babies?  Would you be the police officer you always wanted to be?  Would you live close enough for me to see you any time I wanted to or you needed me?  All those and many more questions run through my mind only when I'm breathing.


It's still very difficult for me to fathom the fact that you are not here.  I swear there are days I feel like I have to force myself to know how to take the first step of the day or face this world.  It seems like every day is a true effort.


Yes, I still feel very guilty when I laugh or am enjoying a moment.  I still find myself wanting to tell you something going on and to let you know how BoBo is doing or Peanut, Scooter, and Jorden are doing.  I want so badly to tell you any time one of your buddies gets married or has a baby so you can be excited right along with me.  Just getting a call to let me know how your day has been going feels so sad and that hasn't changed.


I'm doing better if the door bell rings, but I still hate it.  I pause every time I open the kitchen cabinet with your baseball helmet cereal bowl is sitting there or when I walk into your room and just see little things that I know you love so much.  That's also my quiet place at home when I feel I need to just sit in the quiet.  I know it sounds odd, but that is what it is for me right now.


I still struggle knowing it has been almost 7 1/2 years since you left this earth.  There are days it feels like yesterday and then there are days that it feels like forever since I've seen or talked to you.  It breaks my heart both way and every time I think about it.  I will never get over that feeling of utter sadness missing you.


I love you son more than words could ever express and I always will.  I will also always miss you and long for you to be with me again.  I feel this way especially the days I am not sure I can put one foot in front of the other. 


Love.,


Your momma bear



The Happy Chad

It's not uncommon for random things to come up and take my breath away for a moment.  It could be a song or something someone says or even something I say that he used to say for me to be taken back from time to time.  Sometimes my response is laughter and others it could be a torrential down pouring of tears.


Well, our Sushi place is apparently no exception to this experience.  We were there a couple of Fridays ago and we were at our normal spot and enjoying dinner with our Sushi chef, Mandy.  She created a new roll called "The Happy Chad"!  What are the odds?  As soon as we heard the name I immediately broke down and cried.  I have no idea why, it was absolutely something that came over me and I could not shake it.  I cried all the way home and then cried myself to sleep that night. 
Tebo mentioned that he felt I may have a degree of depression.  I don't feel depressed.  I feel sadness, but I do not feel depressed.  Maybe I don't know depression or I expect it to feel a different way.  Either way it hit me like a tidal wave.


Maybe one day in the future those situations won't take me to that point, but for now that seems to be the norm.


I can see a young man in a military uniform and I am compelled to speak to him and have to fight the urge to hug him every time.  It's just something that takes me right back.


I was referring to Chad and Nanaw this morning on the phone with daddy and we were laughing because we were all the in car together and Nanaw climbed into the truck with us and Chad commented on how easy she got in and she immediately came back with, "well it's because I'm so agile".  Chad loved that response and it stuck with him for many years after that.  He would use that many times after that when he was talking to her.  It's those little memories that pop up out of no where that will sometimes just take my breath away and other times I just laugh and enjoy the memory.


Our hearts and minds are so complex.  I wish I could just stick with one emotion at times, but is apparent that I am incapable of doing that. 


I sure miss that young man of mine and some days it's more than I can take, but turns out I don't have a choice and I will continue to remember all the little things along with the big ones and laugh when I can and cry when I can't control it. 

Organized Life

I had a friend ask me how I stay organized and things always seem clean and put together at our house.  I just explained that I cannot function in chaos and clutter and I can only relax when things are clean and are in order.  She then asked how she could get her life more organized where she could find time to clean her own house.  First she mentioned it would be impossible because she has kids.  I explained that it could be done, it will just take structure and getting used to keeping a routine for things.
So I thought it might be helpful for others to know how I do things and maybe they could take part or all of what I do and apply it to their lives if they are in search of how to get more organized and have less clutter.
It's true, I don't have kids living at home (well, just a 27 year old for now, but that will change soon) so I'm not spending my time cleaning up after children, but I still have my fair share of cleaning and organizing to do on a regular basis.  I did have my son as a single mom for 18 years and managed to always have a clean house and stay organized so it can be done.
First, if you are just starting on this journey of becoming more organized I would suggest making a list.  You might initially need some help to get things in your home organized and cleaned, but once you have the initial cleaning, purging, and organizing done the maintaining part will be a breeze (if you keep it up).
Start with a huge clean up through out your home.  Every room should be cleaned and everything needs to have a home.  If you cannot find a home for something evaluate whether you really need it and if you do, you may find something you have put away that you don't need and you could replace this item in that place and get rid of the one you don't really need.  I'm guilty of holding on to things far too long at times thinking I may need it one day.  I've since changed my thinking and if I haven't used or worn it in a year, it's time to purge it. 
Once the house is clean start in closets.  Something I have found that has made me feel like things are more organized is using all the same hangers in the closet.  I love it!  I would begin with purging clothes you haven't worn in a while and thin out your inventory.  Once you have done that organize your clothes that works for you.  What works best for me is color organizing.  I start with white and go to black.  I keep my pants the same order and dresses as well.  Then organize your shoes.  I have a new process for this now.  I used to keep all my shoes in the original shoe box, but my husband came home one day with clear plastic shoe boxes and while I was apprehensive at first, it has turned out to be the best thing!  I think organize my shoes by style and color.  It just looks so much better to me.
Once you have done your closet, make a list to do all closets in the house.  You will be amazed at how just that makes you feel more organized and will likely help you purge things you really do not need.  The next thing on your list should be cabinets and I would start in the kitchen area.  That seems to be where things get out of control the fastest in our house anyway. 
The key to this process is making a list and making your way through that list regardless what order you choose to go in.
Once these tasks have been completed you are more than halfway through.  The biggest key to keeping this organization and cleanliness is to maintain it everyday.  You may be thinking, there is no way I can do this everyday.  That's the beauty of this, you don't have to do everything mentioned above everyday.  If you maintain the day to day stuff the rest will remain until you get the itch to purge again.
Set a schedule for things like laundry, yard work/flower beds, etc.  Here is what a typical day for me looks like (again, no younger kids at home so things may look differently for those that do have kids at home).  Each morning as soon as I get up I make the bed.  Get ready for work and before leaving the house I gather any glass that was left from the night before and put them in the dishwasher.  I pick up any clothes that may have been left out from the night before and put them where they need to go and I ensure that all my bathroom items used to get ready are put away so all counter tops are clear of clutter and things are put away.  I go to work and once I return home at the end of the day and if we cook at home as soon as we finish eating I clean up the kitchen and make sure no dishes or pots are left out.  Each Sunday I do laundry.  Once they are completed in the washer I immediately put them in the dryer.  As soon as they dryer quits I immediately fold and put all clothes away.  If this is done as they are complete you will find that you don't get as behind and things are still clean and organized.  Saturdays are typically reserved for yard work/flower beds, errands, etc.  Depending on weather these days may swap or if I am out of town for any reason I will make adjustments, but for the most part I continue this process each day. 
Again, the key is maintaining day to day so that you do not get behind and make a list.  Once everything on your list is checked off you will love that feeling of accomplishment and then you can relax and enjoy it.
If you do have kids at home that are old enough to help, give them a list and teach them how to check their list off and they will hopefully grow up to be organized adults.  They will learn from you and take your lead so you have a chance to really enforce those habits early on.  You will not regret it.
Happy Organizing! 

Those days

You know those days when it feels like you are the only one in this world hurting?  Well, here goes my pity party.  For many months now I have felt exactly that way.  I know it is selfish and I will own that right now.  I hope I haven't let others know or see that side, but honestly I'm not sure it's possible to feel that way and others not see it in some form or fashion.
I have felt like some people I love with all my heart (not my husband) have put distance between us and that has bothered me to the point that I find myself consumed with that feeling and hurt.  That's on me.  I am one of the worse about keeping certain feelings buried inside and I do struggle (except here) letting my feelings known.  I need to do better at that, but I was like this as long as I have memory, however, I do believe it's been worse since I lost Chad. 
I am definitely a different person since losing him.  I don't think I would say I am a bad person, just different.  I do find that I pull away quicker from people/situations when I feel hurt, angry, or any emotion really.  I don't want to be that way, but it is just how I cope apparently.
I've had several very emotional days lately.  I guess it started before last Friday, but seems it's been worse since then. 
You might wonder why last Friday.  Well, last Friday Tebo and I attend the 7th annual AR Run for the Fallen at Chad's mile marker in Altus, AR.  It is the most amazing tribute to the 144 of Arkansas' fallen heroes.  Mine just happens to be one of the 144.  It breaks my heart even typing that, but that's the truth.
Anyway, I held myself together while we were there and I usually have a little weepy moment while we make the 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive back to N.W. AR, but for the most part I can hold it together.  Well, this weekend was, for whatever reason, an exception to that statement.  I can't justify the crazy it feels when it hit, because it was so trivial that I probably shouldn't even share, but there may be another parent out there that has had the same thing happen and if not, you just get a free laugh at my expense and I'm ok with that.  So here goes.  Saturday I had a list of things I wanted to get done around the house while Tebo and Tia were working in the backyard.  My list was simple, normal cleaning downstairs, catch up on filing and organizing the office, do the floors downstairs and strip the sheets off Chad's bed in the event someone unexpected needed a place to sleep the sheets would be clean.  Ok, so far so good, right.  Well, yes, so far.  Chad's room has really been one of the last rooms we have completely put together since moving into this house.  It had eventually gotten somewhat put together, but not completely.  No, it didn't really matter and it was no big deal, just hadn't been completed.  Well, a dear friend of mine had her mother (and she helped) make me a quilt out of Chad's old baseball uniform t-shirts with TN orange and white on the back.  I had just laid it over his bed (although it really doesn't fit for that).  I had not gotten bedding for his bed yet as we had been using the Murphy Bed, but decided after this move we would not use it as it didn't weather the move very well this time.  We had gotten a platform bed frame and I just did that for the time being.  So I go through the day and get all my list done and had decided while Chad's sheets dried I would go out and help Tebo and Tia.  Once we were done in the yard another friend of ours came by, Tebo had grilled and we were eating dinner.  I went in to get the dried sheets out and started making his bed and as I was laying the quilt on the bed I just fell apart.  I have no idea why, but I could not control it.  The friend of ours came in and yelled from downstairs, bye mom (inside joke) see ya later.  I respond back that I would see him later and I could not control or stop the tears.  I went downstairs to get a glass of wine and was planning to just take a minute when I meet Tebo and the tears flowed even more.   I said I just need a minute, got my glass of wine and went back to Chad's room and just sat in the chair in the quiet.  Once I could finally compose myself I went outside and Tebo asked if I was ok and I said, yes, I just have to get new bedding for his room and get that room pulled together.  Of course without hesitation he said ok.  We did just that the very next day.  We still have a few things to finish it up, but it feels much more put together.  I don't know why that bothered me so badly, but apparently his room needs to be done.  I know he will never see or be in that room, it just didn't seem to matter at that moment. 
there have been a ton of things over the last year that have just been building and compiling in my life as it is in most people's lives.  I'm sure most people handle all these things far better than myself and I can own that.  I just do not know how to stop this vicious cycle. 
the hurt and sadness I feel isn't something that I can fix or will go away where it pertains to Chad, but the others that have put me in this place could make it better in that respect, but what do you do when the other person is so prideful and has a difficult time apologizing?  Nothing!  You just wait for them to finally be in a place to move forward and sadly the "I'm sorry" may never come so you might as well prepare yourself for that.  I have.  What I have a hard time with is the distance and the silence. 
I know you can't fix other people.  I also know I can't control others, I can only control myself and how I react/respond.  However, if the other person never gives me a chance to react or respond I guess that's another way, but that way sucks to be quite frank. 
I will likely do like I always do.  I will eventually feel I can confront this person and give him/her a chance to explain and while I have no expectations of receiving an apology, maybe things can go back to normal.  If not, it won't be the first time (and apparently not the last) that I have had to learn a new normal. 

What's the word?

If you have never lost a child you won't actually be able to help me with this question.  You would have to experience this kind of loss and pain to even grasp what this feels like.  There are events that pop up every year and often in the year that just brings everything flooding back.  It doesn't have to be big events and it doesn't even have to be events.  It could be a song, a commercial, someone else's pain, really anything can trigger it.


This week has been one of those weeks that I find it hard to breathe and even harder to just have to be around people and fake happiness in general.  I don't know why exactly, but I know it is hard to find the word that would describe the type and depth of sadness in my heart.  Friday this week Tebo and I will drive to a mile marker in Altus, AR to the Altus Court House to be there when runners run a mile in honor of Chad.  He is number 7 out of 144 Fallen Heroes that will be honored that day.  All of these Heroes are from Arkansas.  It is so sad and surreal when you look at the numbers like that.  144 young men/women who gave their lives fighting for our country just in the state of Arkansas.  Just breaks my heart.  Just in the state of Arkansas there are 144 moms and dads that feel this type of pain and sadness.  If I had to guess I would imagine that they too cannot find the word to describe this sadness.


I have thought about Tebo's mom a lot this week as she has been sick.  We were very worried that she might not make it.  While she was kind of out of it if you will she was talking to family members that had passed on before her.  One of the saddest ones was her oldest son.  She saw him twice and thought he was coming to get her in 4 days.  I literally could not hold back the tears.  As a mom, I completely get it.  Even when she didn't know what she was saying or probably even where she was she was longing for her son.   She lived 87 years (at the time) and had to lay to rest her first born.  She has, now at 88 years old, out lived one of her children.  How terribly sad is it that she would out live a child.  That's not how this is supposed to work.  We are supposed to bury out parents and grandparents, but not our children. 


It would be hard for someone that has not lost a child to truly grasp this next statement and before I even type it I would like to make it perfectly clear.  I am not suicidal and I never have been and don't expect I ever will be.  However, there are days that I pray that the Lord would just make it so my heart would just stop beating so I can see my son again.  I won't lie, I have said this prayer many times and I imagine as long as I am on this earth I will continue to pray that prayer.  It's not that I want to leave my husband and family and friends, it is only because I long for my son in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it.  The only thing that would make this feeling go away is for him to be in front of me so I can hug him and kiss his forehead again and tell him how much I love him and just watch him sleep in that crazy position one more time.  


There is a song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away".  That has never had so much meaning in my entire life than it has since 12-1-10.  I would go every day if I could so just love on him and see how he was.  He wasn't a huge talker so I know there wouldn't be a lot of words exchanged (we never needed that), but there would be hugs and just time spent together that I cherish so much.


It doesn't matter how a child dies or when, it is the same kind of pain and I would bet that all parents have a difficult time expressing how that feels.  It just is and there is nothing that will take that pain away.


Oh, and NO, it does not get better or easier to not have your child.  It never will.  We might find better ways of coping, yes, but go away or become easier, absolutely NOT!


If you have been blessed enough to have never had to bury your child I would encourage you to take a moment and not only be thankful, but let that child regardless of age that you love them and when you can, give them a hug that lets them know you never want to let them go.  You are not guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), so make the most of that time you have while you have it. 


Chad, this is specifically for you (even though I realize you cannot read this).  You were always the best thing I have did and I love you more than anything or anyone in this world and I always will.   You were a blessing I was never supposed to have and you truly made my world a beautiful place until the day you left.  I truly never believed I could love the way I loved you, but I did and I still do.  Nothing will ever change that and I long for the day I can wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead.  Love you more than you could ever know, Momma Bear. 

Just at BoBo & Nana's house (picture courtesy of Stacy Croft)

You know, just at home showing mommy how to cook.

His mean football face.

At his last Croft reunion in one of his favorite shirts



 

Senior picture (picture by Stacy Gough @ Phorever Studios)



Home on leave in another favorite shirts

 

Right before leaving for Boot Camp in Kansas City, MO (2007)

 

From his wedding (9-18-2009)

 



Another Move

Dear Chad,

Well, we have moved again. 😔  I've struggled for some reason with this move.  I can't explain why, I just have.  However, it's starting to finally feel like home.  Tebo has done a great job of just allowing me to take the time I needed in order to feel at home here and that's helped tremendously.

You would love it.  It's almost a full acre with great trees in both the front and back yards.  There is this special perk you would have here....  DEER! (no you would not be able to shoot them).  😂

They even come right in the yard, but typically you will see them walking down the streets and in neighbors' yards.  Around Christmas one actually ran through a neighbor's yard taking out most of the decorations.  LOL. I have to say, that didn't break my heart (it was seriously the Griswold yard).

So I will describe the house best I can, but the pictures should help.  It is a 2 story home with the master bedroom downstairs and all other rooms upstairs.  I was a bit disappointed in not having another bedroom downstairs, but should we ever need it the office downstairs has a closet (although not a great one).  We liked having the extra room downstairs for parents, but this one just didn't have that option.  It is a very nice open concept in the main living space and kitchen is very nice and feels homey.  It has double front doors and I really like that.  The office is nice as well especially with the closet because we can keep all the Wings for Our Troops stuff in there and I'm not having to take other closet space for that.  I do really like that.  It also has french doors going out to the front porch which is nice.  The kitchen is really nice.  It not only has a huge island, but it has the no divide sink in it that I've been wanting badly and it hasn't disappointed.  I think even Tebo is starting to appreciate it like I do (that's just an added bonus).  Ha!

Upstairs we have a second Master bedroom (not sure why, but it does), your bedroom (which I finally got put together last weekend), another bedroom with a Jack & Jill bathroom between that room and yours.  Tia is staying in the other bedroom adjacent to yours.  Then we have a bonus room.  That room is much smaller than our last bonus room so when Tia moves out we will likely move the bonus room into Tia's room.  

The laundry room is ridiculously big.  I love it, but good grief it's large.  We have an oversized three car garage which is very nice.  At first the biggest disappointment for me was the lack of a big patio like the one we left, but it did have a deck.  The deck is huge for sure and we had it covered with a pergola over one section of it and we had the outdoor kitchen put in (although much smaller than the last one) and it actually works really well out there.  We can't stain it all until the Spring, but it is very nice.  They closed in under the deck to give us storage and not have just open space under it.  Then we had them remove the wooden spindles in the railing on the deck and replaced with cables.  It added a touch of modern to it which is very much how the inside of the house is and it allows me to sit on the deck and see the backyard.  Before the wooden spindles actually blocked my view when I was sitting (stop your laughing LOL).

We have a lot of yard work to do if Spring ever gets here, but Tebo has a ton of yard to mow now which will be very different.  I don't think he minds as he absolutely loves this lot and now, so do I.

There are only about 50 houses in the entire neighborhood and it's nicely tucked away off 112.  What's funny is it is literally on the same cul-de-sac as Kristin Allen's house that you used to mow.  How crazy is that.  The outside looks like a Craftsman style with a front porch that wraps around one side to the office.  That I really do like.  

So the funniest thing so far has been when we invited Leon "decorator" from Howse to come out and help us know how to arrange furniture and some decorating.  As much as I hate to admit it, he did have some great ideas.  Of course it cost us some money as he had us replace several pieces of furniture and add some lamps and mirrors, but as hard as it was to turn loose of that money, it has made a huge difference.  I actually think my favorite pieces now are the mirrors and the new dinning table (I can't let Tebo know that as I hated losing our other one).  Ha!  So mums the word.  

I wish you were here to see it for yourself and your room is always ready for you.  😍

The only friends of yours that have seen the house so far are Tyler & Desi and Clint & Emily.  They always make an effort to see us any time they get the chance and we love that.  Hopefully once the weather gets nicer we will start cooking outside and enjoying it more and hopefully your buddies will come enjoy it with us.  I haven't had a lot of family here yet.  BoBo, Stacy, Leckey, uncle Phil, & Dawn have seen it, but that's been it.  Life has just been crazy and the parents have been sick so that's made it even harder.  I'm hoping that will change soon.

Well, that's all right now.  I just wanted to share with you about this big move and I haven't written you in a bit.  I love you son.

Love, 

Momma Bear 😘

To see the pictures just click here....  https://www.facebook.com/tami.boyett.1/media_set?set=a.1577662762323902.1073741841.100002405793511&type=3

Aching Heart

I have so much sadness in my heart and weighing on my mind lately.  Adding that new sadness on top of the constant sadness of not having my only son on this earth feels like it has magnified the current sadness and heaviness in my heart and mind.

Our family has been through a lot this past few years with aging parents and illness and the loss of our mother to complications of Alzheimer's, but even more than that there feels like tension, strife, and distance between our siblings.  That breaks my heart.  To make it even a bit worse is I'm not really sure what got us to this point and defiiately know I have no idea how to fix it or make it better so we can get past this.

I truly try and feel in my heart that I want to do the best things for everyone in met family and especially with my siblings and I'm unable to do that now.  Being the oldest of us kids I have always felt it was my responsibility to make sure everything stays cool between us all and I try to be the one to keep the peace and right now I find myself not only not in peace, but it seems like I can say nothing or do anything right.  I don't say that to feel sorry for myself, because I don't feel sorry for myself.  I just simply feel sad.

Sisters are supposed to be your first and longest best friend and I feel for the most part of my life I have been fortunately enough to have that relationship with them.  Yes, some of us were closer than others, but I have always known (and would still do it today) that regardless what may be going on at the time I would drop everything to be there for them should any of them need something.

It's harder and unfortunate that distance makes it more difficult to do that on a regular basis and oh yeah, there is that little thing called a full time job that gets in the way, but there is nothing I wouldn't do for any of them if they ask.

What I miss more is having just silly conversations or serious ones about kids and daily stuff or if one is frustration is taking place in their life that they would call and vent to me and we could just cuss and discuss it and hopefully they as well as myself would feel better before we hung up the phone.  I'm not having that right now and I truly do not know how to make it go back to the way it was.

Sadly I'm worried it will take another tragedy to pull us together again and that is heartbreaking.  It's my hope and prayer that it doesn't come to that and things can go back to the way they were, but right now today, I don't feel very hopeful.

There are many days in my life since Chad left this earth that I just feel I need to just lean on them and cry and vent how I feel and right now I don't feel like I can do that so instead I do my floors and clean house and just stay to myself as much as I can so that I don't do or say anything that would make our relationship(s) worse.

I am certain that eventually this will all change and we will find our ways back together and be close again, but the wait is taking a true toll on me right now.  Maybe it's the extra stress at work and sadness from losing mom and knowing daddy isn't improving and worried about what my end up happening with him, but honestly, as much as I know are expected to bury our parents, it doesn't make it easy, but it makes me much harder when you feel there is distance between sisters who should really be best friends and just there for each other even if there are disagreements.

I know this too shall pass, but WOW it's not easy trying to manage through it until that happens.

If you are reading this I would appreciate prayers.  That's the last resort I have at this point.

I certainly miss this closeness more than words will ever be able to express and maybe I will get the chance to say that and maybe things will go back to the way it was, but apparently it's not there for all of us yet.

Mom & Me <3

How it should be

Sure miss this young man...

Love him so much!  Missing him will never go away

Left to right, Me, Paige, Dawn, & Stacy

Love

Stair steps (I've always been the short one)  :)

Miss the laughter

Love it

Such a true description.  LOL "Miss Behavin"

Sister for Life