It's been quite some time since I've written (here). The main reason is because I typically write when I'm feeling something. Lately, I'm not sure what I'm feeling or if I'm feeling at all.
There is no description I can find to describe what is going on with me lately. I'm just blah... I wouldn't say I'm necessarily more sad than normal since Chad left this earth. I wouldn't say I'm angry. I wouldn't say I'm frustrated either. I'm definitely not as happy as I was when he was here (not sure that will ever be the case again, and that's ok).
There are days that I pray I wouldn't have to get out of bed let alone face the world. Reporting to work everyday and facing people at work and faking being "okay" takes a toll on my body and mind. There aren't right words to truly describe that so I will just have to hope that these little attempt at words does the trick.
Christmas is especially difficult for me. It's not because I was always that mom that went all out decorating and making the house "smell" like Christmas, but it was something I always did for Chad. He could have cared less about being a part of setting up or decorating the tree, but we did have these silly little traditions that we did and I truly cannot bring myself to attempt even putting up a tree let alone anything else now.
The last Christmas we "celebrated" was Christmas 2009. It is a Christmas I will treasure for the rest of my days. It just turned out that we had all the kids with us that year. It wasn't because we knew that would be the last Christmas we would spend with Chad, because let's face it, no one expected that. However, Chad was deploying during 2010 and we knew he would be deployed that year and he was married, Candi & Nathan were married and kids were getting older so I had hoped we could all be together because all the kids started getting pulled in a hundred different directions. By chance I asked the kids to see if that was something we could pull off. At first Chad was told he wouldn't get a Christmas leave so with the chance he wouldn't come home, I asked to go see him that December for my birthday. Of course Tebo being, well, Tebo, he made that happen so off to CA I went over my birthday. Turned out that last minute the Marine Corps did grant him Christmas leave so he came home and then we were blessed that the kids' moms were absolutely great about letting the kids be with us for Christmas so with Tia driving through snow and Chad and Katie flying in we had all 6 kids with us for Christmas 2009. I cannot describe how that Christmas was and actually do it justice. One of my best friends came over and took family pictures for us in the living room and those turned out to mean more to us than we ever thought they would.
We did have some crazy stuff happen outside worried to death with Tia driving in winter weather and not sure she would even make it for Christmas to the oven going out just as we were trying to cook, but the laughter and love that was felt in that house that Christmas is something I will never forget and I do cherish with all that I am. I loved it then and that was with not knowing what our future held.
Tebo and I had already planned that any time Chad was deployed we would not put up a tree at Christmas. We felt like if he couldn't celebrate Christmas like that then we wouldn't either. He was a trooper about that and went right along with my crazy notion. After Christmas of 2009 we have gotten rid of our trees (except for my "fun" tree that Chad and I had) and decorations. We have not even truly considered putting up a tree. That is, until this year. This year I was so torn for three big reasons. 1, Tia and Trevor will be here (yes they live here, but they aren't going to their mom's until later) and I didn't want them to feel it wasn't like Christmas. 2, we have a granddaughter now and Christmas has always been about the kids for me and I felt guilty even though she is in Amarillo. 3, I feel like I am cheating Tebo out of something. Although he says he is perfectly fine with it, I still wonder at times if he feels a bit cheated.
There will come a day, I am sure, that I will end up putting up a tree and trying to make the house feel like Christmas again. It might be when the grandbaby comes for Christmas, I'm just not sure when that time will be.
In the meantime, Tebo and I will continue to do our "new" tradition of trying to travel and take a Christmas trip each year until the time we (ok, I) decide I can "do" Christmas again in the "traditional" way. Until then I just keep hoping and praying that Tebo, the kids, and our families can understand and not be upset that this is just one of those things I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet. I'm slowly working on it, but I'm just not there yet.
We don't know if we can pull off our Christmas trip this year or every year for that matter, but we will continue to try until which time being home doesn't feel so sad. There will always be a sense of sadness associated with Christmas and the month of December for me, but maybe, just maybe, one day it won't impossible to make the house look and smell like Christmas again.