Monday, September 19, 2016


Family/Families can be a complex creature can't they?  It shouldn't have to be, but if you have a family, then you know it can be and at times I guess they all are.

So, I've had family on my mind a lot more than usual lately for many different reasons, but I've become a bit troubled lately when thinking about my own family.

Like most people know, families will have ups and downs and they will disagree and get along.  That's just part of a family and being human.  However, what really bothers me most is when family members hold grudges or have animosity towards other family members or heaven forbid, intentionally hurt a family member.  That to me is probably the most heartbreaking of all the hurts.

If I were in a room with just my siblings I think I would say something like this:

I love each of you.  I am sure at times I have hurt you in some way, but know it was never an intentional hurt, but for any hurt, I want to apologize.  Also, there are times you have hurt me and I would hope it was not intentional, but regardless, I want you to know, I forgive you.  It is my feeling that we need to learn to have an adult relationship with each other showing respect and consideration for each other and understanding.  We need to do this for our parents who are not getting any younger and I know personally with daddy, it hurts his heart in a huge way to know there is strife between his kids.  Now, to show a little respect and consideration for each other should come naturally, but with life and just being human that isn't always the case.  It's almost like knowing it is a sibling gives the right to treat them however you want, because they are family they have to love you.  That is a very wrong approach in my opinion.  We need to do a better job all the way around to be better to each other so our parents don't have to worry what will happen to us all when they are no longer here.  If you owe one of us an apology (and you know if you do) then I would strongly suggest you do that sooner than later.  If you don't, but you just don't make the effort to reach out (I can be guilty of this as well), then start making an effort.  It doesn't have to be all the time, it just needs to be regular enough that we know the big stuff going on with each other.  I will make a promise to begin doing this myself.  If you have forbid me from reaching out to you, then you make it right and I will begin reaching back. 

Life is short.  Unfortunately, our family has learned this more than once how short it truly can be.  Why would we waste our precious time on earth being at odds with each other (especially family).

Oh, and one more thing.  If you don't know my family, we are a blended family.  In my opinion, we are family regardless how we got to be family.  I don't have step siblings any longer.  I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters and then myself (& one sister passed away).  That's how it is.  That's how I think it should be.  We should all want to have relationships with each other and we should all be good to each other.  Again, it's a respect thing.  Blood is not the only definition of family.  Besides, my siblings and I have been part of each others lives for so long now that the lines get blurred between "bonus" and "blood" to me. 

Like I said earlier, I love all my siblings and it would be my hope that we will build on our adult relationships and learn to truly love each other and have a real relationship with each other with no animosity or jealousy or anger.  We should be proud for each others accomplishments and happiness and if we should disagree about something, and we will, I would hope there would be enough respect to hear each other out and try to understand or at the very least, accept the path the other is on and support each other even if we don't agree.  That's what it is all about to me.  It seems so simple and yet an almost impossible task for some.  That makes me sad, but I'm still hopeful that relationships will be repaired and become closer as we learn to just love and respect each other. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

In Case You Didn't Know

Dear son, 

In case you didn't know during your time on this earth I want you to know you were the best thing I've ever done!  You filled my heart so full of love. I don't just mean I loved you with all my heart, I mean you truly filled my heart with a love I never dreamed possible. 
You loved me unconditionally as I did you. I know you can't truly read this, but it does my heart good to sometimes write to you as though you could. When you were small (I'm talking like 2/3 years old) there was a song that played on the radio called "Groovy Kind of Love". We used to sing that song in the car to the top of our lungs singing to each other like we were the only people in the world. Then you would sing Allen Jackson's song "Wanted" with so much conviction like you were old enough to know what the song was all about. I love that about you. 
In case you didn't know, I was one proud Momma Bear!  I was proud of you from day one (yes, even when you didn't sleep at nights). 
You were such a blessing and I pray I showed you how much I love you and proud I have always been of you while you were on this earth. If I didn't I am so very sorry, son. I would have walked in your shoes in Afghanistan on Decenber 1, 2010 in a heartbeat. There is a part of me that feels like I did just that, but if I could have spared your life and let you live your future I would have done that without hesitation. That's a small glimpse of how much I love you. 
Since I can't tell you verbally now and you can't show me how amazing you were going to be past the age of 22 I will tell you now as I imagine it would be. 
I'm so proud of the husband you are and how dedicated and loyal you are. I'm so proud of the police officer you have become and that you continue to sacrifice for others. I'm so proud of the father you are. Of course I'm teasing you saying had I know grandchildren were this wonderful I would have had them first. We would laugh about that and I will continue to tease you that way because I'm the mom and I can do that. I am so proud of the home you have created for your family and I'm so proud that you still make time not only for us but for your grandparents. 
See son, even now I am bursting with pride for the person you are and especially that I get the honor of calling you my son. 
I pray you always knew how much you were loved and how painfully missed you are now. 
Love, momma bear. 

If someone is reading this and you have children, make sure they know how you feel about them and tell them often that you love them.  It's ok to drive them crazy telling them how much you love them and how proud you are, it's your job as a parent to drive them crazy anyway so why not do it with those words. You are never guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), but while we never plan or expect to bury our children, sadly it happens. I never dreamed I would out live mine. Love them with no regrets. I truly feel like I did that I just pray I did a good enough job of showing and telling him while he was still with us on this earth. 

Friday, September 2, 2016

If you think...

If you think I want to continue in this life on earth without my son you would be thinking wrong, but I don't have a choice. The Lord has not decided that now is my time so I will continue on best I can until he is ready for me. However, I don't have to continue to allow negative and hurtful people to be in my life and if they must be in my life I don't have to continue to allow them to make me feel worse. 

To those that would like to continue to step on me after all I've endured and truthfully the memory of my son who died so you can have the freedom to treat people like shit (excuse the language), go ahead and continue your ugly and hateful ways but you will no longer impact how I feel. You will be kept at arm's length and if you don't like that, then make things right.   You know who you are and what you need to do. If you can't do that. Well, then that is on you. 

I've been a people pleaser my whole life and to a point I still am. Where that point changes is when you have used up your chances with me.  Oh, and it takes an awful lot to use up those chances with me but when you have it is hard to come back from that. 

I'm the type of person that gives more than enough chances for you to know you are screwing up with me and if you still refuse to get it or try, well, there again it's on you. 

I love big and I love loyal but you can only shit on me so much and for so long and then you better find another person or a litter box. 

I don't like strife and tension with people but I've come to a point in my life that if all you want to do is lie and hurt people you supposedly love then there will be strife and tension.  

The picture below is just to gently remind those that choose to treat me or anyone else in a bad way that you certainly have the freedom to do so because my son & others like him had the courage to fight for that said freedom. I recommend you use that freedom wisely!  

He died so you could be free to live.