TEARS

I’ve heard many times in my life that crying cleanses the soul and sometimes it’s just good to cry.  I believe there might be some truth in that, but sometimes tears mean so much more than just “crying”.

For me personally, some of my tears are heart wrenching feelings that cannot be contained another moment.  They have to fall or I feel I will explode.

Granted, I prefer to have those tearful moments in private.  That doesn’t mean it always only happens in private, but that’s what I prefer. 

I attended a funeral this week and while he was 81 years old and ready for heaven it is still hard to see those close to him breakdown.  Beyond that, it’s amazing to me how the words of a song can bring those same heart wrenching tears to flow.  That’s what happened to me this week. 

Now, if you know me at all, you know I have a soft heart and I can literally cry at commercials and do, often.  However, unless you truly and deeply know me you may not know that many times than not my tears are more of the heart wrenching kind. 

So many everyday things take me right back to losing my son.  I am only 15 days away from the 8^th anniversary of the day my son left this earth.  I won’t lie, it feels like yesterday!  It always feels as raw as that day on 12-1-10.  I don’t believe that will ever change, for me anyway.  That’s fine.  As I’ve said more than once, I never want it to get easy to miss my son.  He was my heart and soul and I miss him with every breath I take and I will until have taken that last breath.

It’s an odd feeling I get every time I hear of the passing of someone/anyone and writing it and someone else reading it may sound very strange and if you have never lost a child you may not be able to understand, but I actually find myself feeling jealous that they will get to see my baby boy before I do.  You don’t have to say it, I know it sounds crazy, but that is exactly how I feel… 

I know one day I will be reunited with him, but honestly, one day isn’t good enough for me.  I want to see his face now. 

If only heaven wasn’t so far away…

Grief

When does grief every complete it’s coarse, or does it?  I’m less than 4 weeks before it will be 8 years and I honestly do not feel like I’ve come very far.  I still feel so empty in my heart and soul.  While I know he was on loan from God and I was blessed to have 22 years with him, but I wasn’t ready for my time with him to end and I’m still not.  I don’t question why, I just miss him. 

I’m so fortunate to have the husband I do and the family and friends surrounding me, but you know, sometimes I just need my little man.  I can’t explain the kind of pain I feel in my heart on a regular basis.  It literally feels like what I would imagine a heart attack to feel like.  It is true pain at times.  I wouldn’t fight if God allowed me to have a heart attack if it would get me to heaven sooner to see him. 

Each year I think, okay, this is the year I will be able to just be home at Christmas and spend it with family and then I hit October and I’m like, nope, it can’t be this year.  I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if I will ever be there.  I struggle with whether I need to just suck it up and move forward, but honestly, it’s like my heart aches so badly that I can’t bear the thought of “celebrating” or even being home during that time.

December and May are obviously my hardest months, but there are very few days in my life now that my heart doesn’t ache like this.  Every moment I am breathing I am missing such a huge part of my heart and soul, but I’ve managed most times to push all that down deep and function and then there are times when all I want to do is cry and be alone in the quiet. 

I do not believe grief ever ends.  I think it changes, but I believe, for me anyway, that grief will always be a part of my everyday life until the Lord decides he is ready for me. 

What I do want to make sure I’m not doing is letting others see my grief daily and make sure that when they see me grief isn’t the first thing they see.  I don’t know how well I do this or if I do it at all, but I do feel I try daily. 

If only we could go to heaven for visits.