Wednesday, December 13, 2017

A letter to my husband

Babe, when you said "For better or for worse", "In sickness and in health" you probably had no idea that within the first 12 years of our marriage you would have to live up to those vows like you have.
You have not only stood by me through all of that and more, but you have done so with grace, compassion, patience, and mostly with love.
I do not deserve you or the life you have afforded me, but I will try daily to show you my gratitude. 
There aren't many people (thank goodness) that will experience the loss of a child, wife near death more than once with health issues, but you have just in the first 12 years and other trials and successes along with it.
Thank you for being my rock and balancer (literally and figuratively) in life and for loving me unconditionally and showing me that love every day of our marriage.  I just hope that I am as great at showing you how much I love you and appreciate you as you are to me.
Obviously we have no idea what life holds for our future, but whatever it might be I know we will get through it with love and encouragement just as we have thus far.

Thank you, babe.  Know that I love you and appreciate you for everything, but most for making me feel loved and taken care of always.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017


Even though you are gone, I still have to get up every morning. 
I still have to put my feet on the floor and pretend everything is ok.
The world still goes on as "normal".
Work still has to be done.
I still have to care for my family and friends even though my heart breaks with every breath.
People still hurt feelings, laugh, and get mad even though all I can do is think about you and you not being here.
I still have to fake that smile and good attitude at work even though I want to crawl in a hole most days and hide away from everyone.
Parents still age and get sick and need to be cared for.
No matter how broken my heart is, I still have to live life to the best of my ability.  I don't have to like it, but I still have to do it.  :(

Monday, July 10, 2017

Tired Heart

I'm no different than most people I imagine. Sadly I'm not the only mom that has lost her child and certainly not the only person dealing with aging/sick parents or family drama but honestly lately my heart is tired. It's more tired than normal daily stuff. I can't explain it very well with words. I just know it feels tired on top of sad.

There are many days I wish I could take the part of my heart that is remaining and just make it cold and hard, however, I can't seem to do that. There are those who have the ability to do that I just don't happen to be that person but I have to admit there are some days when it feels possible.

I don't know what if anything that can truly change a heart from feeling so tired but if there is something I sure would like to know what that is.
Adding things trivial like disagreements, misunderstandings don't help, but what really makes me crazy is when these things happen and someone is so quick to de-friend or block you on social media.  Really?  I just do not get that.  Turns out it has sadly happened to me on more than one occasion and I decided the time before last if it happens I will not be allowing that person/persons to be granted back.  I don't guess I understand the reasons behind doing that.  What are you solving with that type of behavior?  If it's punishment you are trying to impose on me, it isn't working.  I don't live and die by social media by any means, but if I want to get on there and I see that someone has done that, it just frustrates me as I believe once we are adults we should be able to handle our differences a bit more mature than that, but I guess whatever floats a person's boat.  I just don't have to fall into that trap again and I won't.

Since I obviously don't have answers for any of this I will just keep doing what I've been doing and wait.  All I can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to pray for peace and comfort as well as rest and knowledge or understanding to get me through each day.

A broken heart I can somewhat explain, but a tired heart, I have no words.
Maybe one day I will understand how to deal with this tired heart and maybe even handle it better than I feel I am today, but I can honestly say that today, I am certainly not there yet.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Seventh Easter

It's hard to believe this year will be the seventh Easter without you.  I know Easter was never filled with candy for you, but it was always filled with love and family.  As I sit here and reflect on Easter this year there are so many mixed emotions.  First, I'm tired of having special events or holidays or heck, any day without you.  It does NOT get easier or better regardless what people try to tell you.  It's never easy being without you and frankly I wouldn't want it to be.
What has added to my sadness this year is BoBo being in the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, at least he is just in the hospital and still with us and frankly a few weeks ago that didn't seem like it would be the case.  However, he is still sick and may never be the BoBo we had before he got sick.  That really makes me sad.
Another thing that makes me sad this year is how stress, fear, and sadness can shake up a family.  I know when we are scared or facing the unknown it can cause tension and emotions to be very high.  I would love if at those times in our lives that we could rise above and just bond and become closer, but I guess the human nature is drawn a different direction and sadly, that's how it feels parts of our family has gone. 
I love my family and I love having sisters and brothers to lean on and rejoice with when things are good, but honestly it has felt like we have been struggling to pull together.  I'm not sure why unless it is the fact that the rock of our family has been shaken and almost taken from us if this is all our way to cope or what, but it isn't fun to feel so much distance and strife exist among us.
One thing I am certain of is when the chips are down we will definitely pull together and we support each other and it is my hope and prayer that I see this happen sooner than later.  There is just enough sadness in this world and our family has been through far more than it's share of it's own sadness that I feel we deserve a chance to pull together and be as one united front again.  I have to hold out hope that this will indeed happen.
In the meantime, I will continue to do what I can to be a strong daughter, mother, sister, and Ammy until which time we all come together and until I can see you again.  Trust me, the moment we are reunited cannot come soon enough for me.  There are days that I truly ache for that day to come and I will attempt to be as patient as I possibly can for that day, but it doesn't mean it will be easy.
I hope you know that I try daily to be a better person and the best version of myself and I do a lot of that for you.  I fail many times and at times I fail miserably, but I keep trying each and every day.
I will spend Easter with BoBo in the hospital and we will both be missing you terribly, but also know that you will be having a much better Easter than any of us.  I love you sweet boy and you are missed beyond words. 

Your 1st Easter you both slept through the whole hunt at Grandmother's

BoBo in the hospital after his open heart surgery April 2017

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Feeling Sorry

It's not what you might think.  I'm not sorry for anything.  I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I try not to do this often, but hard as I may try, today is just one of those days when I can't control that feeling.
I dreamed over and over last night that I kept saying, "Chad is coming home!".  The dream had no substance, it was just me saying that over and over to the point that it woke me up.  I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and maybe a touch of anger.  I am really angry inside that I had to lose him, but more sadness comes out than anger (thank goodness).
I see people these days that seem ungrateful or don't take the time to just be with the people they love (or should love) and I think about what I'm missing, my family is missing, and while Chad isn't missing it as he is in the Lord's gloriousness, I have to think if he could he would be missing us.  I'm grateful he can't feel that sadness.
I warned at the start of this blog that I was feeling sorry for myself and that's definitely what I'm doing, I will own it, but I also promise not to allow it to go on.
I think about how Chad grew up.  Trust me, he was not without the things he needed and even a lot of the things he wanted, but he didn't have the privilege of having named brand clothing, the latest in video games, cell phones, etc.  He had to buy every vehicle he had and pay his own insurance as well as pay for his cell phone bill.  Sadly, I just didn't have it to do more or I would have certainly tried.  However, I see this new generation of kids coming up and they have so much technology and some are barely talking well.  I know times have changed, I'm not that na├»ve, but it is really sad to see that relationships are changing due to technology.  Conversations aren't happening in the same way, and it feels like people are disconnected from people and only connected to their electronics.
To add insult to injury while feeling like this and feeling so much frustration, I see these "celebrities" that feel the need to bash our new president before giving him a chance to fail.  They are claiming all these things that "may" happen and yet they are creating division and tension in this country for those that are willing to listen.  Instead of marching or protesting or destroying things and even as far as making threats, how about think about the young men and women still out there fighting for you to have these rights.  How about the families that have lost loved ones in this war that is still going on by the way.   How about these young men and women that come back from war and try to integrate into civilian life and all they see is violence and discord as well as division.  Most of these young men and women are still in their early 20's.  What are we teaching them?  What are we teaching our children about respecting authority and people of position?
It's frustrating all the way around.  I should not have to live out my days without my son.  I do not like seeing all these "entitled" kids float through this world like the world owes them.  I definitely do not like celebrities using their status for their own agenda (stay out of politics) and the division and violence in this world is probably some of the saddest I've seen.  What in the world are we doing in this country?  How are we any different than third world countries with limited law and policies? 
Such a sad state we are in at this time.  I only pray it turns around and regardless who our president is, we should respect his position.  Guess what, there have been a lot of presidents I didn't like, however, I didn't take that and create chaos and build anger in this country.  I gave him (& would give her) a chance to fail before condemning him or her.  Sad, just sad.

When the tables are turned

If we live long enough and our parents live long enough, there will come a day when we have to take on the role as the "parent" if you will.  I can tell you now, that is not an easy role to take on.  Even if your parents had to do that with their parents and knew how hard it was there is a great chance they will not remember that when the tables are turned and they find themselves on that side.
To make matters even harder, you try to maintain that respect relationship of they are your parents, but then they get ugly and sometimes just down right nasty about things and you are fearful that those lines will get blurred. 
I am there now!  Not knowing how much to push and feeling hurt all the time.  It's not a good place to be in. 
I encourage anyone reading this to get your affairs in order and make sure all your wishes are in writing and legal so your children do not have to endure this with you.  It's not a good place for either party for sure.
Tebo and I are taking care of just that this week.  I feel relieved to know we are getting this taken care of.  These are never easy conversations to have, but I would much rather have them now than to wait until things take a turn and then scramble to get things in order.
It's my hope that our kids do not have to go through what myself and some of my siblings are going through today.  It's just hard in a whole different kind of way.