Feeling a little more sad today

Yes, I am sad every day, I just do a pretty good job (I think) of hiding that from most people.  However, today I feel a little more sad than normal.  It hasn't helped with the tragedy of the helicopter holding 9 people, including Kobe Bryant and his 13 year old daughter and other teenagers and parents and a coach who had a family.  It's tragic and honestly any time I know that a parent has lost a child regardless how, my heart breaks for them even more.  Then we had a military aircraft that crashed and killed some of our finest American troops.  Again, my heart goes right out to the families of these brave men/women. 
It just reopens my broken heart that I worked desperately every day to keep tucked down deep so others don't see it (best I can), but moments like what has taken place this week has made it very difficult.
Will I continue to carry on, of course.  I don't really have another choice now do I?  It just makes it harder to keep all these emotions tucked way down so no one else has to see it or wonder what to say or do to make it better.  No one can make it better.  That is not a slam towards anyone, especially my husband and family, but there truly is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better.
I hate this feeling, but I hate more the fact that my son is no longer on this earth.  He didn't deserve to die at 22 years old, but he did sign up to serve our country and protect our freedoms knowing this was a true possibility for him, yet he did any way and for that I am proud.  Yes, we supported him 100% from the moment he signed his papers, but that doesn't make my sadness any less.
If I could have taken his place I would have done it without hesitation and if I could give up my life and have him return to live the life he lost, again, I would do it without hesitation.  The only thing I would ask would be to see him and hug his neck and kiss his forehead and tell him how proud I am of everything he has ever done on my way up.
I know this is impossible and will never happen and I will never see him again until I enter the gates of heaven.  I won't lie, I pray daily that the Lord finds a reason to bring me home to be reunited with him and my other loved ones that are already there, but I know he isn't going to just answer that question.  All I can do is keep putting my feet on the floor every morning and taking that stupid breath until the day the Lord says my work on this earth are done. 
I've said before, I do not know how I am still living and my heart continues to beat as broken as it is.  The pain of losing a child is the worse pain a person will ever experience.  These parents this week that have lost their child and some their spouse right along with that child have my deepest sincere condolences as I know that without my spouse helping me these last 9 years I truly do not believe I would be here today.  I can't imagine having had to face this horrific loss without my husband so for these spouses that also lost a child, I can't even imagine how hard this is and will be for them. 
It has definitely been a heartbreaking week around the world and for me and I'm sure other parents that have lost a child, this just brings everything right back to the surface and feels just as raw as day one.
Dear Lord, wrap your arms around these families that have lost their children and spouses and encamp your angels around them and give them a source of peace and hope as they attempt to walk this journey that they truly have no clue how to yet.  Keep them close and protect them from people who might try to make something ugly out of this tragedy.  Allow those around them that love them to have the chance to step up and lend a hand or just a shoulder when they need it most.
I hate what this world has come to with the division and constant violence and reckless regard for one another.  Lord, please reunite this world again and bring peace to our nation as a hold.
Lord, also, hug my son today and tell him his momma bear loves him and that I am so proud of him and I will see him as soon as you are ready for me to see him.  Until then, Lord, help me keep on keeping on the best I can with very little heart I have left and help me to do good towards others even when I want to crawl into a hole.  Thank you Lord.



The lighter side

Alzheimer's and Dementia is no laughing matter and it is a terrible disease to live and die by.  However, we need to find some laughter when you can.  Fortunately for us (I think), daddy is a social butterfly which has turned out to be a great benefit for him at Pace of the Ozark where he goes during the day while I work. 
He has always been a ladies' man and that apparently has not changed.  He has Miss Frances who is the cutest little 84 year old lady you will meet.  She never wears her teeth and will tell him goodbye in Spanish most days.  LOL!  Daddy has no clue what she is saying every time so I tell him, every time.
There is Miss Opal who believes he needs to spread himself around the group more, because he is spending far too much time with Miss Emma (whose name he can never remember).  Miss Emma is definitely smitten with him.  She already been in trouble for holding his hand and he was willing to keep breaking the rule until I said that's not the right thing to do if they have a rule about it.  LOL!
Miss Emma had her son put her number in daddy's phone and put daddy' number in her phone so now on the weekend either she will call or he will call her or both. 
Funny part of that was this past weekend.  He called her Friday as soon as we got home to make sure she still wasn't upset about getting in trouble for hand holding.  Then he called her again on Saturday.  Sunday came around and she called him twice and he refused to answer the call.  I have no idea why, because we have said nothing about him talking to her or anyone else on the phone.  I guess he just wasn't in the mood. 
Here is a "typical" workday for us and our schedule...
I wake up around 5:15-5:30 am and get completely ready for work so that I can be in the kitchen/living room when he comes in.  He can get up between 6:00 to 7:00 ish (or before) and when I know he is close to coming out of his room I start his coffee and breakfast and get his medications ready and set it all up on the kitchen island at his spot he eats at when we aren't at the dining table.  While he is eating I'm cleaning up the kitchen if anything and logging into my work computer to start my day.  Once he has completed his breakfast I have him come sit down so I can do his eye drops.  I make sure his phone is with him and on because one of my sisters typically calls him around 7:30ish.  While he is watching the news I move the car to the big side so he can get in easier and get his bag and my stuff in the car.  He is usually talking to my sister while I get him to the car and turn out all the lights and then I put the seat belt on him and we are off to Pace.  Sometimes he refers to it as work and others he will say Pace.  Now the one sister at times will refer to it as Daddy Daycare and that does not make me happy.  I constantly correct him when he says that, because I don't want it stuck in his head that I am dropping him at a daycare.  Ugh.
Anyway, I walk him in and hand him his eye glasses and I put his sunglasses in is TN bag which they will then put in his locker.  I leave and head to work.  At 3:15 in the afternoon I leave the office and go to Pace to pick him up.  I have his "vitamins" in my lunchbox for him and water and sometimes a snack if we have a stop to make before coming home.  If we are coming straight to the house I give him his snack once we get in the house.  This will hold him over until dinner.  We turn on Ellen and watch until the local news comes on and he naps (although he swears he doesn't) off and on until Tebo gets home.  Once Tebo is home we do dinner and start daddy's shower and lay his clothes out for the next day and attempt to keep him up until at least 8:00 PM.  Some nights that works and other nights it does not, but he is usually ready to start heading to bed around 6:30 every night.  Yikes!
When we can make it until 8:00 I go in at 7:00 and turn on his mattress warmer and that way it is nice and toasty when he crawls into bed. 
We start that all over every morning Monday through Friday.  I have his stop/go light on each night and some mornings he abides by it and others he does not.  You just never know when it will work and when it won't and there is no rhyme or reason for his schedule when he goes to bed or wakes up.  He is all over the chart with that.  It truly is like having a toddler in the house again at times and other times it is like a "Seenager" LOL!
All in all I am thankful he is so social and that Pace is working out so well.  He loves working out each day and today he had me get his other blue shirt ready for tomorrow, because he got so many compliments on the blue shirt today since it pulls his blue eyes out.  He is out of control.  :D 
Got to take advantage any time you get a ray of sunshine when you can.  I choose this today.



OMG Becky!   I’ve always heard that the older people get the less of a filter they have.  Well, my father pretty much takes the case with this and honestly I’m finding it harder and harder to take without saying something to him.  The only problem with me saying something to him is the fact that he has Dementia and Alzheimer’s so I would just have to repeat it every day and likely multiple times every day.
His biggest thing is people and them being over weight.  It’s not like he is super tiny.  He may not be “over weight” but he could stand to move his weight around, but he is rude and relentless with it.  It’s been especially hard lately because he constantly says something about Tebo’s weight and size and sometimes it’s right in front of him.
Today I had heard enough and while folding laundry he made a comment that the shirt I had must be TEBO’s because it would swallow him up.  I said daddy would you please stop talking about his size and weight.  I said he is 6’ tall and solid muscle.  Yes, could he drop some weight, yes, but who couldn’t (my father included). Of course in daddy fashion he tries to say he was joking and didn’t mean anything by it.  Well, STOP FREAKING DOING IT!   Now I know with this horrible disease it will only get worse and not better but I had to vent to get it off my chest before I scream or say something to him I will regret.
Then, if that wasn’t enough we are watching the live for the Grammy countdown and of course artist dress all kind of ways and from every race and sizes.  Well you guessed it, he has said something negative or derogatory about them all.  I was ready to change the subject and he dozed off and as soon as he woke again it’s like he never missed a beat and started right back at it.  UGH!
Dear Lord, grant me the patience to look past this and never disrespect my daddy.

Left Behind

What a horrible thing for a parent to lose a child EVER!  It leaves this hole in your heart and life that can NEVER be filled.  It also NEVER stops.  You grieve the rest of your life on this earth and that is a horrible feeling. 
Here is something unless you've lived it that you won't know.  You never know what will trigger a breakdown.  I've had many breakdowns and some can be explained and some not at all. 
One example of an unexplained breakdown was one normal Friday night Tebo and I went to our normal Sushi place like we did every week.  We sat in our same spot at the Sushi bar with our normal and favorite Sushi Chef.  She said, I've been working on some new rolls.  We said, oh good.  She said I made one of them for you today, it's called "The Happy Chad".  I burst into tears and completely fell apart and that lasted all night and the next day.  Now, why in the world would that have caused me to fall apart.  There was nothing significant about that day or anything (so I thought at the time).  Just a normal night for Sushi after a long week at work.  On the way home Tebo said he thought I was depressed and needed to talk to my doctor.  I actually got offended by that statement.  I don't know why, I just did and I didn't feel depressed.  I don't know what being depressed is supposed to feel like, but I know I didn't feel depressed.  The next day Tebo said that since one of my dearest friends lost her only son at the age of 22 (just like Chad) in a crazy freaky accident that also cannot be explained, that I have not been the same and it's as if it took me right back to Dec. 1, 2010.  I had not even thought about that until he said that.  My dear friend and I have lived a very paralleled life.  We were single moms for most of our boys' lives.  We both worked at the same company since I started there in 2001 and ended up dating many years before marrying our best friend and loves of our lives and had not been married long when our husbands had to figure out how to navigate this kind of sadness.  When you lay it out like that then it seems like there was something pretty significant that had happened, but it wasn't that day or even that week.  This had been 3 months prior to that night. 
That just goes to explain how you just never know what will trigger that kind of reaction.
I go to the cemetery once a week.  I've explained before why I do this, but I will explain again in the event you didn't read that blog.  I figure if he was still on this earth I would make a point to see him at least once a week if possible.  I know I would talk to him daily as I always did so I figure the least I can do is go there once a week and have my quiet time.  Yes, I know he isn't "there", but that's a place I can go and for some reason feel a little closer to him.  I can't explain why, it just is what it is.
Weeks that I am traveling or unable to go I feel guilty.  I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.  It feels like I'm letting him down.  I never want to let him down.
I have a new trigger now that I underestimated the impact this would have on my broken heart.  We received a Fed Ex package from an attorney's office in Washington, DC regarding a class action lawsuit on behalf of CPL Chad S Wade's family.  At first I didn't think much about it.  I discussed with Tebo (no tears) and we determined we needed to send the packet to our attorney and make sure this was even legit.  I did that and it is legit so we decided together to go ahead and tell them we would participate, but that we aren't looking for a monetary outcome, but if participating kept one penny from supporting terrorism it would be worth it.  I was first shocked when within 3 hours I received a phone call from this attorney.  He began with "I'm sorry for the loss of your son, Chad".  I said thank you (not sure why we always say that).  Then he began to discuss the details of what he would need from us and asking me details about Chad and I felt my heart break again.  I didn't cry on the phone with him, but I did once we hung up and I definitely did not sleep for a couple of nights after.  I knew there would be questions, but what I didn't realize is how hard it still is to relive some of that.  It's painful and not the kind of pain you can describe.  It just hurts from the inside out.
When a parent is left behind and especially when it's your only child you are lost.  Who do you care for and worry about?  What defines you now?  You don't feel like a mother any longer.  Yes, I know I am, but I do not feel like a mother anymore.  Not a "real" mother anyway.
You want to join the "real" world again and be a productive member of society, but you aren't the same.  I've never been super social, but I find myself being even less social than before.  I have to fake being "okay" every day at work and put on that happy face and then I'm exhausted by the end of the day and by the weekend I really don't want to get out of bed or out of my PJs and I definitely don't want to leave the house.  I do some weekends and some weekends I don't.  I can tell you that the weekends that I don't leave the house or my PJs are my happy place, as happy as any place can be.
I have no answers for any of this and certainly no explanations.  I just know that I have to exist in this world for as long as the good Lord sees fit for me to be on this earth.  I don't like it and yes I get jealous when someone passes away, because they are seeing my son before I do and I don't like that at all, but there is nothing I can do about that.  It sucks! 
If you are a parent that has lost a child and especially your only child, I am truly so sorry with every fiber in my body.  No parent should ever have to bury a child and being left behind like this compares to no other pain in the world. 

  

Role Reversal

You know how it feels like people never tell you everything you need to know when you have a child?  Well, that holds true when your parent becomes basically your child.  We moved daddy in with us full time September 1, 2019 and it's been both a challenge and a blessing at the same time. 
It's actually a bit odd as I find myself worrying about him when I'm not with him just as I did with Chad. 
I worked from home the first month he was here and then the Lord opened a door for our old neighbor and friend, Dawn P, to have the opportunity to become his caregiver when I had to be in the office while we waited on the painful process of getting him approved for Medicaid (by the way, that process is not for the faint at heart and I would think impossible without an Elder attorney). 
It truly was a blessing for him to have this transition until Medicaid came through and he was eligible for the Pace of the Ozarks program.
I had to stay with him the first 3 days as he was getting assessments and had to answer questions for them and I was there to insure the answers were correct/accurate and to give my take on how he is when he is home with us and what needs he or we may have.  It was long, but productive days and I have to say that so far the entire experience has been very positive.
He loves to socialize and he will be the first to own that, so this experience and option for now is perfect for him. 
While the days are a bit long, he does seem to enjoy the friends he is making and working out and let's not forget, all the attention he is getting from the ladies.  LOL!
The very first day we were there we had already completed some of the assessments and were going through the main social area and this little 84 year old lady, Miss Frances, pointed to him and in a very high pitched sweet voice says "I like your hat".  Daddy was wearing his Recon Marine Corps hat that Stacy had gotten him and that's literally all it took for him to stop what he was doing and go over and proceed to tell her thank you, but he didn't like hers.  She was wearing an Arkansas Razorback ball cap.  LOL!  He told her he would bring her a TN Vol hat when he comes back.  Well, the next day he forgot, but not to be forgotten the next day.  He pulled out 2 TN hats and a red Marine hat for her to choose from.  I put them in his TN bag and off we went.  He let Miss Frances decide which hat she would take and while she kept all 3 for most of the day, she finally decided on one.  She has only forgotten to wear it one day since she received it.
He participated in bible study last week and really enjoyed that.  He gave his testimony of when he jumped from the plane in the Marine Corps and his chute didn't open and at that precise moment his mother and grandmother were praying for him.  He retold that story to me at least 3 times on our 20 minute drive home.   It was really cute and sweet to hear how much he enjoyed that day.
They feed him well (and we all know how much he loves that) and all the staff and "participants" are warm, friendly, and welcoming. 
This has truly been a blessing to finally have all this approved and have him in a place that I know he is truly taken care of when I have to be in the office.
It would be my hope that at some point I can retire and stay home with him, but that's not a financial option yet, but we are working towards that goal.  Honestly it seems to be good for him to have this outlet and to be active and social during the day so maybe this is more of a blessing in a way that I'm unable to retire right now.  Maybe the Lord is allowing him to bless others and be blessed at the same time and I would just get in the way of that. 
All I know is I am blessed to have the opportunity to help care for him right now and I pray I'm doing everything right, well, as right as I can.  I'm sure there are mistakes being made and will be made, but I am truly trying with all my heart to do the best for him.  I pray he knows that one day even when he gets frustrated with things I do or don't do. 
Reversed roles with our parents is tricky, hard, and rewarding at the same time.  Just like being a parent I suppose.




Daddy at home 2019

Catfish treat for not leaving the Dr. office when Dr. was late 2020

Sushi 2020 What? (he really had catfish, but he did try it)

Nap time at home

Hit hat options for Miss Frances at Pace of the Ozarks 2020

Tebo teaching him to fill the bird feeders for his new "job" around the house 2019

At home, nap time again

Waiting to be served....  2019

Checking out his Christmas gift from Paige & Rodney (blanket) 2019

Daddy & Dawn P (do not know how to rotate)

Daddy & Lindsay (Dawn P's oldest) at her pep rally Rogers High School 2019

Daddy being silly 2019

Daddy with a large deer at the Christmas Lights at Crystal Bridges 2019

Me picking up our gangster daddy from Dawn P's house 2019

Daddy nap time at home again 2019

Daddy reading one of his letters 2019

Daddy helping at Wreaths Across America - Fayetteville Dec. 2019