I would have to say over the last few months this has felt heavier than "normal" and also driven by many different things or events that have taken place.
Probably the biggest thing is this past year (2018) my baby boy would have turned 30 years old. That's a big deal (well to me anyway). It's hard enough to imagine him old enough to enlist into the USMC, but to think he would be 30 years old seems unreal. I guess in "reality" it is unreal as he will forever be 22 years old. I try to think of him in present time and wonder what he would be doing, where he would be living, etc. I also think every single day what I would tell him that day. I have a journal I write a lot of my conversations I would have with him, but some days I just can't bring myself to even write my thoughts down and that makes me feel sad. To explain, if I try to write some days what I would tell him if he were here on this earth the sadness takes over and I am unable to complete my thoughts. Those are the days I will either not write at all or just simply say, I love you or I miss you.
Yes, as odd as it may seem to most, I still go to the cemetery at least one day every single week if I am in town. I don't feel the need to justify that any longer, but for anyone who might wonder why, it's simple. If he were on this earth and close enough I would make an effort to see him at least once a week. I would likely still talk to him every day when possible, but I would make an effort regardless how I feel or the weather to try and see him at least once a week. I feel the least I can do is visit his resting place at least once a week. That's not a lot of effort to do when I would do that if he were here. It isn't always convenient and I have to really pick and choose depending on weather and what is going on with work, but I would do that if he were here too so for me it doesn't seem like a bother. It is just a peaceful place for me at times and makes me feel like I'm still making him a priority.
I do find that I don't cry constantly (outwardly) every day now. I have gotten much better at hiding that for the most part.
Another significant thing that happened this past year is I lost my mom and my mother in law within just months of each other. This made Christmas even more bitter for both Tebo and I as it was both our first Christmas without our moms.
In addition, one of my dearest friends lost her only child (a son) at 22 years old as well to a tragic accident. It's been heartbreaking watching her hurt as I have hurt the last 8 years and watching her go through this "FIRST" year of "FIRSTS". It's so sad and honestly took me right back to December 2, 2010 as though it just happened that day.
There is no way to explain or even understand which life events will impact me that way. Sometimes it just feels like it hits out of the clear blue and sometimes I don't even notice it, but Tebo or other loved ones notice first.
Yes, I tend to withdraw when I feel overwhelmed so that is usually a tell tell sign to family and close friends. Sometimes they will ask or comment and sometimes they don't. There is no right or wrong way to handle that when you notice it, but I can't always promise I will respond or if I do that it would be appropriate. I do know I am different and I know I will never have the "old" me back again and that's just going to have to be okay.
Another significant thing that has happened and continues to happen until the end of April is a huge system change at work that is impacting our entire company and starts with my group. We have to have our data right first before it passes to the other departments. It is stressful and scary. I struggle with memory any way and learning things so different and new for me (especially these days) is very difficult and stressful. There are those out there that get it and understand, but there are others that do not and don't realize that something this major brings so many feelings and emotions to surface that I wasn't necessarily prepared for.
We also lost a granddaughter this year at 6 months during the pregnancy and having to witness our daughter and son in law's hurt has been a whole different level of sadness and helplessness. Trying to navigate our own feelings and still be sensitive and knowing what to do or say or what not to do or say to them has been a challenge. I pray we have done an ok job, but I don't know if we have or not. They may not even know if what we are or are not doing or saying is right. We are all just navigating the best we can and as we go along. I guess that's all anyone can do.
I do know one thing, the hole in my heart will never be repaired. Nothing will ever replace him in my heart and while there will be room made for new loves, there will never be enough to replace or take away the hole that exits and always will.
To those in my life that try or want to help, you really can't. All you can do is just be there and love me despite where in my life I may be. Doesn't mean you aren't helping, you are, it just means I don't know how to tell you what I need or how I feel.
I pray anyone I come in contact with that I never make them feel badly for anything they do or do not do or say or don't say. It would never be my intention. If I go MIA for a period of time, it isn't because I don't want you around or love you, I do, I just need space at that moment. It happens and my guess is it will continue for as long as the Lord keeps me on this earth.
