Nine years & 51 days

It's hard to believe that it has truly been nine years and 51 days since you were on this earth. It's been nine years and 54 days since I had the honor of hearing your voice even if it was only less than 30 seconds. I'm lucky in the fact that the last phone call, as short as it was, was absolutely the best one ever. You were so excited about your Peyton Manning autogrpahed picture that would be waiting on you when you returned home from Afghanistan for your 23rd birthday. All you could say was, that's crazy, that's just crazy. How did you do that mom? That's crazy and then we lost the connection. I remember telling Tebo immediately that I didn't get to tell you that I loved you before the call dropped so next time I was going to say "I love you" first and then we can chat. Sadly, there would never be a next time. People ask me if things get easier or better. My answer is always the same, NO! It never gets easier or better nor would I want it to be easier or better. Do you find a better way of facing this world, yes (sadly), but it never gets easier or better. I know I will always and forever feel the way I feel today until the day the good Lord decides my time on this earth is done. I'm ready any time he is to be done. There are many people in my life, mostly family, will probably crenge when/if they read this, but I didn't not only lose my only child, but I lost my bonus daughter too. I never thought I would be a good mother in law. I figured since Chad was an only child and a son at that, that I would never be able to accept a daughter in law, because I had never had to share him with a girl, ever. However, I have to say, because my son loved her like he did, so did I. I was excited to be her bonus mom and enjoy life with them and watch them grow and have babies one day, but that was not to be. I have been very fortunate that through my husband I have two wonderful bonus daughters and a bonus son and now two more bonus sons. I was honored to get to partcipate in both daughters' weddings and we have on granddaughter (at the moment) and I'm blessed to be able to be an "Ammy" with her and I look forward to one day having more. Nothing will ever change the fact that I will never know what it truly feels like to have my own blood grandchild and watch my son become a father, but I've been fortunate enough to be allowed to be "Ammy" to my niece and her soon to be baby boy, Cohen Wade Taylor (named after Chad). I will cherish every moment of little Cohen Wade's life and yes, I will be spoiling him any chance I get. I mean, that's what Ammy's are for. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I am definitely not the same person I was before Wednesday, December 1, 2010. I never will be that person again. I do strive to be better each day, but I will never be that person again. That part of me died the moment Chad died. It just is what it is for me and this is my new "normal" if that's what we want to call it. Losing a child is not a "group" or "club" anyone wants nor should be a part of. It's not the natural cycle of life. I've said it many times as have others. If you live long enough you will bury your parents and possibly a spouse, but you should not have to out live your child(children). That is not the normal cycle of life, but it apparently is God's plan. I don't pretend to understand why and I have not ever (consciously) asked why. I do wonder how in the world I am able to keep breathing when I feel my heart literally breaks every time I open my eyes and realize I am still here. I am amazed by the fact that my heart can feel like it does and yet I continue to open my eyes and breathe every day. How is that even possible? I guess I will never know the answer to that until I join Chad in heaven. A friend of mine once said, "you don't know how strong you are until that is all you have". That is true. I don't consider myself "strong", but it is definitely an unknown stregnth that keeps me going every day. I used to think it was for daddy, but now daddy is gone too and some how I continue to breathe and wake every morning. That is something I will never truly understand and maybe I am not supposed to understand. Either way, it sucks. Yes, I still have a room set up for him with what few things I have left of his. I don't know if that is healthy or not, but for me it somehow makes me feel like he is still part of our lives and we haven't just up and left him. I know, I know... It sounds crazy and just keeping his room set up and his cereal bowl in the kitchen cabinet and his no scent in the laundry room will not bring him back or make this all just a nightmare, but for me it just feels like the "normal" thing I would do if he were here and makes me feel like a piece of him is still here. Logically, I know this not to be true, but when has the heart ever been real logical? I'm not sure when or if this will ever change for me, but for now this is all I know and the only way I know how to get through each day without him. My life will never be as it was, I just try to make the best of what I do call "normal" now and try to be the best person I can be. I don't know why I'm here and he is not, but it wasn't my plan, it was HIS. Until the day I see you again, son, I will continue to love you and make sure you are never forgotten. Love, Momma Bear

2020 the year of COVID

What a year 2020 has turned out to be. In our lifetime we have never seen an epedemic like this where it impacted the entire world. We have been working from home since first of March (which I've loved) and looks like going back to the office will be slow and staggered and not at all look "normal" prior to March 1st. During this pandemic our daughter got engaged and then married. Our daddy passed away with Alzheimer's and Dementia. My sister completed chemo and radiation and reconstruction surgery for breast cancer. My other sister's husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and started his treatments. Graduations were canceled or minimal attendence. Schools closed down, opened up and some closed back down. We lost one of Chad's buddies to a motorcycle accident and his wife was seriously injured and no one could be with her in the hospital. Many people in hospitals had to be alone from COVID treatments, to child birth, to reconstruction and other surgeries, all alone other than the nurse and doctor staffs. These essential workers have to step in and be "family" for many of these patients on top of doing their jobs. It's been a world like we have never seen before. It's been crazy, different, and scary at the same time. This is also an election year for the President of the United States. I never thought I would be living in a world like this, yet, here we all are just learning to navigate our new "normal". I'm not sure about you, but I for one am a bit tired of having to navigate new "normals". I know for me personally, I've been doing this since December 1, 2010 and I'm ready for things to really be the final new "normal" for a while. All this change and challenges are getting a bit old. One thing positive about this entire situation is I was able to spend the first of March to June 24th with daddy, literally all day every day and I am so grateful for that. I set up my home office in the living room so we were right here together all day. We ate every meal together every day and as a bonus I had my husband with us. I would rather continue to work from home every day, but I know my husband is ready to go back to the office at least part time. Me, not so much. I'm hoping it's much later than sooner for me. Hopefully that will be the case. I guess we shall see. We along with many others had to cancel vacations and still not sure we will be able to travel at Christmas or in April, but we are going to try. Life is definitely different and getting used to wearing masks on our faces any time we are not at home has been quite different and a big challenge (for me). I know things could always be worse, but I certainly don't want to imagine that right now. 2020 has definitely been a year to remember (or can't wait for it to be over and forget about it). May you and all your loved ones stay safe and healthy and only strengthen relationships along the way. God Bless the United States of America.