Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Almost 3 years later

You know, Sunday, Dec. 1st will be 3 years since that dreaded doorbell rang.  It's not easier.  I don't miss him less.  It doesn't hurt less.  I still have more sleepless nights than sleeping nights.  This week I heard this song for the first time and I couldn't help but think about not only how I miss Chad, but how his friends must miss him.  The first song that made me think about his buddies was "I Drive Your Truck" by Lee Brice.  Then I hear this song and it just drives it home even more.  My heart goes out to each and everyone of his friends/brothers that miss him on a regular/daily basis.  I try not to let myself get too absorbed in my own grief and remember there are others out there having a hard time since he left this earth and there are days, I won't lie, that I can barely get through my own day let alone thinking about how someone else is feeling, but when that happens, I'm usually reminded in ways like this song.  I don't know if the person that wrote this song actually experienced a loss like this (I pray not), but if they didn't, they nailed it for sure.  This song describes how I imagine his friends feel.  Please listen to this song and especially to the words and I bet if you knew Chad even a little bit and his friends you will see in your mind exactly what I see.  Please remember to say a prayer for each of his buddies/brothers when you hear this song and pray for their peace and for them to be able to live life as full as they would should he still be here.

As for me, this year will seem a bit on the odd side.  We were given tickets by a very close friend to watch the KC Chiefs and Denver Broncos play Sunday, Dec. 1st.  I couldn't believe that game actually fell on that particular date.  I've never had the chance to see Peyton Manning play in person, only on TV, so to have the chance to watch him on this date just seems to make sense to me (as crazy as I am sure that sounds).  It's not like I will actually talk to him or shake his hand, but just being in the presence and watching him play thinking how awesome it would have been if Chad had ever had that chance.  I will be watching it as much for him as for myself.  I will probably cry and often that day and for whatever reason, I feel like it will be okay. 

I'm truly amazed every day I wake up and realize my heart is still beating.  There are days that I truly wonder how it doesn't just stop.  The hurt feels that great.  I can't explain it other than to say, it feels like it really should not beat, but somehow or for some reason, it does.  

I suppose it will always feel that way and honestly, I hope it does until my heart truly does stop beating.  I never want to miss him less or be okay with him not being here.  I don't want others to hurt, but I feel like as a mom it's my job to hurt over missing him and I need to do that job well without staying in a bad place.  I don't stay in those bad places, but I'm learning to forgive myself a little more when I have those bad days.  I probably struggle with that more than the actually hurting at times.  I somehow feel like I'm letting someone down by showing emotion, but I'm slowly understanding that, that really isn't the case.

I mentioned to Tebo that it was hard to believe it will be 3 years since he was taken from us and our 4th Christmas without him.  That breaks my heart.  I know he is in a better place and I know he is happy, healthy, not in pain, and for sure the Angels are lucky to have him, but it doesn't take the sting of not watching him continue to grow as a man, buy his first home, have children, and just be there.  He was so much of my heart that if you could get inside my heart before he was taken and now, you too would wonder how it beats every day.  I guess that will remain a mystery to me until I am face to face with God one day and can ask him.  Of course, the day I'm finally face to face with God I will stand in his glory and then I will high-tail it to Chad (he better be waiting on me at the gate, just saying) and hug him and hold him forever, never letting him go again, EVER! 

This Thanksgiving it is my prayer that as you are giving thanks to remember those that are still serving and those that are no longer with us and the families.  It can be painful to feel thankful when there is so much sadness and hurt, but we must and I get that.  You might throw an extra one in there for me as I journey through the next week or so. I would greatly appreciate it.  There are so many that do lift us up on a daily basis and honestly, that is the main reason my heart continues to beat and we thank you for that.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!  May you enjoy every moment you have with your family and friends that feel like family.