Grief

When does grief every complete it’s coarse, or does it?  I’m less than 4 weeks before it will be 8 years and I honestly do not feel like I’ve come very far.  I still feel so empty in my heart and soul.  While I know he was on loan from God and I was blessed to have 22 years with him, but I wasn’t ready for my time with him to end and I’m still not.  I don’t question why, I just miss him. 

I’m so fortunate to have the husband I do and the family and friends surrounding me, but you know, sometimes I just need my little man.  I can’t explain the kind of pain I feel in my heart on a regular basis.  It literally feels like what I would imagine a heart attack to feel like.  It is true pain at times.  I wouldn’t fight if God allowed me to have a heart attack if it would get me to heaven sooner to see him. 

Each year I think, okay, this is the year I will be able to just be home at Christmas and spend it with family and then I hit October and I’m like, nope, it can’t be this year.  I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if I will ever be there.  I struggle with whether I need to just suck it up and move forward, but honestly, it’s like my heart aches so badly that I can’t bear the thought of “celebrating” or even being home during that time.

December and May are obviously my hardest months, but there are very few days in my life now that my heart doesn’t ache like this.  Every moment I am breathing I am missing such a huge part of my heart and soul, but I’ve managed most times to push all that down deep and function and then there are times when all I want to do is cry and be alone in the quiet. 

I do not believe grief ever ends.  I think it changes, but I believe, for me anyway, that grief will always be a part of my everyday life until the Lord decides he is ready for me. 

What I do want to make sure I’m not doing is letting others see my grief daily and make sure that when they see me grief isn’t the first thing they see.  I don’t know how well I do this or if I do it at all, but I do feel I try daily. 

If only we could go to heaven for visits.