One Hundred Twenty Six Days

I cannot believe it is only 126 days until it will be eleven years since you left this earth. There are days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like forever ago. I will tell you the pain is exactly the same with the exception of some days it feels the pain is deeper and harder. It truly feels like the pain and sadness does come in waves and there are times I do feel as though I may drown. I haven't drown yet, obviously, but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way at times. The struggle is still very real every single day. I had someone just this week tell me that she knew it got easier over the years, but some years were still harder than others. I agree some years are harder than others, but I completely disagree that it gets easier, it does NOT get easier. At least not for me it hasn't gotten easier. I don't expect it will ever get easier for me and I'm not trying to be a negative Nelley here, I'm just being real. I also wouldn't want it to be easy not having you here. I still struggle every morning wanting to get up and put my feet on the floor and face the day, but I do it. I go through the motions of life every day, but I don't like it. I guess no one ever said I had to like it, but they did say I had to do it. The only saving grace, for now, is that I'm still allowed to work from home. I'm so grateful for that. I dread, daily, the day I have to return to the office. I guess I will just have to face that fact when/if that happens, but until then I will continue to enjoy my time at home in my solitary time. Chad, I have to tell you that I never thought I could live even one minute without you here on this earth, but I definitely never thought I could live almost 11 years without you here. I don't know how or why I am, but there must be a reason for it. I sure wish I knew why. Right now it makes no sense to me. I don't know what good I am serving being here to be quite honest. Especially since BoBo is no longer here, but apparently the Lord has a reason for it. I just wish he would give me a little clue. I'm just tired all the time and I know a big part of that is just the missing of you and longing to see you, hug you, smell you, and just see that crooked little grin. I need that so badly that it's hard to truly express it in words. I just feel all that in my heart so much that it actually hurts my heart physically. I will stop here or I will not get a bit of work done today. Just know that I love you and miss you beyond what words could ever truly express. I pray you are dancing up there and you and Jessica and BoBo and Granny are having a great time. I also hope that you and Billy are having fun (and not getting into any trouble) LOL Wait for me by the gates when you know I'm on my way and tell me everything I've missed since you've been there and give grandmother a hug for me. I love you son. Love, momma bear.

When words aren't there

There are days when there are no words to explain what I'm feeling on the inside. I'm having those days this week. It started yesterday after going to the cemetery. I don't know why and I can't tell you what triggered it. I just know while I was there I got a knot in my stomach and I thought for a moment I would throw up. I didn't, but I had to fight that feeling off for a couple of hours after. I got home and settled back in to work and had to really work hard to stay focused through the flood of tears that ran down my face. I don't know what causes this to trigger at times with no warning. It just happens some times. At 5:00 I logged off work and took the book I was reading and sat on the patio while I waited for Tebo to get home from work and just read with very low music playing and my water sitting there and tried to pull myself together so he didn't noticed I had cried all afternoon. It must have worked because he never asked or mentioned anything. The kids were in our area at dinner time and wanted to meet up to eat so we did. That was a nice distraction until Tebo casually mentioned that I needed to go back to the office. Well, number one I'm not released to return to the office yet from the neurologist from my fall, but regardless, I'm not sure why this is such an issue for him. I'm not hurting anyone by working from home and I am working. I'm getting all my work done plus house work done. I'm giving them far more hours working from home than I would going to the office, so again, I'm not sure what the issue is here, but whatever! I'm sick of hearing it. This isn't the first time he has made this comment so when I go to my follow up appointment with the neurologist in August I will just let him release me to return to the office. I'm hurt that he continues to bring this up and I am sick of feeling guilty for working from home when he says things like that so I will just go back. I will pick and choose the days that I will ride with him or drive and I will work from home on Friday like he does. It will be time to put that "office mask" back on again and play that "everything is okay" game again. God! I'm dreading that day coming again. I've so enjoyed being able to just do my work and not have to wear that freaking mask all day long that everything is okay, but whatever! I will just do what I need to do, but trust me, it will not be welcomed in my heart and I am sure a big part of me will shut down. I will be more exhausted emotionally like I was before COVID, but what do you do. When you feel pressured to go back and the person that is supposed to be the closest to you doesn't get that it's this hard for you to face this again doesn't get it what do you do. You just do what the hell you have to and just deal with it. So that's what I will do when that dreadful day comes, and it will come far sooner than I had hoped.

Painter

If you have lived very long at all you know the expression, painting a pretty picture. Well, in life we all do that at some point in our lives. We "paint a picture" for the world to see, or our friends/family to see vs. the truth or the "real" us. You know the "painted picture", the woman going through cancer and she shows up with this bright smile on her face, but underneath she is in pain and feels very self-conscious, because she is bald and likely has had a mastectomy and feels like less of a woman. Although, we all know she is more of a woman, because we see how strong she is and that makes her even more beautiful than any hair on her head or boobs on her body could make her, but she isn't feeling that way, but she isn't showing that to the room. What about the young woman who has desired to be a mother for so long and finally finds herself pregnant and enjoying all there is about being pregnant and even has announced it to the world and named her precious new baby just to go into labor early or to unknowingly lost her baby and is left devastated, but has to go on regardless like everything is okay. It's not okay for her, so she "paints" her picture. Imagine the woman that devoted her life to a man that she adores and thought she would spend the rest of her life with and discovers one day that things don't seem quite the same, but then gets in her own head thinking she is going crazy and not to mention he doesn't help by making her feel like she is just paranoid only to discover she was right all along, he was cheating. Suddenly she finds herself "painting" her own picture of being okay when she walks into church on Sunday or work on Monday when in truth she has no clue how she is going to function now without her soul mate. This might seem trivial to us, but not to this young person. What about the teenager who just got her period and she is the first one in her group of friends to achieve this horrific milestone in a young woman's life, but she can't let the others in gym class know so she walks in from the locker room with her head held high and completes gym class as though nothing is wrong. During the entire class she just really wants to hide under a rock, but this might likely be the first time she has to show her real strength in life, but we all know it won't be her last. She just had her first piece of art work that she painted, but she likely didn't realize it yet. How about that sister that has a difficult sibling that regardless how hard she tries, nothing is ever right enough. This happens to be a sister that really does try hard to do the right thing all the time (although she knows she fails a lot of the time) and yet no matter how hard she tries there is always something that doesn't please another sibling or a reason this other sibling isn't happy. Suddenly there is this huge wedge that is between them, but this one sister knows that it is her job to make sure that her "duties" are fulfilled and done with dignity and class, because it's the right thing to do. So, the painting continues. The problem is, this sister is becoming a bit too good or maybe familiar is the better word for her "painting" abilities. See, this sister has been perfecting her painting abilities for a very long time. You could probably go as far as to say most of her life. See, this particular sister has spent her life (as long as she can remember) making sure she didn't purposely upset anyone and making sure everyone got along best she could. Peace keeper would probably be a good way to describe her. She never wanted to upset the apple cart I guess you could say. Always wanting to keep the family together and keeping the peace between everyone and making sure no one was ever disappointed. Exhausting, huh? You could say that. It's not that it is really exhausting, really. The biggest thing it is, really, is disappointing when after so many years and fighting back her own, we will call them demons for now, is that there is still no improvement being seen. It's sad really. See, that sister mentioned above is me. I've worked very hard for (okay, I don't admit to this number very often) 54 years now (at least since I was a teenager) to keep the peace and try to make everyone happy. Regardless how hard I try it just seems that there are some of our siblings that just cannot be happy no matter how hard any of us try. I'm not the only one trying, trust me. I've probably just been the one trying the longest, which makes sense since I'm the oldest. See, the "demons" as I refer to, is my own sadness. I know "demons" is probably not the best description of sadness, but it's the best way to describe how sadness makes me feel at times. See, I lost my only child in December 2010 and since that day I have had the saddest heart. The only person who could even begin to understand what a sad heart like that could feel like is another parent that has lost a child. Don't try to compare this kind of sadness to the loss of a parent (I've lost both my parents, it's not the same). I've not lost a spouse, but I can assure you, it's not the same. This struggle is real. It's as real as the ones above, but there is no real healing from this. All there is from this is the learning of how to cope better or at least becoming a better painter. There are days I do a better job of painting than others. It's been a blessing that I've been able to work from home since March 1st of 2021 thanks to COVID, but I know the day will come that I won't have the luxury and for that I am sad. At least when I'm working from home, I don't go through as much "paint". If I have a "moment" I can just take that time and gather myself and move along. Once I'm back in the office that won't be the case without multiple people taking notice. If you have not walked in these shoes (and I pray you never do), then you will have a hard time understanding this, but when you have these "moments" the last thing you want is someone asking you if you are okay. No! I'm not okay and no, there is nothing you can do. I appreciate you asking (no I really don't appreciate it, but what else should I say?), but if there were something you could do, I would have you do that on December 1, 2010. Sometimes it doesn't take an anniversary or birthday or holiday to trigger emotions. Some days it can be a song that comes on the radio, or a commercial on TV, or a video I happen to see or the mere fact that I over hear someone complain about their kids and I think yeah, one day you will be glad you have them to complain about and I will suddenly burst into tears. So painting takes lots of practice, at least for me. Even after 10 1/2 years I'm still trying to get it right. You might wonder where in the world am I going with all this. Maybe it feels like I'm rambling, and maybe I am. What I would like to say is this. Be careful to judge someone that might seem to be in a bad mood or may not seem to be paying attention like you think they should be. They could be going through something and just "painting" a picture that things are okay when they are far from it. I'm sure I meet people at times that don't know me that would have no clue what I'm going through. That's the point of "painting", right? Making sure no one knows your truth or pain, whatever it might be? So my challenge to you would be the next time you perceive someone as being rude or in a bad mood or just not paying attention the way you think they should be, stop and think for a moment that maybe, just maybe they are going through something and maybe their "painting" just isn't as complete as it should or needs to be just yet. Show some kindness and patience with them. You just never know how much showing a bit of kindness might mean to that person at that very moment. As for me, I can tell you, that just showing you care or even just give a damn that I'm still alive on this Earth when you have no clue how difficult that is most days, how much that would mean to me. So to that sibling that can't see past her own bubble or that friend that is so wrapped up in herself or that total stranger that wants to get pissed off because I forgot that I was supposed to turn right and had to make a quick turn last minute, maybe pause and think for just a moment that I might be struggling a little bit for a moment, but if you will show a little compassion, I will get my "painting" completed better for the next day (hopefully) and things will go a little better for YOU next time our paths cross. Please and thank you.

Family Vacation

What a great time. Tebo and I found ourselves in Charleston for 4 days with Paige, Rodney, Jorden and Cohen for 4 days and then stayed on for another 3 days by ourselves downtown and just had a great realxing time. We just chilled and hung out at the air bnb we got. The guys went fishing Monday morning and us girls and Cohen hung out. We worked with our little nugget on learning to crawl and he was just the perfect little 7 month old. I've never seen a 7 month old be so good on vacation. He couldn't have been a better little man. I was so proud of him. Really I'm so proud of Jorden for teaching him so well. It starts there for sure. We went to the beach two days while we were there. I have to say, Cohen wasn't a huge fan of the beach or the ocean, but I'm thinking our next trip, he will be all about it. I can't wait for that. Especially since the Monday after we got back home that little stinker not only start crawling like a pro, but he also immediately started pulling up and even took a step to straighten himself up. I swear I believe he is a baby genius. We had lots of laughter and fun. We talked, danced, ate, had cocktails and just enjoyed time together. It was just a wonderful fun filled time just being together. Once Paige and team left on Wednesday after we had brunch, Tebo and I headed for downtown and checked into our hotel and unpacked and started exploring downtown Charleston. It was wonderful. It was hot and humid (not that I minded), but it was wonderful. The homes and history of it all was facinating. I loved it. We had so many recommendations of places to eat. We made reservations as soon as we confirmed we were going at this place called Husk. Apparently they are so hard to get into that you usually have to get reservations a year out, but thanks to COVID we were able to get reservations when he called. I have to say, while the food was good, we had better food at CRU Cafe. Tebo had a steak and he said his steak at a Chop House in Greenville that we ate at end of May was far better. My meal (pork dish) was very good, but I'm not a huge foodie, so I could really care less. We also ate at Muse and that was good. We really enjoyed everywhere we ate and the cocktails we had were wonderful. When we ate as Husk we (well I) got dressed up and made a big night of it. I enjoyed that part. I like making a special night of things once in a while. I don't have to do that all the time, but once in a while it's just kind of nice. That night was very nice. What really made it nice is that he really liked my dress and that made me feel so great. He made me feel so pretty and that always feels special. At that point I didn't care if we ate at a food truck (okay, maybe I wouldn't have liked that so much since they kind of freak me out), but regardless, I wouldn't have cared where we went, I felt special and pretty thanks to him. We were ready for our own bed once we got home, but we weren't ready to leave Charleston and get back to reality. The good thing is we had Monday off so we had two days to rest up and get laundry done and check on the land before hitting work again. That was nice. It's our hope that we will be able to have a family vacation like this annually and while it would be great to go to different place each year we will be limited because Rodney won't fly and we have to be considerate of Jorden traveling with Cohen so it will likely need to be around Charleston, but we do want to find a house on the beach next time. However, a house on the beach is proving to be a bit more expensive, but the search continues. Maybe since we have a year to plan we will get lucky. Fingers crossed. I would love for this to be something that can become a new tradition that we do each year and just create memories that will last a lifetime.