One Mom's Journey: What's the word?

If you have never lost a child you won't actually be able to help me with this question. You would have to experience this kind of loss and pain to even grasp what this feels like. There are events that pop up every year and often in the year that just brings everything flooding back. It doesn't have to be big events and it doesn't even have to be events. It could be a song, a commercial, someone else's pain, really anything can trigger it.

This week has been one of those weeks that I find it hard to breathe and even harder to just have to be around people and fake happiness in general. I don't know why exactly, but I know it is hard to find the word that would describe the type and depth of sadness in my heart. Friday this week Tebo and I will drive to a mile marker in Altus, AR to the Altus Court House to be there when runners run a mile in honor of Chad. He is number 7 out of 144 Fallen Heroes that will be honored that day. All of these Heroes are from Arkansas. It is so sad and surreal when you look at the numbers like that. 144 young men/women who gave their lives fighting for our country just in the state of Arkansas. Just breaks my heart. Just in the state of Arkansas there are 144 moms and dads that feel this type of pain and sadness. If I had to guess I would imagine that they too cannot find the word to describe this sadness.

I have thought about Tebo's mom a lot this week as she has been sick. We were very worried that she might not make it. While she was kind of out of it if you will she was talking to family members that had passed on before her. One of the saddest ones was her oldest son. She saw him twice and thought he was coming to get her in 4 days. I literally could not hold back the tears. As a mom, I completely get it. Even when she didn't know what she was saying or probably even where she was she was longing for her son.   She lived 87 years (at the time) and had to lay to rest her first born. She has, now at 88 years old, out lived one of her children. How terribly sad is it that she would out live a child. That's not how this is supposed to work. We are supposed to bury out parents and grandparents, but not our children.

It would be hard for someone that has not lost a child to truly grasp this next statement and before I even type it I would like to make it perfectly clear. I am not suicidal and I never have been and don't expect I ever will be. However, there are days that I pray that the Lord would just make it so my heart would just stop beating so I can see my son again. I won't lie, I have said this prayer many times and I imagine as long as I am on this earth I will continue to pray that prayer. It's not that I want to leave my husband and family and friends, it is only because I long for my son in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it. The only thing that would make this feeling go away is for him to be in front of me so I can hug him and kiss his forehead again and tell him how much I love him and just watch him sleep in that crazy position one more time.

There is a song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away". That has never had so much meaning in my entire life than it has since 12-1-10. I would go every day if I could so just love on him and see how he was. He wasn't a huge talker so I know there wouldn't be a lot of words exchanged (we never needed that), but there would be hugs and just time spent together that I cherish so much.

It doesn't matter how a child dies or when, it is the same kind of pain and I would bet that all parents have a difficult time expressing how that feels. It just is and there is nothing that will take that pain away.

Oh, and NO, it does not get better or easier to not have your child. It never will. We might find better ways of coping, yes, but go away or become easier, absolutely NOT!

If you have been blessed enough to have never had to bury your child I would encourage you to take a moment and not only be thankful, but let that child regardless of age that you love them and when you can, give them a hug that lets them know you never want to let them go. You are not guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), so make the most of that time you have while you have it.

Chad, this is specifically for you (even though I realize you cannot read this). You were always the best thing I have did and I love you more than anything or anyone in this world and I always will.   You were a blessing I was never supposed to have and you truly made my world a beautiful place until the day you left. I truly never believed I could love the way I loved you, but I did and I still do. Nothing will ever change that and I long for the day I can wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead. Love you more than you could ever know, Momma Bear.