Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Those days

You know those days when it feels like you are the only one in this world hurting?  Well, here goes my pity party.  For many months now I have felt exactly that way.  I know it is selfish and I will own that right now.  I hope I haven't let others know or see that side, but honestly I'm not sure it's possible to feel that way and others not see it in some form or fashion.
I have felt like some people I love with all my heart (not my husband) have put distance between us and that has bothered me to the point that I find myself consumed with that feeling and hurt.  That's on me.  I am one of the worse about keeping certain feelings buried inside and I do struggle (except here) letting my feelings known.  I need to do better at that, but I was like this as long as I have memory, however, I do believe it's been worse since I lost Chad. 
I am definitely a different person since losing him.  I don't think I would say I am a bad person, just different.  I do find that I pull away quicker from people/situations when I feel hurt, angry, or any emotion really.  I don't want to be that way, but it is just how I cope apparently.
I've had several very emotional days lately.  I guess it started before last Friday, but seems it's been worse since then. 
You might wonder why last Friday.  Well, last Friday Tebo and I attend the 7th annual AR Run for the Fallen at Chad's mile marker in Altus, AR.  It is the most amazing tribute to the 144 of Arkansas' fallen heroes.  Mine just happens to be one of the 144.  It breaks my heart even typing that, but that's the truth.
Anyway, I held myself together while we were there and I usually have a little weepy moment while we make the 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive back to N.W. AR, but for the most part I can hold it together.  Well, this weekend was, for whatever reason, an exception to that statement.  I can't justify the crazy it feels when it hit, because it was so trivial that I probably shouldn't even share, but there may be another parent out there that has had the same thing happen and if not, you just get a free laugh at my expense and I'm ok with that.  So here goes.  Saturday I had a list of things I wanted to get done around the house while Tebo and Tia were working in the backyard.  My list was simple, normal cleaning downstairs, catch up on filing and organizing the office, do the floors downstairs and strip the sheets off Chad's bed in the event someone unexpected needed a place to sleep the sheets would be clean.  Ok, so far so good, right.  Well, yes, so far.  Chad's room has really been one of the last rooms we have completely put together since moving into this house.  It had eventually gotten somewhat put together, but not completely.  No, it didn't really matter and it was no big deal, just hadn't been completed.  Well, a dear friend of mine had her mother (and she helped) make me a quilt out of Chad's old baseball uniform t-shirts with TN orange and white on the back.  I had just laid it over his bed (although it really doesn't fit for that).  I had not gotten bedding for his bed yet as we had been using the Murphy Bed, but decided after this move we would not use it as it didn't weather the move very well this time.  We had gotten a platform bed frame and I just did that for the time being.  So I go through the day and get all my list done and had decided while Chad's sheets dried I would go out and help Tebo and Tia.  Once we were done in the yard another friend of ours came by, Tebo had grilled and we were eating dinner.  I went in to get the dried sheets out and started making his bed and as I was laying the quilt on the bed I just fell apart.  I have no idea why, but I could not control it.  The friend of ours came in and yelled from downstairs, bye mom (inside joke) see ya later.  I respond back that I would see him later and I could not control or stop the tears.  I went downstairs to get a glass of wine and was planning to just take a minute when I meet Tebo and the tears flowed even more.   I said I just need a minute, got my glass of wine and went back to Chad's room and just sat in the chair in the quiet.  Once I could finally compose myself I went outside and Tebo asked if I was ok and I said, yes, I just have to get new bedding for his room and get that room pulled together.  Of course without hesitation he said ok.  We did just that the very next day.  We still have a few things to finish it up, but it feels much more put together.  I don't know why that bothered me so badly, but apparently his room needs to be done.  I know he will never see or be in that room, it just didn't seem to matter at that moment. 
there have been a ton of things over the last year that have just been building and compiling in my life as it is in most people's lives.  I'm sure most people handle all these things far better than myself and I can own that.  I just do not know how to stop this vicious cycle. 
the hurt and sadness I feel isn't something that I can fix or will go away where it pertains to Chad, but the others that have put me in this place could make it better in that respect, but what do you do when the other person is so prideful and has a difficult time apologizing?  Nothing!  You just wait for them to finally be in a place to move forward and sadly the "I'm sorry" may never come so you might as well prepare yourself for that.  I have.  What I have a hard time with is the distance and the silence. 
I know you can't fix other people.  I also know I can't control others, I can only control myself and how I react/respond.  However, if the other person never gives me a chance to react or respond I guess that's another way, but that way sucks to be quite frank. 
I will likely do like I always do.  I will eventually feel I can confront this person and give him/her a chance to explain and while I have no expectations of receiving an apology, maybe things can go back to normal.  If not, it won't be the first time (and apparently not the last) that I have had to learn a new normal. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

What's the word?

If you have never lost a child you won't actually be able to help me with this question.  You would have to experience this kind of loss and pain to even grasp what this feels like.  There are events that pop up every year and often in the year that just brings everything flooding back.  It doesn't have to be big events and it doesn't even have to be events.  It could be a song, a commercial, someone else's pain, really anything can trigger it.

This week has been one of those weeks that I find it hard to breathe and even harder to just have to be around people and fake happiness in general.  I don't know why exactly, but I know it is hard to find the word that would describe the type and depth of sadness in my heart.  Friday this week Tebo and I will drive to a mile marker in Altus, AR to the Altus Court House to be there when runners run a mile in honor of Chad.  He is number 7 out of 144 Fallen Heroes that will be honored that day.  All of these Heroes are from Arkansas.  It is so sad and surreal when you look at the numbers like that.  144 young men/women who gave their lives fighting for our country just in the state of Arkansas.  Just breaks my heart.  Just in the state of Arkansas there are 144 moms and dads that feel this type of pain and sadness.  If I had to guess I would imagine that they too cannot find the word to describe this sadness.

I have thought about Tebo's mom a lot this week as she has been sick.  We were very worried that she might not make it.  While she was kind of out of it if you will she was talking to family members that had passed on before her.  One of the saddest ones was her oldest son.  She saw him twice and thought he was coming to get her in 4 days.  I literally could not hold back the tears.  As a mom, I completely get it.  Even when she didn't know what she was saying or probably even where she was she was longing for her son.   She lived 87 years (at the time) and had to lay to rest her first born.  She has, now at 88 years old, out lived one of her children.  How terribly sad is it that she would out live a child.  That's not how this is supposed to work.  We are supposed to bury out parents and grandparents, but not our children. 

It would be hard for someone that has not lost a child to truly grasp this next statement and before I even type it I would like to make it perfectly clear.  I am not suicidal and I never have been and don't expect I ever will be.  However, there are days that I pray that the Lord would just make it so my heart would just stop beating so I can see my son again.  I won't lie, I have said this prayer many times and I imagine as long as I am on this earth I will continue to pray that prayer.  It's not that I want to leave my husband and family and friends, it is only because I long for my son in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it.  The only thing that would make this feeling go away is for him to be in front of me so I can hug him and kiss his forehead again and tell him how much I love him and just watch him sleep in that crazy position one more time.  

There is a song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away".  That has never had so much meaning in my entire life than it has since 12-1-10.  I would go every day if I could so just love on him and see how he was.  He wasn't a huge talker so I know there wouldn't be a lot of words exchanged (we never needed that), but there would be hugs and just time spent together that I cherish so much.

It doesn't matter how a child dies or when, it is the same kind of pain and I would bet that all parents have a difficult time expressing how that feels.  It just is and there is nothing that will take that pain away.

Oh, and NO, it does not get better or easier to not have your child.  It never will.  We might find better ways of coping, yes, but go away or become easier, absolutely NOT!

If you have been blessed enough to have never had to bury your child I would encourage you to take a moment and not only be thankful, but let that child regardless of age that you love them and when you can, give them a hug that lets them know you never want to let them go.  You are not guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), so make the most of that time you have while you have it. 

Chad, this is specifically for you (even though I realize you cannot read this).  You were always the best thing I have did and I love you more than anything or anyone in this world and I always will.   You were a blessing I was never supposed to have and you truly made my world a beautiful place until the day you left.  I truly never believed I could love the way I loved you, but I did and I still do.  Nothing will ever change that and I long for the day I can wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead.  Love you more than you could ever know, Momma Bear. 

Just at BoBo & Nana's house (picture courtesy of Stacy Croft)
You know, just at home showing mommy how to cook.

His mean football face.

At his last Croft reunion in one of his favorite shirts

Senior picture (picture by Stacy Gough @ Phorever Studios)

Home on leave in another favorite shirts
Right before leaving for Boot Camp in Kansas City, MO (2007)
From his wedding (9-18-2009)

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Another Move

Dear Chad,
Well, we have moved again. 😔  I've struggled for some reason with this move.  I can't explain why, I just have.  However, it's starting to finally feel like home.  Tebo has done a great job of just allowing me to take the time I needed in order to feel at home here and that's helped tremendously.

You would love it.  It's almost a full acre with great trees in both the front and back yards.  There is this special perk you would have here....  DEER! (no you would not be able to shoot them).  😂
They even come right in the yard, but typically you will see them walking down the streets and in neighbors' yards.  Around Christmas one actually ran through a neighbor's yard taking out most of the decorations.  LOL. I have to say, that didn't break my heart (it was seriously the Griswold yard).

So I will describe the house best I can, but the pictures should help.  It is a 2 story home with the master bedroom downstairs and all other rooms upstairs.  I was a bit disappointed in not having another bedroom downstairs, but should we ever need it the office downstairs has a closet (although not a great one).  We liked having the extra room downstairs for parents, but this one just didn't have that option.  It is a very nice open concept in the main living space and kitchen is very nice and feels homey.  It has double front doors and I really like that.  The office is nice as well especially with the closet because we can keep all the Wings for Our Troops stuff in there and I'm not having to take other closet space for that.  I do really like that.  It also has french doors going out to the front porch which is nice.  The kitchen is really nice.  It not only has a huge island, but it has the no divide sink in it that I've been wanting badly and it hasn't disappointed.  I think even Tebo is starting to appreciate it like I do (that's just an added bonus).  Ha!

Upstairs we have a second Master bedroom (not sure why, but it does), your bedroom (which I finally got put together last weekend), another bedroom with a Jack & Jill bathroom between that room and yours.  Tia is staying in the other bedroom adjacent to yours.  Then we have a bonus room.  That room is much smaller than our last bonus room so when Tia moves out we will likely move the bonus room into Tia's room.  

The laundry room is ridiculously big.  I love it, but good grief it's large.  We have an oversized three car garage which is very nice.  At first the biggest disappointment for me was the lack of a big patio like the one we left, but it did have a deck.  The deck is huge for sure and we had it covered with a pergola over one section of it and we had the outdoor kitchen put in (although much smaller than the last one) and it actually works really well out there.  We can't stain it all until the Spring, but it is very nice.  They closed in under the deck to give us storage and not have just open space under it.  Then we had them remove the wooden spindles in the railing on the deck and replaced with cables.  It added a touch of modern to it which is very much how the inside of the house is and it allows me to sit on the deck and see the backyard.  Before the wooden spindles actually blocked my view when I was sitting (stop your laughing LOL).

We have a lot of yard work to do if Spring ever gets here, but Tebo has a ton of yard to mow now which will be very different.  I don't think he minds as he absolutely loves this lot and now, so do I.
There are only about 50 houses in the entire neighborhood and it's nicely tucked away off 112.  What's funny is it is literally on the same cul-de-sac as Kristin Allen's house that you used to mow.  How crazy is that.  The outside looks like a Craftsman style with a front porch that wraps around one side to the office.  That I really do like.  

So the funniest thing so far has been when we invited Leon "decorator" from Howse to come out and help us know how to arrange furniture and some decorating.  As much as I hate to admit it, he did have some great ideas.  Of course it cost us some money as he had us replace several pieces of furniture and add some lamps and mirrors, but as hard as it was to turn loose of that money, it has made a huge difference.  I actually think my favorite pieces now are the mirrors and the new dinning table (I can't let Tebo know that as I hated losing our other one).  Ha!  So mums the word.  

I wish you were here to see it for yourself and your room is always ready for you.  😍

The only friends of yours that have seen the house so far are Tyler & Desi and Clint & Emily.  They always make an effort to see us any time they get the chance and we love that.  Hopefully once the weather gets nicer we will start cooking outside and enjoying it more and hopefully your buddies will come enjoy it with us.  I haven't had a lot of family here yet.  BoBo, Stacy, Leckey, uncle Phil, & Dawn have seen it, but that's been it.  Life has just been crazy and the parents have been sick so that's made it even harder.  I'm hoping that will change soon.

Well, that's all right now.  I just wanted to share with you about this big move and I haven't written you in a bit.  I love you son.


Momma Bear 😘

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Aching Heart

I have so much sadness in my heart and weighing on my mind lately.  Adding that new sadness on top of the constant sadness of not having my only son on this earth feels like it has magnified the current sadness and heaviness in my heart and mind.

Our family has been through a lot this past few years with aging parents and illness and the loss of our mother to complications of Alzheimer's, but even more than that there feels like tension, strife, and distance between our siblings.  That breaks my heart.  To make it even a bit worse is I'm not really sure what got us to this point and defiiately know I have no idea how to fix it or make it better so we can get past this.

I truly try and feel in my heart that I want to do the best things for everyone in met family and especially with my siblings and I'm unable to do that now.  Being the oldest of us kids I have always felt it was my responsibility to make sure everything stays cool between us all and I try to be the one to keep the peace and right now I find myself not only not in peace, but it seems like I can say nothing or do anything right.  I don't say that to feel sorry for myself, because I don't feel sorry for myself.  I just simply feel sad.

Sisters are supposed to be your first and longest best friend and I feel for the most part of my life I have been fortunately enough to have that relationship with them.  Yes, some of us were closer than others, but I have always known (and would still do it today) that regardless what may be going on at the time I would drop everything to be there for them should any of them need something.

It's harder and unfortunate that distance makes it more difficult to do that on a regular basis and oh yeah, there is that little thing called a full time job that gets in the way, but there is nothing I wouldn't do for any of them if they ask.

What I miss more is having just silly conversations or serious ones about kids and daily stuff or if one is frustration is taking place in their life that they would call and vent to me and we could just cuss and discuss it and hopefully they as well as myself would feel better before we hung up the phone.  I'm not having that right now and I truly do not know how to make it go back to the way it was.

Sadly I'm worried it will take another tragedy to pull us together again and that is heartbreaking.  It's my hope and prayer that it doesn't come to that and things can go back to the way they were, but right now today, I don't feel very hopeful.

There are many days in my life since Chad left this earth that I just feel I need to just lean on them and cry and vent how I feel and right now I don't feel like I can do that so instead I do my floors and clean house and just stay to myself as much as I can so that I don't do or say anything that would make our relationship(s) worse.

I am certain that eventually this will all change and we will find our ways back together and be close again, but the wait is taking a true toll on me right now.  Maybe it's the extra stress at work and sadness from losing mom and knowing daddy isn't improving and worried about what my end up happening with him, but honestly, as much as I know are expected to bury our parents, it doesn't make it easy, but it makes me much harder when you feel there is distance between sisters who should really be best friends and just there for each other even if there are disagreements.

I know this too shall pass, but WOW it's not easy trying to manage through it until that happens.

If you are reading this I would appreciate prayers.  That's the last resort I have at this point.

I certainly miss this closeness more than words will ever be able to express and maybe I will get the chance to say that and maybe things will go back to the way it was, but apparently it's not there for all of us yet.

Mom & Me <3

How it should be

Sure miss this young man...
Love him so much!  Missing him will never go away
Left to right, Me, Paige, Dawn, & Stacy


Stair steps (I've always been the short one)  :)

Miss the laughter

Love it

Such a true description.  LOL "Miss Behavin"

Sister for Life

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Two thousand five hundred and fifty five days

Dear Chad,

Well, I've tried since 12-1-17 to write this letter to you and I have struggled so much this time for some reason.  Maybe it's because so much has happened over the last seven years, but regardless, here goes another attempt.
It's hard to believe you have been gone from this earth for seven years, but you have.  I truly felt that on December 1, 2010 my heart would have stopped beating, but it didn't.  The days continued, work continued, life continued and yet there are still more days than not that I feel I am merely floating through this thing called life in a fog.  I'm truly not sure that will ever change. 

I wanted to write you a letter today, although I know you will never read it, it somehow makes me feel better to tell you things I would have told you all these years.  Oh boy, has there been a lot that has happened over these seven years too.

How do I even start to fill you in.  There is no way to get the timeline accurate, but I will just share some things that I feel were big things over this time.

First and foremost you need to know that Tebo has been amazing.  He has been there every step of the way making sure I am as okay as I can be without you here.  You would be very proud of how he has loved your momma bear through all of this.

Well, I know you would be curious about BoBo and sadly, he has been through a lot and most of that has been in the last year.  He had a stroke (at least one) and a heart attack and ended up with open heart surgery.  What you won't be shocked about is the fact that he was so close to death several times and pulled through like a true Marine.  :)  The saddest part of that was his dementia not only got worse, but he was also diagnosed with emerging Alzheimer's and that has progressively gotten worse and depending on what is going on around him it is more obvious than other days, but he will sadly continue to decline.  Then you have Nana, who you know was still recovering from open heart surgery herself when you married and while hers has not progressed as much as BoBo's, you can definitely tell she is declining as well.  She has had a stroke and some additional heart surgeries and still facing at least one more, but she fell in the shower and broke her shoulder so that has unfortunately set her back quite a bit.  I have to say, Stacy and Leckey are doing a great job of taking care of them and making sure they are ok.  I wish I was in a position to be over there more, but so far I've not been a huge help.  I'm hoping once we get back from San Diego for Christmas and my hip is better (I will explain later) I will at least be able to go over on weekends and help more. 

We did finally end up selling their place (sadly not as soon as we had hoped), but they have had to move in with Aunt Stacy and Uncle Leckey and the kids and that has been more than difficult for everyone over there.  It's hard enough to know your parents have lost a lot if not all their independence, but just the added burden to Aunt Stacy's family has been tough for them all as well.  They are making the best of it and all we can do is pray it gets some better although we know the parents will only decline from here rather than improve and that's hard to know and watch. 

Poor Granny.  When I started this letter to you I was explaining how she was in the last stage of Alzheimer's and it was so sad and that Aunt Paige finds herself doing the majority of the caregiving even though PaPa is still there.  However, Christmas Day she got really sick and wasn't acting just right to they took her to the hospital and she had suffered multiple strokes, started aspirating which caused pneumonia.  She couldn't speak or explain how she felt.  Needless to say, you know this already, but she went home to be with the Lord on the 29th.  We were still in San Diego, CA trying to get a flight out to get to NC as quickly as we could.  We weren't able to get there until Sunday afternoon.  We had all the services on that Tuesday and then we had to come back home the next day.  That was hard to do for sure.  It's all truly very sad to witness and I'm glad you aren't having to experience that heartache. (yes, you will be happy to know that I have put it in writing in my living trust/will that when I can no longer care for myself or be left alone that I am to be put in a facility, following your wishes LOL).

Ok, onto something happier.  Peanut is so grown up.  She is so beautiful and Chad, she has one of the kindest hearts and you would not only be so proud of her, but you would want to lock her up too.  She has discovered social media and boys.  LOL!  Scooter is a hoot.  He does already have some attitude, but he is so funny and he is giving his mom a fit at times, but both of them are such good kids.  You would be so proud of them both.  They both enjoy hunting (Peanut more than Scooter for sure), but they both got a deer this year.  Peanut loves to use a bow and she is good.  You would so love to just hang out with them and go hunting and fishing.  I just hate you aren't here to enjoy that with them.

Jorden graduated from nursing school and is just gorgeous (although she would never think so herself, she really is).  She is actually living in Charleston, NC right now (well when I started this letter), she has now taken a job with Connie in Georgia right now and deciding what she wants to do and where she wants to live.  I love that she can explore all her options and just enjoy life.  Can you believe that?  I'm so proud that she graduated college and is living on her own and doing so well.  She pays her own bills and is very independent.  I knew she always would be.  You should see how good she was with Granny and how good she was with BoBo.  It's really sweet.  Aunt Paige and Uncle Rodney are doing really well also.  It's been a huge strain with having to care for Granny, but they are handling it really well and now that Granny is no longer trapped in her old body, maybe they can start enjoying life a little more and have more freedom. 

So for your friends.  Well, Across the street Justin has two babies!  He named his first born Bentley Wade after you.  He now has a baby girl named Scarlett and Chad, she has RED hair!  She is so cute.  They both are so adorable. 

Tyler and Desi have two babies.  First a baby Girl named Hudson, and now a baby boy named Walker.  Adorable doesn't come close.  They are so cute and that Hudson is such a cutie, she would have you wrapped around your little finger (for the record, she has Tyler & Clint wrapped).  They are so good to come see us as much as they can.

Clint and Emily now have a new baby and guess what?  They named him William Wade after Clint and you!  Emily said he is named after his daddy and his daddy's best friend.  I just bawled (happy tears).  Chad, he is so stinking cute.  You would love him.  You would love all these littles we have around here now.  We don't get to see them as often as we would like since they are in Iowa, but every time they are in town they make a point to come see us.  Chad, all your friends loved you so much that they have now turned that love towards Tebo and I and make a point to keep us involved with their lives.  We are adoptive grandparents to so many babies and it does my heart so much good.

The Boohers have baby boys!  YES, 2 more Booher boys.  :D  We all tease them about that, but they are so cute and what's even sweeter is that they are both very close like Billy and Bobby are.  They both married really sweet girls.

Talk about a sweet girl, Dylan married a doll.  She is from Italy and she is so pretty, but she is the kind of person that you feel like you have known all your life.  She gave us great suggestions for our trip to Italy and she was absolutely correct.  We are hoping to get to see them more often since he is now stationed in Kentucky (IKR, Kentucky after Italy & Hawaii).
Work has been insane over the past several months and it's been a true struggle for me, but I'm sticking it out until I can retire or maybe do something part time.  Right now that's not in the cards, but we are really close to paying off my car and we are working to pay extra on the house in the hopes that I can sooner than later, but I'm probably still looking at 2 to 4 years. 
We sold our house!  I know!  It definitely wasn't in the plan, but Tebo thought we would just test the market before leaving for vacation and wouldn't you know, it sold in 4 days at full asking price.  I was shocked and then overwhelmed as we were in Europe and had no where to live and had to be moved out in 30 days.  Needless to say, again, Tebo came through and found us a house on an acre of land and we were able to move in the same day we moved out.  I don't know how he does that, but he never ceases to amaze me.  I'm starting to get used to the new house, but I'm still adjusting to say the least.  Yes, you have a room and yes, I put your bat behind the door first thing and put your cereal bowl in the cabinet and your no scent laundry soap in the laundry room.  I promised you I would and I have every time.  Your room isn't quite put together like I want it yet, but I will be working on that over the next few months after the squirrel hunt.  I've not been able to go up and down the stairs with my hip yet so I'm behind my schedule, but I will get it done.
As for everything else, things are pretty good.  Tia moved back in with us to save some money and hopefully buy a house.  Trevor has a roommate and stayed in their apartment.  We don't see him often so we assume that means he is doing well.  Candi and Nathan have Lil Miss and seem very happy.  We would love to see the baby more often, but they are where they need to be.  Tebo's mom is still hanging in there and while her body is wanting to give out on her, her mind is still sharp. 
Saying I miss being able to share all this with you here is an understatement.  I know you are in a far better place than I am, but I hate being on this earth without you.  I love you son and if I am breathing I am missing you.

Momma Bear

My memory same day in 2017 (you were so little)

On 12-1-17 I made our "special" meal (it's still good)

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

A letter to my husband

Babe, when you said "For better or for worse", "In sickness and in health" you probably had no idea that within the first 12 years of our marriage you would have to live up to those vows like you have.
You have not only stood by me through all of that and more, but you have done so with grace, compassion, patience, and mostly with love.
I do not deserve you or the life you have afforded me, but I will try daily to show you my gratitude. 
There aren't many people (thank goodness) that will experience the loss of a child, wife near death more than once with health issues, but you have just in the first 12 years and other trials and successes along with it.
Thank you for being my rock and balancer (literally and figuratively) in life and for loving me unconditionally and showing me that love every day of our marriage.  I just hope that I am as great at showing you how much I love you and appreciate you as you are to me.
Obviously we have no idea what life holds for our future, but whatever it might be I know we will get through it with love and encouragement just as we have thus far.

Thank you, babe.  Know that I love you and appreciate you for everything, but most for making me feel loved and taken care of always.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017


Even though you are gone, I still have to get up every morning. 
I still have to put my feet on the floor and pretend everything is ok.
The world still goes on as "normal".
Work still has to be done.
I still have to care for my family and friends even though my heart breaks with every breath.
People still hurt feelings, laugh, and get mad even though all I can do is think about you and you not being here.
I still have to fake that smile and good attitude at work even though I want to crawl in a hole most days and hide away from everyone.
Parents still age and get sick and need to be cared for.
No matter how broken my heart is, I still have to live life to the best of my ability.  I don't have to like it, but I still have to do it.  :(