Monday, July 10, 2017

Tired Heart


I'm no different than most people I imagine. Sadly I'm not the only mom that has lost her child and certainly not the only person dealing with aging/sick parents or family drama but honestly lately my heart is tired. It's more tired than normal daily stuff. I can't explain it very well with words. I just know it feels tired on top of sad.

There are many days I wish I could take the part of my heart that is remaining and just make it cold and hard, however, I can't seem to do that. There are those who have the ability to do that I just don't happen to be that person but I have to admit there are some days when it feels possible.

I don't know what if anything that can truly change a heart from feeling so tired but if there is something I sure would like to know what that is.
Adding things trivial like disagreements, misunderstandings don't help, but what really makes me crazy is when these things happen and someone is so quick to de-friend or block you on social media.  Really?  I just do not get that.  Turns out it has sadly happened to me on more than one occasion and I decided the time before last if it happens I will not be allowing that person/persons to be granted back.  I don't guess I understand the reasons behind doing that.  What are you solving with that type of behavior?  If it's punishment you are trying to impose on me, it isn't working.  I don't live and die by social media by any means, but if I want to get on there and I see that someone has done that, it just frustrates me as I believe once we are adults we should be able to handle our differences a bit more mature than that, but I guess whatever floats a person's boat.  I just don't have to fall into that trap again and I won't.

Since I obviously don't have answers for any of this I will just keep doing what I've been doing and wait.  All I can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to pray for peace and comfort as well as rest and knowledge or understanding to get me through each day.

A broken heart I can somewhat explain, but a tired heart, I have no words.
Maybe one day I will understand how to deal with this tired heart and maybe even handle it better than I feel I am today, but I can honestly say that today, I am certainly not there yet.



Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Seventh Easter

It's hard to believe this year will be the seventh Easter without you.  I know Easter was never filled with candy for you, but it was always filled with love and family.  As I sit here and reflect on Easter this year there are so many mixed emotions.  First, I'm tired of having special events or holidays or heck, any day without you.  It does NOT get easier or better regardless what people try to tell you.  It's never easy being without you and frankly I wouldn't want it to be.
What has added to my sadness this year is BoBo being in the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, at least he is just in the hospital and still with us and frankly a few weeks ago that didn't seem like it would be the case.  However, he is still sick and may never be the BoBo we had before he got sick.  That really makes me sad.
Another thing that makes me sad this year is how stress, fear, and sadness can shake up a family.  I know when we are scared or facing the unknown it can cause tension and emotions to be very high.  I would love if at those times in our lives that we could rise above and just bond and become closer, but I guess the human nature is drawn a different direction and sadly, that's how it feels parts of our family has gone. 
I love my family and I love having sisters and brothers to lean on and rejoice with when things are good, but honestly it has felt like we have been struggling to pull together.  I'm not sure why unless it is the fact that the rock of our family has been shaken and almost taken from us if this is all our way to cope or what, but it isn't fun to feel so much distance and strife exist among us.
One thing I am certain of is when the chips are down we will definitely pull together and we support each other and it is my hope and prayer that I see this happen sooner than later.  There is just enough sadness in this world and our family has been through far more than it's share of it's own sadness that I feel we deserve a chance to pull together and be as one united front again.  I have to hold out hope that this will indeed happen.
In the meantime, I will continue to do what I can to be a strong daughter, mother, sister, and Ammy until which time we all come together and until I can see you again.  Trust me, the moment we are reunited cannot come soon enough for me.  There are days that I truly ache for that day to come and I will attempt to be as patient as I possibly can for that day, but it doesn't mean it will be easy.
I hope you know that I try daily to be a better person and the best version of myself and I do a lot of that for you.  I fail many times and at times I fail miserably, but I keep trying each and every day.
I will spend Easter with BoBo in the hospital and we will both be missing you terribly, but also know that you will be having a much better Easter than any of us.  I love you sweet boy and you are missed beyond words. 

Your 1st Easter you both slept through the whole hunt at Grandmother's



BoBo in the hospital after his open heart surgery April 2017




Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Feeling Sorry

It's not what you might think.  I'm not sorry for anything.  I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I try not to do this often, but hard as I may try, today is just one of those days when I can't control that feeling.
I dreamed over and over last night that I kept saying, "Chad is coming home!".  The dream had no substance, it was just me saying that over and over to the point that it woke me up.  I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and maybe a touch of anger.  I am really angry inside that I had to lose him, but more sadness comes out than anger (thank goodness).
I see people these days that seem ungrateful or don't take the time to just be with the people they love (or should love) and I think about what I'm missing, my family is missing, and while Chad isn't missing it as he is in the Lord's gloriousness, I have to think if he could he would be missing us.  I'm grateful he can't feel that sadness.
I warned at the start of this blog that I was feeling sorry for myself and that's definitely what I'm doing, I will own it, but I also promise not to allow it to go on.
I think about how Chad grew up.  Trust me, he was not without the things he needed and even a lot of the things he wanted, but he didn't have the privilege of having named brand clothing, the latest in video games, cell phones, etc.  He had to buy every vehicle he had and pay his own insurance as well as pay for his cell phone bill.  Sadly, I just didn't have it to do more or I would have certainly tried.  However, I see this new generation of kids coming up and they have so much technology and some are barely talking well.  I know times have changed, I'm not that na├»ve, but it is really sad to see that relationships are changing due to technology.  Conversations aren't happening in the same way, and it feels like people are disconnected from people and only connected to their electronics.
To add insult to injury while feeling like this and feeling so much frustration, I see these "celebrities" that feel the need to bash our new president before giving him a chance to fail.  They are claiming all these things that "may" happen and yet they are creating division and tension in this country for those that are willing to listen.  Instead of marching or protesting or destroying things and even as far as making threats, how about think about the young men and women still out there fighting for you to have these rights.  How about the families that have lost loved ones in this war that is still going on by the way.   How about these young men and women that come back from war and try to integrate into civilian life and all they see is violence and discord as well as division.  Most of these young men and women are still in their early 20's.  What are we teaching them?  What are we teaching our children about respecting authority and people of position?
It's frustrating all the way around.  I should not have to live out my days without my son.  I do not like seeing all these "entitled" kids float through this world like the world owes them.  I definitely do not like celebrities using their status for their own agenda (stay out of politics) and the division and violence in this world is probably some of the saddest I've seen.  What in the world are we doing in this country?  How are we any different than third world countries with limited law and policies? 
Such a sad state we are in at this time.  I only pray it turns around and regardless who our president is, we should respect his position.  Guess what, there have been a lot of presidents I didn't like, however, I didn't take that and create chaos and build anger in this country.  I gave him (& would give her) a chance to fail before condemning him or her.  Sad, just sad.

When the tables are turned

If we live long enough and our parents live long enough, there will come a day when we have to take on the role as the "parent" if you will.  I can tell you now, that is not an easy role to take on.  Even if your parents had to do that with their parents and knew how hard it was there is a great chance they will not remember that when the tables are turned and they find themselves on that side.
To make matters even harder, you try to maintain that respect relationship of they are your parents, but then they get ugly and sometimes just down right nasty about things and you are fearful that those lines will get blurred. 
I am there now!  Not knowing how much to push and feeling hurt all the time.  It's not a good place to be in. 
I encourage anyone reading this to get your affairs in order and make sure all your wishes are in writing and legal so your children do not have to endure this with you.  It's not a good place for either party for sure.
Tebo and I are taking care of just that this week.  I feel relieved to know we are getting this taken care of.  These are never easy conversations to have, but I would much rather have them now than to wait until things take a turn and then scramble to get things in order.
It's my hope that our kids do not have to go through what myself and some of my siblings are going through today.  It's just hard in a whole different kind of way.

Friday, December 9, 2016

So it's been a while

It's been quite some time since I've written (here).  The main reason is because I typically write when I'm feeling something.  Lately, I'm not sure what I'm feeling or if I'm feeling at all. 
There is no description I can find to describe what is going on with me lately.  I'm just blah... I wouldn't say I'm necessarily more sad than normal since Chad left this earth.  I wouldn't say I'm angry.  I wouldn't say I'm frustrated either.  I'm definitely not as happy as I was when he was here (not sure that will ever be the case again, and that's ok).


There are days that I pray I wouldn't have to get out of bed let alone face the world.  Reporting to work everyday and facing people at work and faking being "okay" takes a toll on my body and mind.  There aren't right words to truly describe that so I will just have to hope that these little attempt at words does the trick.


Christmas is especially difficult for me.  It's not because I was always that mom that went all out decorating and making the house "smell" like Christmas, but it was something I always did for Chad.  He could have cared less about being a part of setting up or decorating the tree, but we did have these silly little traditions that we did and I truly cannot bring myself to attempt even putting up a tree let alone anything else now. 


The last Christmas we "celebrated" was Christmas 2009.  It is a Christmas I will treasure for the rest of my days.  It just turned out that we had all the kids with us that year.  It wasn't because we knew that would be the last Christmas we would spend with Chad, because let's face it, no one expected that.  However, Chad was deploying during 2010 and we knew he would be deployed that year and he was married, Candi & Nathan were married and kids were getting older so I had hoped we could all be together because all the kids started getting pulled in a hundred different directions.  By chance I asked the kids to see if that was something we could pull off.  At first Chad was told he wouldn't get a Christmas leave so with the chance he wouldn't come home, I asked to go see him that December for my birthday.  Of course Tebo being, well, Tebo, he made that happen so off to CA I went over my birthday.  Turned out that last minute the Marine Corps did grant him Christmas leave so he came home and then we were blessed that the kids' moms were absolutely great about letting the kids be with us for Christmas so with Tia driving through snow and Chad and Katie flying in we had all 6 kids with us for Christmas 2009.  I cannot describe how that Christmas was and actually do it justice.  One of my best friends came over and took family pictures for us in the living room and those turned out to mean more to us than we ever thought they would.


We did have some crazy stuff happen outside worried to death with Tia driving in winter weather and not sure she would even make it for Christmas to the oven going out just as we were trying to cook, but the laughter and love that was felt in that house that Christmas is something I will never forget and I do cherish with all that I am.  I loved it then and that was with not knowing what our future held.


Tebo and I had already planned that any time Chad was deployed we would not put up a tree at Christmas.  We felt like if he couldn't celebrate Christmas like that then we wouldn't either.  He was a trooper about that and went right along with my crazy notion.  After Christmas of 2009 we have gotten rid of our trees (except for my "fun" tree that Chad and I had) and decorations.  We have not even truly considered putting up a tree.  That is, until this year.  This year I was so torn for three big reasons.  1, Tia and Trevor will be here (yes they live here, but they aren't going to their mom's until later) and I didn't want them to feel it wasn't like Christmas.  2, we have a granddaughter now and Christmas has always been about the kids for me and I felt guilty even though she is in Amarillo.  3, I feel like I am cheating Tebo out of something.  Although he says he is perfectly fine with it, I still wonder at times if he feels a bit cheated.


There will come a day, I am sure, that I will end up putting up a tree and trying to make the house feel like Christmas again.  It might be when the grandbaby comes for Christmas, I'm just not sure when that time will be.


In the meantime, Tebo and I will continue to do our "new" tradition of trying to travel and take a Christmas trip each year until the time we (ok, I) decide I can "do" Christmas again in the "traditional" way.  Until then I just keep hoping and praying that Tebo, the kids, and our families can understand and not be upset that this is just one of those things I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet.  I'm slowly working on it, but I'm just not there yet.


We don't know if we can pull off our Christmas trip this year or every year for that matter, but we will continue to try until which time being home doesn't feel so sad.  There will always be a sense of sadness associated with Christmas and  the month of December for me, but maybe, just maybe, one day it won't impossible to make the house look and smell like Christmas again.


Monday, September 19, 2016

Families

Family/Families can be a complex creature can't they?  It shouldn't have to be, but if you have a family, then you know it can be and at times I guess they all are.


So, I've had family on my mind a lot more than usual lately for many different reasons, but I've become a bit troubled lately when thinking about my own family.


Like most people know, families will have ups and downs and they will disagree and get along.  That's just part of a family and being human.  However, what really bothers me most is when family members hold grudges or have animosity towards other family members or heaven forbid, intentionally hurt a family member.  That to me is probably the most heartbreaking of all the hurts.


If I were in a room with just my siblings I think I would say something like this:




I love each of you.  I am sure at times I have hurt you in some way, but know it was never an intentional hurt, but for any hurt, I want to apologize.  Also, there are times you have hurt me and I would hope it was not intentional, but regardless, I want you to know, I forgive you.  It is my feeling that we need to learn to have an adult relationship with each other showing respect and consideration for each other and understanding.  We need to do this for our parents who are not getting any younger and I know personally with daddy, it hurts his heart in a huge way to know there is strife between his kids.  Now, to show a little respect and consideration for each other should come naturally, but with life and just being human that isn't always the case.  It's almost like knowing it is a sibling gives the right to treat them however you want, because they are family they have to love you.  That is a very wrong approach in my opinion.  We need to do a better job all the way around to be better to each other so our parents don't have to worry what will happen to us all when they are no longer here.  If you owe one of us an apology (and you know if you do) then I would strongly suggest you do that sooner than later.  If you don't, but you just don't make the effort to reach out (I can be guilty of this as well), then start making an effort.  It doesn't have to be all the time, it just needs to be regular enough that we know the big stuff going on with each other.  I will make a promise to begin doing this myself.  If you have forbid me from reaching out to you, then you make it right and I will begin reaching back. 


Life is short.  Unfortunately, our family has learned this more than once how short it truly can be.  Why would we waste our precious time on earth being at odds with each other (especially family).

Oh, and one more thing.  If you don't know my family, we are a blended family.  In my opinion, we are family regardless how we got to be family.  I don't have step siblings any longer.  I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters and then myself (& one sister passed away).  That's how it is.  That's how I think it should be.  We should all want to have relationships with each other and we should all be good to each other.  Again, it's a respect thing.  Blood is not the only definition of family.  Besides, my siblings and I have been part of each others lives for so long now that the lines get blurred between "bonus" and "blood" to me. 

Like I said earlier, I love all my siblings and it would be my hope that we will build on our adult relationships and learn to truly love each other and have a real relationship with each other with no animosity or jealousy or anger.  We should be proud for each others accomplishments and happiness and if we should disagree about something, and we will, I would hope there would be enough respect to hear each other out and try to understand or at the very least, accept the path the other is on and support each other even if we don't agree.  That's what it is all about to me.  It seems so simple and yet an almost impossible task for some.  That makes me sad, but I'm still hopeful that relationships will be repaired and become closer as we learn to just love and respect each other. 






Wednesday, September 7, 2016

In Case You Didn't Know

Dear son, 

In case you didn't know during your time on this earth I want you to know you were the best thing I've ever done!  You filled my heart so full of love. I don't just mean I loved you with all my heart, I mean you truly filled my heart with a love I never dreamed possible. 
You loved me unconditionally as I did you. I know you can't truly read this, but it does my heart good to sometimes write to you as though you could. When you were small (I'm talking like 2/3 years old) there was a song that played on the radio called "Groovy Kind of Love". We used to sing that song in the car to the top of our lungs singing to each other like we were the only people in the world. Then you would sing Allen Jackson's song "Wanted" with so much conviction like you were old enough to know what the song was all about. I love that about you. 
In case you didn't know, I was one proud Momma Bear!  I was proud of you from day one (yes, even when you didn't sleep at nights). 
You were such a blessing and I pray I showed you how much I love you and proud I have always been of you while you were on this earth. If I didn't I am so very sorry, son. I would have walked in your shoes in Afghanistan on Decenber 1, 2010 in a heartbeat. There is a part of me that feels like I did just that, but if I could have spared your life and let you live your future I would have done that without hesitation. That's a small glimpse of how much I love you. 
Since I can't tell you verbally now and you can't show me how amazing you were going to be past the age of 22 I will tell you now as I imagine it would be. 
I'm so proud of the husband you are and how dedicated and loyal you are. I'm so proud of the police officer you have become and that you continue to sacrifice for others. I'm so proud of the father you are. Of course I'm teasing you saying had I know grandchildren were this wonderful I would have had them first. We would laugh about that and I will continue to tease you that way because I'm the mom and I can do that. I am so proud of the home you have created for your family and I'm so proud that you still make time not only for us but for your grandparents. 
See son, even now I am bursting with pride for the person you are and especially that I get the honor of calling you my son. 
I pray you always knew how much you were loved and how painfully missed you are now. 
Love, momma bear. 

If someone is reading this and you have children, make sure they know how you feel about them and tell them often that you love them.  It's ok to drive them crazy telling them how much you love them and how proud you are, it's your job as a parent to drive them crazy anyway so why not do it with those words. You are never guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), but while we never plan or expect to bury our children, sadly it happens. I never dreamed I would out live mine. Love them with no regrets. I truly feel like I did that I just pray I did a good enough job of showing and telling him while he was still with us on this earth.