Wednesday, August 20, 2014

From the mouth's of babes...

I received the sweetest email today that reminded me that Chad is remembered even with the smallest little hearts.  I would like to quote part of the email that really matters.  Thank you Lindsey for sharing with me a very special moment and for allowing me to use it in this blog.

"I have a couple of things to share with you and I really hope they make you smile and not upset you but I think there to neat to not share with you.
When we bought our house (end of May) and we're moving in Suri asked for her pic. I asked what picture and she said the one of uncle chad, where is it because we have to hang it in my room because he's my angel. This is something she says often but it really got me teary eyed because I love that she still thinks and talks about him constantly.
She has said her normal things, how did it happen and why, he's my angel, I get to go see him on his birthday w daddy every year and bring him balloons and I miss uncle chad.
We'll tonight as we'll laying in bed we say our night prayers. I tell her Suri I'm really glad to hear how thankful you are about everything but you know you can ask God for things. He wants us to ask for healing (she's having bad allergies) and for comfort for other people. That's what he needs us to do. So she asked me what a bomb was. I explained as much as I could and asked what she was thinking about for that to come up (I already knew) and she said uncle chad. See mom I miss him. Mom can God send uncle Chad back here because I really want to see him, I haven't seen him since I was little. I laid there for a minute and tried to compose myself and this was my response.
Suri uncle chad is with us everyday, he sees everything we do and he knows how much we love and miss him but he's got to be a warrior angel for God right now. One day we'll see him again and it will be amazing. She says so he's still my angel right? I answered her with, of course and you can always ask God to tell him hello and thanks for sending a warrior to watch over us. She said yeah mom I know that's why we're safe and ok right? At this point I'm in awe and shock because of how grown up and understanding of everything she is. But here's the best part of it all to me- she ask me Mom did God heal uncle chad, is he ok now and flying around?
I guess this really got to me because here on earth we're broken and I can't even imagine how empty and broken as his mother you are. I look at Suri in amazement of how smart and pure hearted she is. We don't realize that Chad is healed and living a life that we can't even begin to imagine how perfect it is and how amazing and beautiful he is right now. Sometimes I think Suri is way smarter then me. She reminds me that God- even at our darkest hours loves us and knows our pain.
I love listening to her talk about Chad and ask questions about him because it makes me remember more and more about the time we got to spend with him, this in turn makes me smile.
My heart aches for you constantly and as the holidays approach know that we are praying for you and we are always thinking about you and the family. I can't imagine the pain ever getting better really but I can imagine maybe for a spilt second helping out a smile on your face and joy in your heart knowing that even the short time Suri spent w chad, he's still with her everyday."

What a precious conversation and how amazing that she understands at her tender little age things that I even struggle with understanding.  I know Lindsey was worried this would upset me, but honestly, I love to hear things about Chad and love to talk about him and while a little awesomeness tends to puddle up, it's ok.  I would much rather it happen because I read or hear something as precious as this than when I'm just feeling sorry for myself or missing my baby a little more than usual.  

See, children tend to have more faith I think than adult (certainly more than me at times) and they just know how to put things into perspective that if we are all lucky enough we can hear and apply to our own lives.  

I'm touched that her daddy takes her to Chad's resting place here on earth on his birthday and keeps his memory alive with her.  Some parents (probably me included) would actually avoid doing that for fear they wouldn't understand or would make them sad, but in reality, they understand and accept things like this better than most adults.

Thank you Lindsey for sharing Suri's heart with me and giving me yet one more reason to know that Chad is loved and remembered daily.  It fills my heart with so much appreciation and love that it is truly hard to compare.  

I've included a picture of Chad holding Suri at her 1st birthday party.  One thing many people that do not know Chad may not know is that he loved kids and he was great with them.  He just knew how to relate to them and was so kind and ginger with them that I have no doubt that he would have been such a great daddy one day to his kids.  I don't always know how he learned to be so great with kids, but I'm so grateful he did and he used that special gift of his every chance he got.

Chad holding Suri at her 1st birthday party <3

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Calling myself out

I feel like I have to call myself out for not doing what I totally expected my son to do.  From the time the song "I hope you dance" by LeAnn Womack came out, I told Chad I wanted it played at my funeral because it basically said everything I wanted for him and for all my nieces and nephews.  We just always had this understanding that he would be sure that song was played at my funeral.  I never dreamed in a million years that I would be planning and attending his funeral before my own.  As a little background information... When Chad & Katie got married I wondered what song he would pick for the mother/son dance.  I wasn't really even sure if he would actually do it and he certainly wasn't giving me any hints.  Turns out when it was out turn to dance, he chose that song, "I hope you dance", for our song.  It was freaking amazing!  I was shocked and blessed at the same time.  I will never forget that dance as long as I live.
Anyway, the purpose for me wanting that song played at my funeral was to make sure that my son carried on with his life and lived it to the fullest no matter what.  That he lived with no regrets and danced every chance he got.  I have to admit, I find it hard to do any of that without him on this earth.  I don't feel happy, but I have to fake it enough to get through each day.  I don't want to dance when I can and I don't want to feel small when I stand by the ocean.  All I want is Chad back.  I don't feel whole!  My heart aches in a way that shouldn't ache and there are times I'm not sure I can breathe.  I would still hope that had the tables been turned that he would have been able to dance and live the way I always wanted him to do, but I do feel like a hypocrite because I can't do what I expected my little man to do.
I don't know if that makes me selfish for expecting him to do that and I can't or what, but I have felt pretty guilty for that lately.  I don't know why it has taken me 3 years and 8 months to feel this way, but it did and I do.

Now I find myself playing the song "Dancing in the sky" when I go to the cemetery or when I'm just having one of those moments and what struck me today is I still expect him to do in heaven what I expected him to do on this earth had the tables been turned.

I'm not sure what that says about me.  It is very confusing, because all I really want to do is wrap my arms around my son and tell him one more time how much I love him and watch him grown into the man that I know he would be and possibly be a daddy one day, but that isn't going to happen.  Now I find myself hoping he is doing what I can't do.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

A moment this mom will never forget.  Thank you son for loving me so much that you would give me such a memory that I may not have otherwise had.