Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Feeling Sorry

It's not what you might think.  I'm not sorry for anything.  I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I try not to do this often, but hard as I may try, today is just one of those days when I can't control that feeling.
I dreamed over and over last night that I kept saying, "Chad is coming home!".  The dream had no substance, it was just me saying that over and over to the point that it woke me up.  I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and maybe a touch of anger.  I am really angry inside that I had to lose him, but more sadness comes out than anger (thank goodness).
I see people these days that seem ungrateful or don't take the time to just be with the people they love (or should love) and I think about what I'm missing, my family is missing, and while Chad isn't missing it as he is in the Lord's gloriousness, I have to think if he could he would be missing us.  I'm grateful he can't feel that sadness.
I warned at the start of this blog that I was feeling sorry for myself and that's definitely what I'm doing, I will own it, but I also promise not to allow it to go on.
I think about how Chad grew up.  Trust me, he was not without the things he needed and even a lot of the things he wanted, but he didn't have the privilege of having named brand clothing, the latest in video games, cell phones, etc.  He had to buy every vehicle he had and pay his own insurance as well as pay for his cell phone bill.  Sadly, I just didn't have it to do more or I would have certainly tried.  However, I see this new generation of kids coming up and they have so much technology and some are barely talking well.  I know times have changed, I'm not that na├»ve, but it is really sad to see that relationships are changing due to technology.  Conversations aren't happening in the same way, and it feels like people are disconnected from people and only connected to their electronics.
To add insult to injury while feeling like this and feeling so much frustration, I see these "celebrities" that feel the need to bash our new president before giving him a chance to fail.  They are claiming all these things that "may" happen and yet they are creating division and tension in this country for those that are willing to listen.  Instead of marching or protesting or destroying things and even as far as making threats, how about think about the young men and women still out there fighting for you to have these rights.  How about the families that have lost loved ones in this war that is still going on by the way.   How about these young men and women that come back from war and try to integrate into civilian life and all they see is violence and discord as well as division.  Most of these young men and women are still in their early 20's.  What are we teaching them?  What are we teaching our children about respecting authority and people of position?
It's frustrating all the way around.  I should not have to live out my days without my son.  I do not like seeing all these "entitled" kids float through this world like the world owes them.  I definitely do not like celebrities using their status for their own agenda (stay out of politics) and the division and violence in this world is probably some of the saddest I've seen.  What in the world are we doing in this country?  How are we any different than third world countries with limited law and policies? 
Such a sad state we are in at this time.  I only pray it turns around and regardless who our president is, we should respect his position.  Guess what, there have been a lot of presidents I didn't like, however, I didn't take that and create chaos and build anger in this country.  I gave him (& would give her) a chance to fail before condemning him or her.  Sad, just sad.

When the tables are turned

If we live long enough and our parents live long enough, there will come a day when we have to take on the role as the "parent" if you will.  I can tell you now, that is not an easy role to take on.  Even if your parents had to do that with their parents and knew how hard it was there is a great chance they will not remember that when the tables are turned and they find themselves on that side.
To make matters even harder, you try to maintain that respect relationship of they are your parents, but then they get ugly and sometimes just down right nasty about things and you are fearful that those lines will get blurred. 
I am there now!  Not knowing how much to push and feeling hurt all the time.  It's not a good place to be in. 
I encourage anyone reading this to get your affairs in order and make sure all your wishes are in writing and legal so your children do not have to endure this with you.  It's not a good place for either party for sure.
Tebo and I are taking care of just that this week.  I feel relieved to know we are getting this taken care of.  These are never easy conversations to have, but I would much rather have them now than to wait until things take a turn and then scramble to get things in order.
It's my hope that our kids do not have to go through what myself and some of my siblings are going through today.  It's just hard in a whole different kind of way.