Those days

You know those days when it feels like you are the only one in this world hurting?  Well, here goes my pity party.  For many months now I have felt exactly that way.  I know it is selfish and I will own that right now.  I hope I haven't let others know or see that side, but honestly I'm not sure it's possible to feel that way and others not see it in some form or fashion.
I have felt like some people I love with all my heart (not my husband) have put distance between us and that has bothered me to the point that I find myself consumed with that feeling and hurt.  That's on me.  I am one of the worse about keeping certain feelings buried inside and I do struggle (except here) letting my feelings known.  I need to do better at that, but I was like this as long as I have memory, however, I do believe it's been worse since I lost Chad. 
I am definitely a different person since losing him.  I don't think I would say I am a bad person, just different.  I do find that I pull away quicker from people/situations when I feel hurt, angry, or any emotion really.  I don't want to be that way, but it is just how I cope apparently.
I've had several very emotional days lately.  I guess it started before last Friday, but seems it's been worse since then. 
You might wonder why last Friday.  Well, last Friday Tebo and I attend the 7th annual AR Run for the Fallen at Chad's mile marker in Altus, AR.  It is the most amazing tribute to the 144 of Arkansas' fallen heroes.  Mine just happens to be one of the 144.  It breaks my heart even typing that, but that's the truth.
Anyway, I held myself together while we were there and I usually have a little weepy moment while we make the 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive back to N.W. AR, but for the most part I can hold it together.  Well, this weekend was, for whatever reason, an exception to that statement.  I can't justify the crazy it feels when it hit, because it was so trivial that I probably shouldn't even share, but there may be another parent out there that has had the same thing happen and if not, you just get a free laugh at my expense and I'm ok with that.  So here goes.  Saturday I had a list of things I wanted to get done around the house while Tebo and Tia were working in the backyard.  My list was simple, normal cleaning downstairs, catch up on filing and organizing the office, do the floors downstairs and strip the sheets off Chad's bed in the event someone unexpected needed a place to sleep the sheets would be clean.  Ok, so far so good, right.  Well, yes, so far.  Chad's room has really been one of the last rooms we have completely put together since moving into this house.  It had eventually gotten somewhat put together, but not completely.  No, it didn't really matter and it was no big deal, just hadn't been completed.  Well, a dear friend of mine had her mother (and she helped) make me a quilt out of Chad's old baseball uniform t-shirts with TN orange and white on the back.  I had just laid it over his bed (although it really doesn't fit for that).  I had not gotten bedding for his bed yet as we had been using the Murphy Bed, but decided after this move we would not use it as it didn't weather the move very well this time.  We had gotten a platform bed frame and I just did that for the time being.  So I go through the day and get all my list done and had decided while Chad's sheets dried I would go out and help Tebo and Tia.  Once we were done in the yard another friend of ours came by, Tebo had grilled and we were eating dinner.  I went in to get the dried sheets out and started making his bed and as I was laying the quilt on the bed I just fell apart.  I have no idea why, but I could not control it.  The friend of ours came in and yelled from downstairs, bye mom (inside joke) see ya later.  I respond back that I would see him later and I could not control or stop the tears.  I went downstairs to get a glass of wine and was planning to just take a minute when I meet Tebo and the tears flowed even more.   I said I just need a minute, got my glass of wine and went back to Chad's room and just sat in the chair in the quiet.  Once I could finally compose myself I went outside and Tebo asked if I was ok and I said, yes, I just have to get new bedding for his room and get that room pulled together.  Of course without hesitation he said ok.  We did just that the very next day.  We still have a few things to finish it up, but it feels much more put together.  I don't know why that bothered me so badly, but apparently his room needs to be done.  I know he will never see or be in that room, it just didn't seem to matter at that moment. 
there have been a ton of things over the last year that have just been building and compiling in my life as it is in most people's lives.  I'm sure most people handle all these things far better than myself and I can own that.  I just do not know how to stop this vicious cycle. 
the hurt and sadness I feel isn't something that I can fix or will go away where it pertains to Chad, but the others that have put me in this place could make it better in that respect, but what do you do when the other person is so prideful and has a difficult time apologizing?  Nothing!  You just wait for them to finally be in a place to move forward and sadly the "I'm sorry" may never come so you might as well prepare yourself for that.  I have.  What I have a hard time with is the distance and the silence. 
I know you can't fix other people.  I also know I can't control others, I can only control myself and how I react/respond.  However, if the other person never gives me a chance to react or respond I guess that's another way, but that way sucks to be quite frank. 
I will likely do like I always do.  I will eventually feel I can confront this person and give him/her a chance to explain and while I have no expectations of receiving an apology, maybe things can go back to normal.  If not, it won't be the first time (and apparently not the last) that I have had to learn a new normal.