Saturday, May 10, 2014

What's different this Mother's Day?

I don't know why this year has been so difficult.  I don't know what I was expecting.  It's not like I thought it would be easier this year.  I guess I just didn't expect to be this emotional this year for some reason.  This is the 4th Mother's Day without my little man on this earth and my heart feels more broken this year as the previous 3.

I can understand being worse than the 1st year.  That 1st year I was in a fog and maybe I'm still in that fog to a point, but maybe not enough for it to mask some of the pain.  Who knows.

There is no handbook that explains how you handle each year and each holiday or special occasion.  There just aren't any rules.  I wish there were, trust me, but that isn't the case.

There is one thing for certain, there will be moments when you think "I've got this" and then there will be those moments that remind you, "not so much".

I feel incomplete and that's because I am incomplete.  My heart starting beating to a different beat on 5-25-88 when that precious little boy was born.  All the sleepless nights when he just wanted to be up and he would play while I cleaned something (anything) and we would have those moments and then I would suddenly find him asleep wherever he happened to fall asleep and I would catch a little nap on the couch until he woke up again (usually about an hour or so later) and we would do it all over again.  I would give anything to have that back.  If you are a mom and there is no doubt you are short on sleep, remember, one day you will want this back.

The days I would drop him off at school and the teachers would make me leave and I had almost 8 hours before I could pick him up again seemed like forever.  I would take those forevers back again just to know I would see his cute smiling face when I picked him up and get to hear all about his day.  I would fight the little battles over eating and taking a bath and bedtime.  I would take the "socks" again anytime just to have him here.

I truly thought I would get to see what he was like as a daddy and I always knew he would be such a great daddy.  He was so good with kids.  I think what I looked forward to the most was when his child would say they didn't like the seam in their socks or play basketball in the shower (which by the way sounded like he was remodeling the bathroom) or to hear him remind him/her to use soap and shampoo.  Oh, and let's not forget that his baby would have to sleep walk.  It wouldn't be fair it he/she didn't.  I mean, really?  How many parents get a call from their neighbor/friends to say, did you know Chad was over here in the wee hours of the morning.  He should have the honor of experiencing that at least once, right?

I miss him.  That is the most understated comment I have ever said in my entire life.  I miss him in a way that my body aches and it feels like my heart will just stop.  I wonder at times how it could be possible to continue breathing when my heart feels like it does, but for whatever reason, I do.

I pray no other mother or father has to let their child go.  I know that isn't the way the world will be, but if I could pray/ask for one thing, it would be that no parent ever have to feel the pain of the loss of a child.  This pain cannot be explained and trust me, it does NOT heal.  It is there forever and as far as I'm concerned, it should be.  I don't ever want it to get easier to miss my baby boy.  He is my heart and that is the reason my heart beats differently today than it did before 12-1-10.

I miss you son and there is nothing that could ever make that better.  Love, momma bear

Thursday, May 8, 2014


This will be the 4th Mother's Day without my Chadman.  Most won't understand this and that's ok, but yes, Chad still feels and is my son, however, I do not feel like a real mother anymore.  I know, I will always be his mother.  That's true, but it does not change the fact that I don't feel like a mother.

One year for Mother's Day we (ok, well, I) decided I just couldn't "celebrate" Mother's Day so Tebo decided we would have "Tebo's Wife Day".  That was better, but I knew what was happening and after the weekend was over I was left with the feeling that I just didn't feel like a mom anymore.

I've just decided that I can't do Mother's Day for me.  It feels selfish, but I don't even really want to be in church or anything on Mother's Day.  I can't explain it so I won't even try.  I don't want nor do I need sympathy, I guess I just need understanding (the best you can) that I need that day to spend it the best way I can to get through it.

My heart breaks daily, but especially around holidays as most holidays are basically based around our kids.  It's painful.  It's painful in a way that cannot be explained unless you have walked in these exact shoes.

Yes, I am a bonus mom to Tebo's 3 children and our son-in-law and I am more than grateful for that.  I'm also a bonus mom and a bonus Ammy for many kids and their kids and again, I'm grateful for that.  It truly fills a void that is there, but unfortunately, it doesn't fill the void Chad left behind.  That can't and shouldn't be filled.  He was my whole heart and honestly, I never thought once I had him that I would ever live my life one day without him.  I am certain every parent feels that way (it's the "natural" way of life, right?).

Please do not feel sorry for me.  That is not my attempt to get attention or sympathy, it's only an attempt to explain, the only way I know how, why I just can't celebrate Mother's Day.

I love my mothers.  I have 3 amazing mothers and I'm grateful for all 3 of them.  I would give anything to be capable of showing them all the love and respect they all 3 deserve on this special day, but right now I guess I'm still in that selfish mode of grieving that I just can't muster up what it takes to be there for them.  Yes, we sent them something for Mother's Day and we will certainly call them.  I'm not a monster.  I love them all and want them to know I love them.  I just can't bring myself to "celebrate".  Sitting in church and hearing a sermon that talks about children and their mothers just breaks my heart too much and I truly do not have the strength to make it through a service.  I want my son with me or to just have a chance for a phone call Sunday, but that isn't going to happen.  I know that and I understand and will do my best to live with that new reality, but I don't have to like it and I don't have to indulge in the day.

So what are we doing for Mother's Day you might ask.  Well, turns out I'm a bit lucky this year.  Saturday is Tia's birthday and she has plans with her friends that day so we will be celebrating her birthday on Sunday.  I will go to the cemetery that morning and then we will spend the rest of the day celebrating Tia's birthday.  I love the fact that we will be doing that on Mother's Day, because it will keep me busy with something that is happy like her birthday.  We can focus on her and not me and the pain I have in my heart.  I don't want to focus on that, I want to focus on her and her special day and that's what I plan to do.

I don't want this to be a downer, I would rather it be more of an explanation in hopes that it will help you understand when a mom loses a child that Mother's Day takes on a completely different meaning and there are a lot of emotions that come flowing through and some not so nice or easy to take.  Why go there?  I would rather just focus on Tia and leave me and my heart completely out of that day.

I hope this makes sense and if it doesn't, I apologize.  I would like to say Happy Mother's Day to all mothers that might be reading this and it's my hope and prayer that if you don't see your child on your special day that you at least get a phone call or a text message if they are capable of reaching out to you.

In many ways I feel like I might have it a bit better than those moms that might not hear from their kid(s) on Mother's Day.  What, you might ask.  Well, think about it.  If my son was here and I didn't hear from him at all on Mother's Day, I would be broken hearted in a much different way.  For me, I know I can't hear from Chad so I won't be expecting it or disappointed.  My heart breaks for those moms that have their child on this earth and don't hear from their children more than it breaks for myself.

This small portion of this blog goes out to all children that having living moms.  If your mom is on this earth please make sure she knows you love her on Mother's Day (everyday, but especially on Mother's Day).  If you can't physically be with her make sure you call her and let her hear your voice.  Hearing your voice will be more of a gift than flowers or cards or anything else you could give her.  If she can't wrap her arms around you then at least let her hear your voice.  She deserves at least that.