The Happy Chad

It's not uncommon for random things to come up and take my breath away for a moment.  It could be a song or something someone says or even something I say that he used to say for me to be taken back from time to time.  Sometimes my response is laughter and others it could be a torrential down pouring of tears.


Well, our Sushi place is apparently no exception to this experience.  We were there a couple of Fridays ago and we were at our normal spot and enjoying dinner with our Sushi chef, Mandy.  She created a new roll called "The Happy Chad"!  What are the odds?  As soon as we heard the name I immediately broke down and cried.  I have no idea why, it was absolutely something that came over me and I could not shake it.  I cried all the way home and then cried myself to sleep that night. 
Tebo mentioned that he felt I may have a degree of depression.  I don't feel depressed.  I feel sadness, but I do not feel depressed.  Maybe I don't know depression or I expect it to feel a different way.  Either way it hit me like a tidal wave.


Maybe one day in the future those situations won't take me to that point, but for now that seems to be the norm.


I can see a young man in a military uniform and I am compelled to speak to him and have to fight the urge to hug him every time.  It's just something that takes me right back.


I was referring to Chad and Nanaw this morning on the phone with daddy and we were laughing because we were all the in car together and Nanaw climbed into the truck with us and Chad commented on how easy she got in and she immediately came back with, "well it's because I'm so agile".  Chad loved that response and it stuck with him for many years after that.  He would use that many times after that when he was talking to her.  It's those little memories that pop up out of no where that will sometimes just take my breath away and other times I just laugh and enjoy the memory.


Our hearts and minds are so complex.  I wish I could just stick with one emotion at times, but is apparent that I am incapable of doing that. 


I sure miss that young man of mine and some days it's more than I can take, but turns out I don't have a choice and I will continue to remember all the little things along with the big ones and laugh when I can and cry when I can't control it.