One Mom's Journey: Aching Heart

I have so much sadness in my heart and weighing on my mind lately. Adding that new sadness on top of the constant sadness of not having my only son on this earth feels like it has magnified the current sadness and heaviness in my heart and mind.

Our family has been through a lot this past few years with aging parents and illness and the loss of our mother to complications of Alzheimer's, but even more than that there feels like tension, strife, and distance between our siblings. That breaks my heart. To make it even a bit worse is I'm not really sure what got us to this point and defiiately know I have no idea how to fix it or make it better so we can get past this.

I truly try and feel in my heart that I want to do the best things for everyone in met family and especially with my siblings and I'm unable to do that now. Being the oldest of us kids I have always felt it was my responsibility to make sure everything stays cool between us all and I try to be the one to keep the peace and right now I find myself not only not in peace, but it seems like I can say nothing or do anything right. I don't say that to feel sorry for myself, because I don't feel sorry for myself. I just simply feel sad.

Sisters are supposed to be your first and longest best friend and I feel for the most part of my life I have been fortunately enough to have that relationship with them. Yes, some of us were closer than others, but I have always known (and would still do it today) that regardless what may be going on at the time I would drop everything to be there for them should any of them need something.

It's harder and unfortunate that distance makes it more difficult to do that on a regular basis and oh yeah, there is that little thing called a full time job that gets in the way, but there is nothing I wouldn't do for any of them if they ask.

What I miss more is having just silly conversations or serious ones about kids and daily stuff or if one is frustration is taking place in their life that they would call and vent to me and we could just cuss and discuss it and hopefully they as well as myself would feel better before we hung up the phone. I'm not having that right now and I truly do not know how to make it go back to the way it was.

Sadly I'm worried it will take another tragedy to pull us together again and that is heartbreaking. It's my hope and prayer that it doesn't come to that and things can go back to the way they were, but right now today, I don't feel very hopeful.

There are many days in my life since Chad left this earth that I just feel I need to just lean on them and cry and vent how I feel and right now I don't feel like I can do that so instead I do my floors and clean house and just stay to myself as much as I can so that I don't do or say anything that would make our relationship(s) worse.

I am certain that eventually this will all change and we will find our ways back together and be close again, but the wait is taking a true toll on me right now. Maybe it's the extra stress at work and sadness from losing mom and knowing daddy isn't improving and worried about what my end up happening with him, but honestly, as much as I know are expected to bury our parents, it doesn't make it easy, but it makes me much harder when you feel there is distance between sisters who should really be best friends and just there for each other even if there are disagreements.

I know this too shall pass, but WOW it's not easy trying to manage through it until that happens.

If you are reading this I would appreciate prayers. That's the last resort I have at this point.

I certainly miss this closeness more than words will ever be able to express and maybe I will get the chance to say that and maybe things will go back to the way it was, but apparently it's not there for all of us yet.