Thursday, October 30, 2014

When we let others disappoint us

I have had yet another hard lesson learned on allowing myself to give someone yet another chance to do the right thing and then finding myself disappointed when they let me down again
This person, who will remain nameless, has always been a very important person in my life (or so I thought).  I have loved this person unconditionally and many times this person was not lovable, but without fail, I loved and trusted and believed in this person.
Well, once again, this person has proven unworthy of my trust and unconditional love.  Now what makes it a bit harder is I know the Lord commands us to love one another and have forgiveness so I am struggling with that piece of it, but I'm trusting the Lord will help me get through that part, and he will.
There are several things wrong with this person and the things this person does to others, family, and unsuspecting future people who will be taken by this person.  One is the fact that this person uses people.  I don't mean like some of us can do when we may use the relationships we have with others to help us get a leg up or get our foot in the door, typically the person helping you do that is aware.  The kind of using this person does is the hurtful kind.  This person makes you feel like you are the most important person in their life and there would be nothing this person wouldn't do for you, but the moment you either don't give this person what they need or want or heaven forbid you do something that this person perceives as against them, you will be cut out of that person's life like you never existed.  I know, this sounds harsh and you may be wondering, how could I talk about someone I said I loved so much like this.  Well, when this has been done to you by this person so many times you lose count, it seems quite easy to say these things and also, because these things are true.
Don't get me wrong, I still don't want anything terrible to happen to this person.  There is a piece of me that will always love this person, but there comes a time in every one's life I guess when we realize that sometimes you just have to know when to walk away and for me, that time is now.
I have been there for this person when some people wouldn't have been.  I believed in this person when few people did and just to find out that this person was once again using me for their own gain and would lie and throw not only myself, but others close to them under a bus yet again, for me, was the last straw.  Now, I would never give this person the satisfaction of stealing what happiness I have in my life or consume anymore of my mind or heart with bitterness or hate.  That person would win if I allowed that to happen.  Instead, I will love this person in my own way and stay away and there is certainly one thing that will never happen again and this I believe I can say with complete confidence this time...  I will not be used again and I will not allow this person to suck me back into their depths of deceit nor will I let this person consume my life again.  I do good enough just to get through a normal day at times, I certainly do not need someone dragging me through their poisonous life and injecting that poison into my life.  Life is too hard on a "normal" day without adding that kind of toxic behavior.  No thank you...
That saddest part of all this is that there are some people that I love and care deeply for that will have no choice, but to stay in the poisonous web of this person.  They don't have the privilege of just walking away like I do.  Don't let me make it sound too simple to walk away, because this has not been an easy decision for me.  Instead, it has been necessary.  These are two entirely different scenarios.  You just have to know when it's time to walk away from a situation that will never change and right now, I truly do not see any way this situation will change.  I know God is more powerful than our will and desires, but I also know that you have to recognize that and want his help and truthfully, through everything I have walked through with this person, if it's not there now, I struggle to believe it ever will be.  That makes me sad, but for once in my life, it doesn't make me feel the need to fix or help fix this person or this person's life.  I feel I've done all I can do for this person and the only thing I'm willing to do now is continue to pray for this person (and I will) and love this person in my own way, but with no contact.  There are going to be times in my life when I will be forced to be face to face with this person (that part is for certain), when that time comes, I will deal with it as gracious as I can, but I won't worry about that now.
If you have toxic people in your life (family or friend(s)) I would encourage you to re-examine that relationship and if it isn't a healthy one for you, you should consider how you should handle that relationship moving forward.  If it is bringing your down or causing strife in your life then there is a good chance it would be in your best interest to have a different (or distant) kind of relationship with that person. 
I know I will miss this person (the person itself, not the behavior), but I also know when I've given all I can give and honestly, I have nothing more to give this person.  This person has taken far too much and while this person continues to take from other people, I have to remember that I cannot control that, I can only control what I allow in my life.  And that is all any of us can truly control.   

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

"You Save Me"

I was given a tremendous honor by one of Chad's Marine buddies today.  He sent me a text saying that Kenny Chesney's song "You Save Me" reminded him of me.  I wasn't sure I knew the song, but after listening to it today I realized I had heard it before, but I never listened to the words like I did today.  WOW!  That's about all I can say about the words in that song after he said that to me. 
What these guys and Chad's high school buddies don't know is, it is them who Save Me daily.  If you get the chance to listen to this song, and I mean really listen to the words
I don't consider anything I say to these young men and women as being a help to them, because it helps me more than I ever considered it helping them, but to think any of them think of me like this puts things in a completely different perspective.
I feel like I need to be saved on a daily basis and honestly, there is barely a day and certainly never a week that I don't hear from one of his buddies whether they be from school or the Marine Corps.  I can only hope and pray that any mother that has lost a child can have the support and love from so many young people like I do.  I am truly blessed in that way far above anything I deserve.
I love each and every one of these young men and woman who continually touch my heart and I'm blessed to have them in my life each and every day and for always.
Thank you guys.  You all save me every day and for that I will forever be grateful.

Our Mountain Dew Gang

Love these boys

Some of the "Nuts"

My boys

Love them

God Bless these young men

What an honor shown at both Tyler & Desi and Clint & Emily's weddings

Honoring their buddy

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Oh this headache and heartache :(

We are creeping up on 4 years since Chad left this earthly world and I would like to say (I think) that it is getting easier.  However, I would be telling a lie if I said that.  If I'm breathing I am missing him.  This time of year is a bit harder to breath as my niece that I loved so much and spent so much time with passed away October 10, 1996.  It was a terribly sad and devastating time for our family and non more than my sister, her mother.  I knew how she hurt, but you never have the full impact until you find yourself in the unfortunate position to know first hand the loss of a child. 

A friend of mine once said "You never know how strong you are until that is all you have".  I'm still waiting to feel strong.  I feel very weak most days and yes, I can fake it with the best of them during work and in settings when it wouldn't be appropriate to show that kind of emotion, but it doesn't mean on the inside things aren't churning like crazy, because they are.

As these anniversary dates approach it drives home even more that we as a family are facing the aging of our parents.  Talk about a whole other journey.  There are so many thoughts that run through the mind and an unsettled feeling in your spirit because you know there are so many things that haven't been solved for yet.  It makes it difficult to think of having any kind of peace when that dreadful day comes. 

I know I am blessed with 3 sets of parents.  I have my biological parents and my bonus parents (to also include my mother-in-law) and then it feels like a curse at times too when you think about having to watch their health decline and families start worrying and trying to do what is best for our parents and make sure their final wishes are carried out.  It truly is as hard as people say it is.  Roles do reverse and you find yourself planning the role of parent to your own parents and that in and of itself is a very tight rope you have to walk, because you never want to embarrass them or make them feel worse than they do or heaven forbid, you make them feel like a burden and not needed any longer.  So far, we as a family, have been very lucky that we haven't made our parents (any of them) feel this way (at least I pray we haven't).  But talk about a very sensitive road to travel at this point and moving forward.

No one likes to think of their parents getting older and needing assistance and our parents certainly don't like the idea of being dependent on their children, but that is the way the circle of life is and it is how the Lord intended.  They were to bring us up so that we would become productive and self-sufficient adults and prepared to care for them when that time comes.

That times feels as though it has certainly come for us.  We have ailing parents and they are aging and while they do amazing for the most part any time they have a set back, which we have had recently, it really drives home the points that we need to make arrangements and have the hard conversations now while they can still decide for themselves.

My heart goes out to all who have to care for aging parents and even more if they are not in great health.  It's expensive, heartbreaking, time consuming, and very hard on the parents' egos when they are faced with this stage in life.

I don't have all the answers or even many of the answers, but I'm trying to educate myself and then pass along any information I have with my siblings.  I have made mistakes and will probably continue to make them as we embark on this new journey yet again.  My mind continuously spins with thoughts of Chad, my siblings, my parents (all of them), my husband, my bonus kids, my nieces and nephews, and just all my family.  I wish I could do for them all and be with them all and help them live the best and happiest life they can, but I can't.  They (would really love to meet they one day) say it takes a village to raise your children (figuratively obviously), but I think it also takes a "village" to care for your aging parents.  Daddy always says the "Golden Years" is a crock of ****.  He even said you have to be pretty rich to even get old with the cost of medication and all the medical bills you end up incurring.  I think he may be right.  However, I also reminded him that I try to keep going backwards, but everyone wants to continue reminding me of my "real" age so I apparently don't stand a chance with avoiding the "A" word.  Ugh!

If you haven't called or seen your parents in a while, do.  You just never know what tomorrow brings and if you are fortunate enough to have them close and see them regularly, have those hard talks with them before it's too late.  No one wants try and figure what they would have wanted after they are gone when a simple conversation before would have kept that from happening.  You need to have your time to grieve, not worry about how to handle the logistics of laying them to rest.

To clarify, our parents (all of them) are ok at this point, but there have been enough scares recently to make us all start thinking and realizing that putting things like this off much longer could find us scrambling to figure it out when it is too late and that isn't fair to anyone.

If you are having trouble speaking to your parents about these matters I was told the perfect sentence this week.  This is their last chance to have a say about their life.  How perfect is that.  So encourage them to have a say in their life and assure them that you will go above and beyond to make sure those wishes are carried out as they have requested. 

Love on your family every chance you can and often.  None of us are promised tomorrow.  

Our family.  All the siblings were there from the Croft side 2014

Baby Chad... Miss him only when I breathe

Chad & Jessica together here and together now...  Both missed beyond mortal words. <3