Thirty?

It's so hard for me to believe you would have been thirty years old this year.  I know I still have almost a full month for that date, but it's been on my mind since January.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wonder what you would be doing now.  Would you have any babies?  Would you be the police officer you always wanted to be?  Would you live close enough for me to see you any time I wanted to or you needed me?  All those and many more questions run through my mind only when I'm breathing.


It's still very difficult for me to fathom the fact that you are not here.  I swear there are days I feel like I have to force myself to know how to take the first step of the day or face this world.  It seems like every day is a true effort.


Yes, I still feel very guilty when I laugh or am enjoying a moment.  I still find myself wanting to tell you something going on and to let you know how BoBo is doing or Peanut, Scooter, and Jorden are doing.  I want so badly to tell you any time one of your buddies gets married or has a baby so you can be excited right along with me.  Just getting a call to let me know how your day has been going feels so sad and that hasn't changed.


I'm doing better if the door bell rings, but I still hate it.  I pause every time I open the kitchen cabinet with your baseball helmet cereal bowl is sitting there or when I walk into your room and just see little things that I know you love so much.  That's also my quiet place at home when I feel I need to just sit in the quiet.  I know it sounds odd, but that is what it is for me right now.


I still struggle knowing it has been almost 7 1/2 years since you left this earth.  There are days it feels like yesterday and then there are days that it feels like forever since I've seen or talked to you.  It breaks my heart both way and every time I think about it.  I will never get over that feeling of utter sadness missing you.


I love you son more than words could ever express and I always will.  I will also always miss you and long for you to be with me again.  I feel this way especially the days I am not sure I can put one foot in front of the other. 


Love.,


Your momma bear