I am an idiot!

I rarely get on social media anymore. No real reason other than I am on a computer all day and the last thing I wanted to do is look at my phone or computer after work. It's my "down" time. However, for whatever reason, today, I decided to check on some of Chad's buddies and see if there was anything new going on with them since Christmas. I came across the Wall Street Journal atricle done on the guys after Chad passed away on patrol. I had read the actual article years before, but I guess I was still in enough of a fog at the time I read it that I had not remembered a lot of details. Well, sadly, today I was reminded. I feel sick. I can't stop the tears and I just want to protect my son. I am so heartbroken and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I love my son with all my heart and everyday without him is hard. Some people may say, well, it's been 10 years now, are you not any better? NO! I am and never will be any better. I just learn better ways to cope with each day, but I will never be any better. I ache on the inside and literally there are days that I swear my heart is physically breaking. I don't know why the Lord continues to keep me on this earth, but so far he seems to have a reason. I would really like to ask him what my purpose is supposed to be, but I know I'm not really supposed to question him. I've said from the begining that I believed God saved Chad from a far worse faite. I do believe that, but it doesn't make the pain any easier to handle. It's still just as fresh today as it was that Wednesday, December 1, 2010. This has been a hard year. It was 10 years, we lost daddy and we as a world have been dealing with COVID 19. I didn't get "my time" on the first like I typically like to do and in some ways I did feel cheated (in a very selfish way), but I made it through it, but I can tell you, I am not okay. I'm hurting and there is nothing I know I can do to help or fix that. I lost my only child and we were so close and I miss him. I have a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. NEVER! My heart aches for his Marine buddies and his high school friends as I know they are hurting as well. I will never be okay and nothing or no one will ever be able to fill that hole. I just know I have to get up every day and do the best job I can and live the best life I can live and let me tell you, that is very hard and much harder to do than to type. I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and you had to suffer. I'm sorry for the loss all your friends feel. I'm sorry this entire life changing event has changed who I am at the core. However, I love you enough that I will do what it takes for me to see you again. There are days that, that cannot come fast enough, but until it's my time, I will love you and miss you and try to live the best life I can with most of my heart missing. Love, Momma Bear...