New Place

This is another song that is pretty perfect about how I feel. It's by Carly Pearce and it's called "Show me Around". I personally hate that you got a new place, but I can't control or change that. I do wish heaven at least had visiting hours, but let's face it, if it did, would any of us really leave once we came to visit? I'm certain I would not. Oh, Chadman. I just don't know what to do with my feelings this week. I feel like I am drowning like I mentioned in an earlier blog this week. I cannot control my emotions this week. I've dreamed about you all week. I can't really remember all the dreams, but it is the first time I haven't just had visions of the "incident" and I am truly grateful for that. One of my dreams (I have this one a lot) I'm trying to pack you and not only could I not find your things, but I didn't know where I was. That could definitely be due to the fact that we just moved to this new apartment and I'm still adjusting, but when I do dream of packing for you I can never find your things and I often wonder if that is due to the fact that Katie never gave me any of your things like I had hoped. Who really knows and I likely never will and I'm starting to be okay with that, but I assume that's why I dream that dream all the time. I know it's silly, but it just is what it is I guess. We did receive a precious gift of our 2nd granddaghter, Kati Belle, today. It's always a very conflicting feeling to feel that kind of happiness and still feel so much saddness for you. It's a very odd feeling to have and very difficult to hide when you never want anyone else to know what you are feeling on the inside as I would NEVER wany anyone to know what I was fighting deep down inside. I would never want to make anyone feel bad or awkward due to my feelings, ever. It's also been hard because Shuck's son's 3rd anniversary of his passing is today and to have the birth of a life and the anniversary of a life lost on the same day is so difficult. I'm not telling her about kati until tomorrow as it woudl break her already broken heart even more and I will never be the person to do that to her. I love her too much for that. Chadman, I don't really know even after almost 10 1/2 years how to navigate this "new normal" life I'm left with, but I'm trying. I know one week out of many to just feel broken is supposed to be okay, but I really hate when I feel completely out of control of my emotions. That's just not who I am. I know I don't have to tell you, but I do have to get it out of my head. I will tell you what I think will help this funk I find myself in. We are going to make a quick trip to Greenville, SC to Jorden's to finally get to meet Cohen and I cannot tell you how excited I am. I might even end up crying when I get my hands on him and that will not make me very happy, but I also know I may not be able to help myself. I've been dying to see him since the moment he was born November 17, 2020, but with COVID and then my freaking fall I haven't been able to go, but thank you to Tebo he worked it out for us to make a quick trip down and then we are going to join them and aunt Paige and uncle Rodney in Charleston for Jorden and Caleb's birthdays the end of June and then we are going to stick around a few more days just to have a mini vacation from work. We can't wait. We have never had a vacation like this and we are over the moon about it. Chadman, I know you are in a better place and I know you are with our loved ones that went before and you are with Billy Booher, but I miss you. I need you. My heart has a hole that will never be filled and there are some days I don't know how to take that step forward, but I'm continuing to try. I love you and even though I know I will never be the person I was before you left this earth, just know that I am doing my best and I am trying, but there are going to be moments (some times days or weeks) that I don't do great, but I am trying. Love, Momma Bear.