It's not really your fault

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way at times. Well, I might be, but I would be surprised if I am. Well, I'm going to write this as if I am not the only one, but I am going to write this about me at this particulart time. It's not like this is the first time I have felt this way, but this time it is a bit over whelming for the simple fact that I can't really control it right now and that in and of itself is driving me more crazy and most likely not helping my situation at all. So let me explain. If you have been reading my blogs you are fully aware that I am struggling to recover from a stupid fall that resulted in a fractured tailbone and even worse a severe head trauma that resulted in a severe concussion. That's been the worse part of this fall. So the real reason for this post is that I feel like I am failing at so much. I feel I am failing at being a wife, a mom, a friend, an aunt, basically you name it and I feel like I'm failing at it right now. I know it's not really my fault, but it feels like it is my fault. On top of the side effects of this concussion I am having a terribly sad day for some reason. I shouldn't be having a sad day really, because last night my husband did such a wonderful thing for me. He booked us a quick weekend trip to fly us down to finally meet my great nephew and Chad's name sake and I will get to love on that little nugget and see my niece, my sister, bother and finally meet Caleb, but I cannot stop the tears today. There are several things that have my heart sad today. One, I miss my son. My heart literally hurts. It's a painful hurt, not just "saying it's a heartache". No, it's a physical pain. Feeling like a failure at anything is very hard for me, but being a failure to my husband who does so much for me breaks my heart and for whatever reason I feel like I am failing him in so many ways. I can't name those ways, I just feel like I am failing him. I don't feel like I am 100% for work as I am having to work so much harder to concentrate and when a migraine hits I have no choice, but to step away from the computer and rest my eyes and then I feel like I am letting them down. My best friend is going through some stuff with her daughter and I'm not there for her like I normally would be, but I either forget to call or reach out or I am fighting a migraine or fatigue and I don't reach out. I'm tired of feeling like I do. I am really sick of the confusion and memory loss. I'm tired of not being 100% of myself and being able to do my normal stuff. A fall in the bathroom should not rob me of this much time and I'm just so over it. It doesn't help that May is approaching so quickly and I wanted to feel more like myself before that happened. Getting to finally meet my little Cohen Wade is going to help tremendously and I could not be more grateful, but I'm also a little scared that Jorden will be scared for me to hold him or care for him if I don't improve. I know my sister will have my back and Tebo too, but I want to be good enough that I don't need them to do that. I am a little scared to fly feeling like I do right now. I'm worried I will get lost or get overwhelmed caused I don't feel like my brain is working right, but I also know Tebo will take good care of me. I do worry that at some point that he will get really sick and tired of taking care of me and then what. I know it's just my scrambled eggs for a brain right now playing tricks on me, but lately I've been terrified that he is going to get so sick of it that he will find a healthy and smart more self sufficient woman to run to. He might not technicall/physically leave me because he is too good of a man for that. I also don't believe he would ever cheat on me, but at this point I wouldn't blame him if he did. I'm not attractive with the weight I've lost due to medication and just not feeling well and honestly I feel like such an idiot with not being able to carry on decent conversations or keep my track of thoughts and my fatigue, I know it has to be getting old for him if it isn't already. I would totally understand. I would be devistated, but I would understand. He deserves better than this. He has already been through so much with me. He has been through far more than anyone man should have to go through when they sign up for better or for worse. He has had to watch me lose my son (only child), both my parents, my grandmother, by Bestie, two sisters go through breast cancer and treatment. He has to watch me struggle for years with stomach issues to include a year a nothing but a liquid diet and I will spare you the groosome details, but he had to see and do things no husband should have to do for their wife, but he did it for two years without complaint and then my stomach surgery. Now if all that wasn't enough, we have this fall and the reprocussions of that. To say I'm ready to just give up and throw my hands up would be an understatment and to say that my fears every single day over the last month of what must be going through his mind (likely all in my head) are taking over would also be an understatment and if you know me for less than 5 minutes you would know I will not verbalize these feelings or thoughts until I give it considerable thought and that could take years if it ever happens at all. All in all I know it isn't my fault just as it wouldn't be for you or anyone else. Stuff in life just happens. Having a sad day on top of all this certainly doesn't help, but writing it down and getting it out of my head hopefully will. Hopefully.