Deep breath

I tell myself on a daily basis and sometimes multiple times a day to take a deep breath and that it will all be okay. However, will it? Will it be okay? There are many days that I truly wonder if I am really just lying to myself or living in this fantasy world and thinking if I tell myself that enough it will just come to be. If I were to be honest with myself, I don't think it will be okay. I don't think taking a deep breath with ever make things okay again. I know my heart will never be whole again, that I know for sure. I know I will never feel the kind of joy that I would love to feel again. I mean, how can there be that kind of joy when there is the kind of hole in my heart like there is? I don't believe it is possible. Are there patches that can be placed over parts of that hole, sure. I have some patches that have little names attached to them. Those patches are wonderful and that make me happy and they do fill a void. They don't fill that entire hole and sadly they never will, but they do help get me through some of those hard days. They don't help with the hardest days, but they do help on hard days. Today happens to be one of those days that I wish I could just crawl in a hole and disappear. There is no real reason why (does it need to be?), I don't think so. Nothing specific has happened today or even over the weekend. Nothing has trigger this feeling that I am aware of. I don't think it always has to have a trigger. I think there are just days that happen to be days that just suck. There is no "nice" or "polite" way to say it. It is just a real sucky day and I feel sad. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I really don't want to cry, because I already have a headache that I've had since January 21st so I don't need more of that. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that today is just a sucky day and it's just because that's what it is and maybe tomorrow will better and maybe it won't be, but either way I will figure out a way to get through it and figure out how to face the next one.