Waves

There is a country song by Chris Young called "Drowning" that could not describe how I feel any better. I won't say everyday I feel like I am drowning, but everyday is a day of waves of emotions. Today, however, I happen to feel like I am drowning. It's really been this way all week and I have no one reason I can actually "blame" it on. It just seems to have happened this week. There is no anniversary, not trigger that is happening. It's just one of those days/weeks that I feel overwhelmed with emotions. I can't stop the tears whether they be pushed inside or start flowing outwardly. Thank you Jesus that I am still able to work from home. I'm not sure what I would be doing right now should I have to be at the office feeling the way I do this week. I've had to deal with that before and it is tough. I mange through it, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I cannot even explain the kind of exhaustion that kind of tired is. Unless you have walked in my shoes and lost a child (I pray if you are reading this you have never had to experience this) then you can't really know this kind of exhaustion, but it is draining. It sounds odd I'm sure to say I feel like I am drowning when I'm not even in water, but oddly enough, I am in water. I am in a sea of tears whether you can see them or not, they are there. They are always there. I'm constantly crying. Most days I'm just really good at keeping them on the inside. Today, well really all week, I've not been as good at keeping them inside. I feel like I am taking everything very personally and I feel like such a failure as a wife, sister, friend, heck basically you name it and I feel like I'm feeling like a failure at it. I guess that's what drowning must feel like. You feel helpless and you can't even help yourself so how could you possibly help anyone else. Yep, that's where I am. I know (well, hell, I hope) it's fleeting (for now). The problem with it being fleeting is that I know it will rear it's ugly head again, it's just, when? That's the part that can be scary. You never know when it will hit again and sadly I don't know how long this one will take to snap out of it. This one is taking a longer time than it has in a very long time and that alone is a bit scary. Yes, I could explain it away with all that is going on with me and in my life lately, but those are excuses. I'm bigger/stronger than that, but nope, not this week for whatever reason. So there you have it. I'm having a drowning week. I pray it's just this week, but who the hell knows.