Three Thousand Seven Hundred Eighty Four Days

WOW! I cannot believe today marks three thousand seven hundred eighty four days since the day you left this earth. I also cannot believe we are only 40 days before the day you would have turned thirty three years old. I wonder every day what you would be doing and if you would have children. I imagine (since that's really all I can do) that you would be a police officer (hopefully right here in Northwest Arkansas) and have at least one baby (so I could babysit) and most importantly that you are happy and healthy. That's what I imagine every moment that I am coherent. I guess I will do this until the good Lord decides to take me to heaven to join you, but until then this is what I have. Today has been odd. I can't tell you why. Nothing specifically bad has happened. I'm not healing as quickly as I want to be for one, but that shouldn't be it. Work is still stressful and frustrating, but again, that shouldn't be it. I just woke up and for some reason was missing you even more than normal (if that could even be possible). I've been weepy all day long. I'm so freaking grateful that I'm still working from home when I have days like this, but dear Jesus they are talking about possibly bringing us all back into the office and I am not looking forward to that at all. It makes days like this so much more stressful and hard to manage, but honestly I won't have a choice. Once they make that decision I have to go. I will just have to make the best of it, but I don't have to like it. Chad, I have to tell you, I'm trying. I'm trying everyday to keep going and not be a "Debbie Downer", but I have to tell you, there are days that it is much easier to say (or type) than it is to do. Missing you is really just stupid to say (or type), because that doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. It actually makes me mad at myself to even say that, because missing you is not an accurate description. I don't know what it truly accurate. I long for you. I long to see your face, kiss your forehead, see that crooked grin, see that crazy position you sleep in, in "your" chair and hear that quick witted sense of humor. I long for it all. I did make some decisions lately that I have been giving a lot of thought to for several years and once Bobo passed (give him a hug for me by the way), I started making plans to put those thoughts into action. I knew it was somewhat silly to keep certain things of yours to myself and once Tebo and I sold the last house I knew it would be even more silly to just keep storing these items and once we get in our final house we wouldn't have a ton of space so I knew it was time. Besides, I would rather those I love and I knew you loved and would love (Cohen) enjoy these things rather than they just be in a closet for years and years and me not have a chance to see how much they would enjoy them. So here is what I've done or will be doing very soon (I hope). Peanut got your Bow (I knew you would want her to have it). Scooter got your hunting clothes (believe it or not they all fit him perfectly (made me believe the timing was just right, thank you son), your tackle box, Bobo's medals/flag (as he requested). Stacy got some quilts and blankets that people I didn't even know had made and sent to us (I know you could care less, but I would have told you anyway, ha). Cohen is getting your old electric guitar, amp, and your Fender guitar strap as well as your signed Dallas Cowboy ball cap signed by Jay Novacek and your Dallas Cowboy bandana (as soon as I figure out how to get it to him, LOL). I think one day he will love it and I think today Jorden and Caleb will love it. I know your guitar needs some strings and if I don't get them done before I get it to him I know Jorden and Caleb will get it done for him one day. Those are the big things. I haven't been able to part with your cereal bowl yet, but I'm sure one day I will and maybe I never will. It's just been one of those days today for some reason and while I know those days happen, it doesn't mean it makes any easier just because it's been three thousand seven hundred eighty four days. The feeling is the same as the first second I heard the news. I love you son. I cannot wait until we are reunited and I get that momma bear hug from you and I get to kiss your forehead. Until then I will continue to kiss the top of your headstone and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. Love, Momma Bear.