When feelings have a color

When I can decribe my feelings with a color today, it would be blue. On the outside I look like I always do, but on the inside the tears are flowing. I'm so grateful that I am currently still working from home just in case the tears decide to flow outwardly. I can't explain these feelings. It started this past weekend when I truly recognized it. It is entirely possible it started prior to that, but Saturday is when I was accutely aware of feeling this way. Of course I kept that hidden. There is no reason to express that outwardly. There isn't anything anyone can personally do to help that feeling go away so it's just best for everyone if I just keep that pushed down, but it doesn't mean that those feelings just disappear because they are hidden deep inside. I want to cry and on the insde I am as I mentioned. I just hope that I am able to remain focused so that I can get work done and the things I have going on at home done so that I don't fall behind on either responsiblity. Another strange thing about how I feel today is something I have a hard time admitting, but it feels like a bit of anger. I don't really like that word as it isn't a feeling I have very often and I really do not like that word or that feeling. I'm not even sure if that is even a fair description of how I feel, but that seems to be what it does feel like. I won't allow myself to keep that feeling or show that feeling, but that's a bit how it feels today. I don't understand it nor do I want to really. It's just laying there under the surface for some reason today. I know that will pass as I do not like that feeling at all. I'm not a fan of sadness, but unfortunately, that is a feeling that has never left since December 1, 2010 and I don't suspect it ever will. Anger on the other hand is not something I will allow to linger inside me. I don't like it and I really don't like how it feels. So today and on the inside only will I allow that to happen. When I go to bed tonight it is my hope that I can just let that little feeling go to sleep and no awake again. I don't believe these moments will ever change, but I actually thought by now I would have gotten better at handling these moments by now. Don't get me wrong, I do think i do better at it at times, but there are many times that I don't feel I am any better than I was 10 1/2 years ago. I function every day and some days I function better than others. There are other days when I don't function as well as others, but I do at least try every day. I know one day I will reunite with Chad and I know it will be a glorius day, but today, I'm sad. I want to cry and I really want to just curl up in the bed and be quiet and alone with my sadness, but that is not an option. Since that is not an option, I will continue to try and focus and do the jobs and tasks before me and continue about my day and do the best I can do and press on just as I do each day. Until the day comes when I can see you again my sweet son I will miss you and long for you with every breath I take. Love, momma bear.