It's one thing to constantly be thinking of you during the day with some distractions here and there to help me get through the day, but oh when night falls. If I'm unable to clear my mind enough to fall asleep and if I'm lucky enough that nothing wakes me before say 2:00 AM, then I might have a decent shot of getting some restful sleep. However, on those nights when I'm not so lucky to clear my head or if something occurs and I awake in the early morning hours, there is no settling my mind down at that point.
Those kind of sleepless nights tend to be harder than if I would just stay up all night and busy myself. I feel sluggish and just not with it all day and this can go on for up to 3 nights in a row and then I will crash hard.
I've had 2 of these nights now and I would like to hope and pray that tonight would be the night that I would crash, but that is left to be seen. My mind wonders to so many different places when I'm left alone at night with my thoughts of you.
This last couple of nights have been especially hard because the "What If's" and "What Would You Be Doing Now" questions have run through my mind constantly.
I often wonder if you were upset in the end that I didn't do more to protect you. I will probably always wonder that whether you would have ever thought it or not. I think that's just what moms or parents do when they lose a child. I spent your whole life trying to protect you from harm and when you needed it the most I could do nothing. That eats at me and especially in those sleepless nights.
Would you be a police officer now? I happen to think you probably would be so I like to go that direction. Would my fears for your safety be less? Probably not, but hopefully you would be close and at the very least I know you would be state side. That seems to give me comfort for some reason. Maybe because I know I could at least get to you should I need or want to.
Every time I hear a particular song or see something that I know you would totally be all about, I am taken back for a moment and those questions flood my mind. It is a bit easier during the day when I can busy myself not to just continue allowing those thoughts to just run through my mind, but oh those nights. There is literally no stopping those thoughts once night falls.
There is so much we still had to say to each other and so many firsts we still needed to experience together as mother and son so just letting go isn't an option. Keeping those thoughts far from my mind isn't an option and I would also venture to say these sleepless nights will always be around. Maybe one night I can be productive with these thoughts that run wildly when night falls, but until then I will just continue missing you and asking myself all these crazy questions that I will never have answers for.
I love you and missing you is an understatement. I will continue to forge through this life until we see each other again and oh what a reunion that will be so just get ready for endless hugs and kisses on the forehead. I will have lots of catching up to do and you will just have to be ok with that and knowing you like I do, I know you will be.