Monday, March 21, 2016

What I believe marriage shouldn't be...

In this crazy world we live in today there are just some things that should be easier than others.  In my humbled opinion, while I understand marriage takes work, I don't think marriage should be hard.
I've given this a lot of thought over the years and probably more in the last 6 years as I have watched how my own marriage has been a saving grace for me.  So here goes my simple minded opinion of marriage.

Marriage takes work, but the work should not be all it's about.  Marriage should be more happy than sad and after you get home from work or whatever it is that keeps you from your spouse that day you should feel protected, encouraged, loved, and above all else, not lonely.

One of the saddest things I have heard is when someone is married and yet they feel so alone.  That breaks my heart.  That should be the last thing your partner should feel in a marriage and if they do feel alone, something is bad wrong.

Don't get me wrong, we all need our "space" or "alone time".  There is nothing wrong with that and in fact I believe that is necessary at times in any relationship.  However, that is far different than someone feeling alone in a relationship. 

When you go through health issues or devastating events (the loss of a child or loved one, etc.), you should know that your spouse is right there for you.  Your rock and your safe place.  I've been so blessed to have that and boy have I needed that especially over the last 6 years for sure.  Not one time through losing Chad and the medical issues I have had did I feel alone.  Not one time did I feel like Tebo didn't care or wouldn't be right there tomorrow even though today is horrible.  That is one of the most refreshing and assuring things I've ever felt.

I would be lying if I said I knew that's how marriage would be.  Honestly, I had not had anything close to that prior to marrying Tebo.  There is no way I could have survived losing Chad or even made it through all I have been through with my health had it not been for Tebo.  It didn't come in any certain way, he was just there.  He was steadfast and lifted me up on days I needed it.  He was firm on days he needed to be firm and he was always loving and caring and above all else, I knew he was there.  I have never felt alone or lonely in our marriage and for that I am grateful. 

Not everyone has this type of marriage, but it is possible.  I know if you are in a marriage where you don't feel you are getting all you need or if you think marriage will never happen for you, I believe it is possible.  I didn't think I would ever have what I have today either and I also wondered if it even existed or if I deserved it, but not only did I deserve it (and so do you), but it does exist. 

If I had any advice (again I'm no professional) I would say if you have a marriage less than what you want try treating your spouse how you want to be treated. If you are longing for something specific out of your spouse try doing that for them. I don't know if it will work, but it couldn't hurt. 

When marriage is good/great, then all the crappy things in life are manageable.  If you have a crappy marriage, it makes all that you face each day that much harder and sometimes you feel completely hopeless.  No one should ever feel hopeless in marriage.

Now, I'm certainly no trained therapist or educated in this area.  You might just say I have learned what not to do in marriage through my journeys.  We don't keep score and we are respectful of each other.  That is mutual for us.  We have certain things that we just decided (unspoken) we would take on in the home and we just do it.  If for some reason one of us is unable to do what it is we do, the other just steps in.  That's just what you do. 
I always want to do all I can to make Tebo feel like he is the only man in this world and show him how much I appreciate all he does for me.  I know I fall short of this on a daily basis, but I do try very hard to do just that.  He makes it easy for me to do that for him with all he does for me and just the kind of husband he is day in and day out.  I'm one of the lucky ones.   He and I make a great team.
We are living with a parent in the throws of Alzheimer's right now (although one of my sisters is the one dealing the most with it) and talk about a journey all on it's own.  I can't imagine living through that challenge without a strong spouse and the love (unconditional love) you would have to possess to get through your days.  We joke that Tebo is putting me in a home, but I also know without a doubt that he would be right there for me for as long as he physically could be if that were to be my fate.  There is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that.

My heart hurts for anyone who is in a loveless marriage or even more so if you feel alone in a marriage.  That's not what marriage was intended for.  Life is hard enough without not having your spouse be your safe place and your comfort.

It would be my hope that everyone who is married or considering marriage have a marriage full of love, respect, and a partnership that fulfills all their needs.  The rest will seem easy if you have a relationship that provides all those things you need and desire. 
To my love (whom I'm sure will not read this), thank you for all you do and for loving me even on those days that make it hard to love.  You've definitely given me far more than I ever thought possible or that I deserved.  I hope I give you just a small amount of all you give me. 

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