Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Missing the little things...

You know how it is as busy parents, you overlook some of the little things until they are all grown up or in some cases no longer here that you really start to think how big those little things were.

I did relish in nearly everything "CHAD".  I was probably over protective and overly involved in his life, but that's all I knew how to be with him and I'm sure him being an only child played a huge role in that behavior, but now, I wouldn't change a second of that.

I was a single mom from the time he was 3 years old so it was on me to do it all.  The fun stuff and the not so fun stuff.  I didn't mind, but I did struggle with the discipline part of parenting, but I did it, just did it reluctantly.  However, it was being the baseball, basketball, roller blade/skate board, and soccer mom/cheerleader that I enjoyed so much.  Oh what a joy he was to watch do sports.  Were there times I felt like we met ourselves coming and going and changed uniforms for the next team in the car on the way to the next event?  Yes!  However, I would not trade it for anything in the world.  It was a true joy and delight to do that with him and just watch him grow with every season.

I loved seeing him asleep in "his chair" in the crazy positions and I even miss him gagging at the smell of boiled eggs.  I still can't make boiled eggs without thinking of him doing that and now I sit next to a guy that is Chad's age that almost does the same thing.  I decided to accept that little coincidence as a little visit from Chad.  It makes me smile every time it happens (so thank you Ty). 

This will sound odd, but I even miss worrying about him.  As a parent we worry about our kids regardless of their ages unless they are under our roof and tucked safely in bed asleep (at least I did).  I miss fretting over not hearing from him for a while and wondering where he is and what he is doing.  There have been times that I actually even miss sleeping with my cell phone in my hand just in case he called in the night (yes, I was the mom that did that).

I know that "he is in a better place", but I would sure feel better about that if I could see his face.  I miss his voice and his face so much that I feel actual pain.  I even miss what could have been with him.  I miss what his career after the Marine Corps would have been.  I miss the children he never had.  I think those are common things a parent would feel if they lost a child.  There are times those misses will consume my thoughts and while mostly at night when I should be sleeping, it can happen at any time and usually without warning.

It is said that we will see each other again one day and I do believe that, but some days, that just isn't good enough for me.  Today happens to be one of those days.  The little things I am missing today feel huge!

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