Thursday, August 20, 2015

When life feels unmanagable

Even with everything in my life changed nearly 5 years ago and I suddenly found myself with no control over life or what happens I still somehow found a way to manage.  However, lately, life has felt completely unmanageable!  Nothing feels like it is going the way it should, relationships feel strained and work, well, work is more of a burden these days than it should be.
I don't feel like anything is working or flowing as it should.  I don't know why and I certainly do not know how to gain control or "normalcy" again.  What is happening?

Maybe I need a vacation or even a change in my job.  The change in my job comment is almost comical at this point as that is all my job has done over the last 9 months or so, but when I say change now, I mean a completely different job all together.  I'm not one that likes to change jobs and I do enjoy the job that I do.  I just don't enjoy some of the recent changes and continued changes that are going on.  One example is being reprimanded more than once for showing too much emotion in meetings and pushing back too much.  Here is the issue I have with that statement.  The same time I'm being told I'm not showing a "poker face" and pushing too hard or being too aggressive I'm also told I need to keep pushing back and that my emotion or passion for my job is probably what people like the most.  Ok, then what do you want?  You can't have both! 

Here is what I fear will end up happening if this continues.  I will shut down.  I already feel what little spark I have left in me is starting to diminish and once it is completely extinguished I'm not sure I will get it back.  If that is what they want they are close to getting it and I am certain they won't like that either.  It feels sometimes like there is no pleasing people, but they should probably be careful what they ask for, because they may already have the best part of me now and if that is gone I'm not sure what they will get.

Then in respects to relationships... I can't really put my finger on one specific thing, but I know things to be more of an effort than it's ever been before.  I don't know what is wrong.  I'm sure it is all me, but I honestly don't have any way of knowing how to fix or change it.  I'm truly at a loss with this one.  Relationships has always been effortless for me.  Maybe I'm being too sensitive for some reason or maybe I am misunderstanding everyone.  Who knows.  I just know that I feel more sad and frustrated than I have ever felt before and try as I may, I can't seem to get out of this place I am in.

Life for me needs to either slow down or take a different path.  There is little to no motivation going on with me right now and just when I think I'm starting to feel it come back something happens or is said that brings me right back to this place. 

I am sure this too shall pass, but until it does, it sucks!

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