Monday, August 24, 2015

One thousand six hundred ninety six

WOW!  I swear it feels like last night some days and other days it feels like forever since I've heard your voice or kissed your forehead.  As of today it has been 1,696 days without you on this earth.  I have to be honest, I hate it just as much today as I did December 1, 2010.  Nothing has changed for me with my heart except the ache gets harder and harder to deal with and the pretending that everything is ok just to make it through a work day gets harder and harder at times.  There are so many days I would just like to stay in the house and see no one outside those walls, but that is not an option for me and I'm not sure it ever will be.  That makes me sad too, because it makes me so emotionally and physically tired to put on the "face" every day and face this world like people expect. 

I miss every little thing about you.  I miss what we were yet to experience with you.  I miss what you could be doing now. 

I would love to see you with your friends' babies and how great you would have been with them.  I have a feeling you would have been able to get baby Hudson to come to you when she won't go to anyone else other than Tyler and Desi most of the time.  She would have loved you, Chad.  You would love to see Bentley and you would love him.  He is the cutest thing ever.  I've not spent much time around Bobby's little Luke, but oh my gosh, his curly hair is just like yours was.  Talk about curly hair, baby Chad's hair is just like yours too!  I haven't gotten to meet him or Riley yet, but one day I will and I can't wait.  RoRo and Zach are such good daddies.  All your buddies with babies are such good daddies.  I knew they all would be, but seeing it just warms my heart and I know you would have enjoyed every minute with them all. 

I know you would have been an amazing father.  I long to know what that would be like to see you with your own child.  I know I can't live life in "what if's", but it's really hard to do that when you were taken far too soon. 

I try to make sense of it on a regular basis and I can't.  Regardless how hard I try to understand that everything happens for a reason, I can find no reason for losing you too soon.  I know it isn't for me to truly understand and obviously I didn't get to weigh in on that decision, but it's really hard not to try and make some sense of it.  I just can't no matter how hard I try, and son, I do try hard.

I don't know how long the Lord will allow me to live on this earth, but I will be counting down the days until I finally get to hold you again and kiss your forehead and tell you how much I love you and how proud I have always been of you.  A mom couldn't ask for a better son.  You were definitely my angel on earth and now in heaven. 

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