When all you want to do is scream

I don't know about you or everyone else, but for me, there are just days that all I want to do is scream.  I've had several of those days lately and I can't pin point exactly what is causing that feeling, but I do know that I feel like I need to scream and can't and that in turn makes me want to cry and I can't.  So what in the world do you do when you find yourself in this situation? 


For me, I need some quiet and alone time, but I'm having a hard time even finding that lately.  I pray quietly to myself constantly throughout the day in hopes that at least I can calm myself until I can find a time and place to either scream or cry or both, but lately even that has become hard to do and really believe my own prayer.  I know, that probably sounds crazy and to most Christians I probably just admitted something I shouldn't admit, but it is truly how I feel at this very moment.


I'm sad, hurt, mad, overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, scared, and almost any other feeling or emotion you can conger up.  All those feelings and emotions rolled up into one all at the same time make me feel like I am going to go right outside my mind.


I don't know what you do with all these feelings trying to make their presence known at one time.  I know what I'm doing at this moment isn't helping. 


If I have talked to you or not talked to you or have seemed "off" lately, now you know why.  It doesn't excuse me if I have been short or snippy with you, it just explains that there is a lot going on in my head and heart lately that I cannot control or stop.  I do not like it anymore than anyone else that may be witnessing my actions or reactions with all this going on in the inside, but as a wise man once said, it is what it is right now.  If I could turn it off like a switch, trust me, that switch would have already been turned off.


There really aren't "special" dates with Chad coming up right away, but honestly, my feelings and emotions around missing my son and a huge part of my heart don't necessarily follow the calendar.  They basically are right there at the surface 24/7, but some days I do a better job of keeping those feelings and emotions at bay and other days, well, not so much.  I just happen to be having a couple of weeks feeling like this and it is starting to wear on me in ways I do not like and I don't know how to stop this snowball affect I have going on in my head right now.


I do have "special" dates with Jessica coming up and those times of the year are never easy and maybe that coupled with Chad is causing things to seem more exaggerated than they normally would be, but I'm not even sure it's just that either. 


To be quite honest with myself and anyone else that would care to read, I don't know if I will ever be anything more than what I am at this moment.  I'm never going to have this hole in my heart repaired.  That can't happen.  I'm never not going to miss my son or ache for him.  I'm never going to get used to him not being here or watching him continue to grow and have children of his own one day.  That just won't happen.  What I had hoped was that in almost 5 years of this so called "new normal" would be a little easier to navigate, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.  In fact, it feels like over the last few weeks I've taken steps (big steps) backwards.  That wasn't in my plan or at all what I expected.  I don't know what I truly expected as none of us set out and plan how we would carry on when we lose a loved one and especially a child, but in my head I guess I just thought I could manage these feelings a little better by now.  Well, guess what, I guess I've had the reality check that once again I'm not in control and there is apparently never going to be a signal that somehow taps me on the shoulder and gives me a heads up that I'm about to feel like I'm losing all control of my feelings and emotions this week so get prepared.  Turns out, life just isn't that nice to us. 


So, if you are reading this and I've seemed "off" to you or hurt your feelings or seemed like I don't care as much as I did or you thought I should I do apologize, but I can't promise when this will get better or change for me right now.  All I can do is try again tomorrow to do a better job of managing these feelings and emotions and hope that I succeed better tomorrow than I did today.  That is the most and best I can offer at this moment.