Friend or Foe

How do you know when someone is truly a friend or a foe? I've struggled most of my life with this question. Friends aren't always non-family or blood related. You can have friends that are family or blood related that you struggle with are they truly a friend or foe. Yes, they will always be family, but they don't necessarily have to be a friend. I'm the type of person that always believes everyone is good and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and sadly it can take multiple disappointments for me to get the message that they are doing me wrong. Once a person has wronged me enough and I feel I am done, trust me, I am done. I'm feeling a bit sad by a couple of "friends" that feel very much like "foes" right now and I really don't want that and I'm hoping they can restore that "friend" feeling, but honestly I'm getting really close to being "done". I don't want that and I would hope they don't want that either. I'm pretty certain they are both very aware of how much I can be done when I hit that point and I would hope they don't want that to happen, but that choice is on them. I can only be a door mat or a whipping boy for so long and then I have to walk away. It takes a lot for me to get to this point, but trust me, I'm dangerously close to that point and if things don't change and change soon it will be too late. I will be at that breaking point and that will be it for me. I love deeply and to my core. If you breech that love with hurt enough, it is so hard to get that back and once you do, if you do, it is hard to get it back to where it was (if it ever does). I have a tendency to keep you at arms' length after that to protect my heart. I wish I wasn't like that, but if you get me to that point then that is on you, because when I love you and bring you into the fold, I love you deeply and forever until that love is broken and like I mentioned, it takes a lot and you get lots and lots of changes with me. Some might say I'm a slow learner or a push over with the chances I give and maybe I am and maybe I just want so badly to believe if I forgive and keep giving chances that person will change and see what they are doing or have done, but sadly I'm not seeing that. Here is another thing, please don't go to church or preach it on social media and then treat or talk about people or even talk to people like you do that is un-Christ like. You are doing more harm than you might think. You aren't necessarily hurting me with this as I have my relationship with the Lord, but you do not know the other people around you that are wittnessing your actions and the hypocracy that you are hurting their chances of having a potential relationship with the Lord as they are like, well, if this is how Christians are then why should I bother? It is not my place to judge and that is not what I'm trying to do. I'm speaking from my heart from what I am personally experiencing and how I am personally being treated and have been treated for quite some time now and I am personally tired of it and I truly do not believe I have done anything to deserve this treatement. I am taking what life I do have left since I feel so dead inside since losing my baby boy back and I refuse to allow these people or any to come in the future to continue to treat me like this. Friends/Family/Foe, whomever it might be, you do not have the right to treat me or anyone else less than a good person and especially if you want to get up on social media and/or in church and portray yourself as a Christian to go out in the world and talk about someone ugly or mistreat another person especial if you consider them family or friends anything less than family or a friend. Shame on you if this applies to you. If you have made someone you supposedly love or that person was or is under the impression that you love them or they love you and you have made them feel that way I sure hope you make things right before it's too late. That person whether it is me or someone else could truly be DONE or gone from this earth and then what will you do or how would you feel? Give yourself a moment to give that some thought and if you feel compelled to make some things right, I encourage you to do the right thing. If you don't, then good for you for always being a great friend instead of a foe. This world needs more of you.

How do I say this?

I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel. You would be 33 years old now if you were still here and it's been 11 1/2 years since you were on this earth. Life has moved on for everyone, well, except me. Mine has moved on, but not like others. I've had no choice, but let mine move on, but there are more days than not that mine just goes with the motions. Most days I don't have lots of feelings other than numb. I do feel sad on the inside and I feel anxious a lot, but mostly, I just feel sad. I guess another way to describe how I feel would be empty. It's a different kind of empty. I don't really know the best way to describe that either. I have people that fill space in my heart. Tebo, the kids, your buddies, of course family and now that sweet little Cohen, but it's a different type of fullness if that makes any sense at all (which I'm sure makes very little sense). Yes, they all serve a purpose and without them I would really be lost. However, the space you took up in my heart when you were here on earth can never be filled with anyone except by you. You were the best thing I ever did in my life. You were perfect and even when I wasn't sure what the heck I was doing when I brought you home from the hospital, you were still perfect. I don't know how you turned out to be such a great person despite all we went through, but somehow you did. I could not be more proud of you! You were the most amazing young man and as a momma bear there is nothing I wouldn't have done for you. Chad, if I could go back to December 2, 2010 and had the opportunity to do so, I would have been in formation in Helman Province in Afghanistan and I would have been the one to step on that IED instead of you. I would have taken that hit for you. I had lived my life, you had not yet. You deserved better and I had a chance to step in and just say, just tell them no son. You asked me and while I told you I would support you regardless of your decision, I do wonder at times if I had just said don't go, would have you stayed. There is a bigger part of me that believes you would have gone regardless, but this momma's heart does tend to wonder at times if I had just said no would you have made a different choice. I know I can't second guess my answer to you that day and honestly if I had it to do over again I'm not sure my answer to you would have been any different. However, feeling like I do today makes me wonder if maybe I would have given you different advice. I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and missing you like crazy. I can't blame it on one little thing. I have these moments every day, but today I was flooded with those feelings and I just needed to get it off my chest. Yesterday was yet another Memorial Day we had to struggle through without you and while I refuse to look at social media on certain days (that one being especially one I avoid) it doesn't change the fact that I know what that days is about and that it is here. I refused to go to the cemetery, because it was packed with people and I just do not like to go when there are tons of people there. I had been there on your birthday and I will go one day this week (if we get a break in the rain). It really doesn't matter what day/date it is, you are missed by me 24/7 365 if I am breathing. I hate that you aren't here. I hate that I am still here without you. I don't say this often (other than just in my head), but it's not fair. It's not fair that I get to continue on this earth and you don't. You had so much life ahead of you and I know you would have done amazing things. As for me, I'm stuck in this fog and weird place that I don't believe I will ever be able to get out of so is that really living? I mean, really, am I living? If I'm not really living then why take you instead of me? It would have been easier for you to accept having to bury a parent than it is for me to accept having to bury my son. I will never understand that son. I miss you. That statement couldn't be more of an understatment, but it's the only one I have. I love you son. Until we are reunited again. Love, Momma bear.

Happy 33rd Birthday

I can't believe today you would have been 33 yeard old. Instead, you are forever 22 years old. We have now gone through (after today) eleven birthdays without you on this earth. It just does not seem possible. So much has happened and changed since you have been gone. One thing that has not changed is my broken heart. If anything, I swear it continues to break on a daily basis. I've just gotten a bit better at hiding that as the years continue to pass me by. I will go to the cemetery and place flowers on this rainy birthday and, yes, I will likely shed some tears again, and come back home and finish my work day, but I will not be my whole self. I will not be happy or in a mood to celebrabte. I will be mourning your beautiful soul like I do and have done since December 1, 2010. That is how I will be "celebrating" your 33rd birthday today and how I have "celebrated" your birthday for the past now 11 years. src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjDRU2NfAystwlilYKazVaGLTet3MDbZP4sHk-9VvwY9yC70q8tjLL3dM3SgyOcfjnB4RXLhFYcOCE_bhgOmLCRFlhCkoUt6lSmsh8F7LLBh1vn7L2uxR2RA1riUJm9lvKvruiCvGlYASu/s320/Chad+-+BoBo.jpg"/>

Eleven

It is hard to believe this year marked eleven Mother's Days that have been observed without you. I just cannot even comprehend that. It still feels so fresh in so many ways and in many ways it feels like forever. Yes, I know, it sounds as crazy for someone reading this as it is for me typing or thinking it, but that's how it feels. My life has not, nor will it ever, be the same since December 1, 2010. I say it all the time and it is true every time. I don't know if that will ever change. Actually, that's not true. I know it will never change. What I do know what is different that I didn't think would ever change is I do feel some joy that I did not believe would ever happen again. It's kind of funny, because that joy is found in one of the tiniest little packages you could ever imagine and I haven't even laid eyes on this little package in the flesh yet. Cohen Wade! When I see his little face whether it be in a picture or face timing it just makes me smile so much from the inside out and I feel like I'm just going to bust with joy. Oh Chad, you would just love this little human. Chadman, I would give anything for you to just see how Jorden is with him and as a momma. I haven't seen it in person, but I don't have to. I can see it in pictures and in her voice. She is just wonderful. She has him on a wonderful sleep schedule (she did NOT get that from me and obviously not from you LOL) and he is just the happiest little baby. Tebo and I are going down there to finally meet him the end of May. Right after your birthday (I can't think of a better way to "celebrate" your birthday). I just could not wait until the end of June to meet him. I honestly cannot wait. We would have gone sooner, but poor Jorden is either working or in a wedding all of May. That girl is making you so proud with her work ethic and how well she is managing being a mom and working full time. I can't remember if I told you that she bought her own house all by herself and she and aunt Paige have sent me pictures and, Chad, it is just precious and uncle Rodney put Cohen a swing up on the front porch and it is adorable. Of course your momma, being your momma, the first thing I said when I saw it was "oh gosh, if he swings too high he might hit the window". LOL! Tebo died laughing and said, "babe, it will be a while before he can swing that high". Lord, it never dawned on me to think of that. LOL! See, some things never change I suppose. Anyway, I just needed to talk to you I guess. I miss you and as I thought about Mother's Day and realized I had survived 11 of them without you, I just couldn't believe it. It still just seems so unbelievable to me even after this many years. I love you sweet boy. I promise to love that sweet Cohen and give him lots of hugs and kisses as we celebrate what would have been your 33rd birthday when we see him May 28th. I wish you could be with us and love on him yourself, but this momma bear/Ammy will just have to do in your place. I will do my best to do you proud. I love you son. Love, momma bear.

Heaven Right Now

Thomas Rhett has a new song out there that Desi sent me last night and I waited until today to listen to it as she warned me I would cry. She was right, but what's new?. It's called, "Heaven Right Now" It's so perfect especially the part watching Tennessee making a touch down (those have been a little far and between lately). It's a lot of the same questions I long to ask you all the time. I do wonder every moment that I am breathing. I always wonder what you are doing in heaven right now and every day that I am breathing. I love you son and I miss you. Today is a hard day again. I don't know what is wrong with me this last few months. I just can't seem to shake this sad feeling I have lately. I know it will pass and get some better and I am sure this time of year and not feeling well is a huge part of it, but I do not like not having control of it. Also there has been so much stress and change at work and fixing to be even more. I found out last night that they are planning to bring us all back to the office July 5th. That breaks my heart as I will have no say and I will have to sit there with a mask on my face for 8+ hours Monday through Friday and I am not at ALL happy about that. Just the thought of that alone makes me want to cry, but I knew the day would come, I had just prayed I could have been retired before that happened, but that isn't reality and I get it, but I guess living in a dream world just felt better. I like my quiet peaceful time at home during the day without dealing with all the freaking people at work. It's just easier to deal with them over the phone or Zoon than in person. I guess when you have no choice, you just have no choice and I will just have to deal with it. Whatever. If I think about it too much I will just get pissed and that's no good for anyone. Anyway, today, I do wonder what you are doing in Heave right now more than ever because I could use a phone call with you just to talk and see how you are doing and what you are up to. Just hearing your voice would sure do me some good. I miss you.

Is it possible?

Is it possible to run out of tears? I have to wonder, because if it is possible, i have to wonder, how long does it take? Even if I'm not outwardly crying tears, trust me, they are falling. I feel like I'm crying 24/7 365 either on the inside or on the outside, but either way, there are tears being shed. I was just sitting hear working and had to fill out some paperwork for Chad and found myself tearing up yet again and just wondered, is it ever possible to run out of tears? I assume not since it's been 10 1/2 years and 2 days since you left this earth and yet they still fall. So if it is possible to run out, they sure do have a long shelf life. There are probably people out there that think, really? After all this time you still cry just hearing a song or filling out paperwork? Well, no, that's not the only reason, sometimes I cry just seeing your picture or thinking about you or just waking up in the mornings (or in the middle of the night). Sometimes just breathing can cause tears to flow. It doesn't have to be "anything" to cause the tears, they are just always right there waiting to fall. There are times I am able to keep them inside and there are other times that no matter how hard I try they fall regardless. Trust me, I try very hard every single day to keep them inside and most days I do really well at this, but there are days that regardless how hard I try, the tears are stronger than I am. I'm not sure how that happens, but it does. We are creeping up on what would have been your 33rd birthday (yes that seems utterly impossible) and I cannot help but wonder what you would be doing or if you would have ever been able to grow a real grown up mustache or beard LOL! (sorry buddy, but that one you tried in Afghanistan even you have to admit was pretty sad/funny) I wonder if you would have pursued the police academy or taken a different path. Tebo and I watch the Texas Game Warden show a lot and we both can't help but think that would have been you and Clint's dream job and you would have both loved it. There is just so much that people don't realize that when you bury your child that you miss out on. They seem to take for granted when they get to see them graduate, get married, have children, start a career, etc. how exciting that would be. Yes, seeing all that does bring worry as well, but you are watching them grow and you get to touch them and love on them. I miss that. I miss you. I don't know if it is possible to run out of tears, but I'm guessing if it is, I might be one of the first people to find out since I shed so many all the time. I can't help myself. I try not to, but I fail miserably every day. Most days I do a good job of hiding it from most people, but they are there, always. I'm not sure how I continue doing life each day, but somehow and for some reason I do and I guess until the Lord decides I've handled enough and paid enough dues with enough tears I guess I will keep on doing life. Just know that with every tear that I do shed it's because you are loved and missed so much that the explosion of missing all that just shows itself in the form of salty tears. I love you son.

Broken

Have you ever felt so broken that you weren't sure how or if you could ever be fixed even enough to function properly or even good enough again? Well, that's how I feel right now. It's not just because May is here and my heart has this enormous hole in it. It's not just because I'm reliving the nightmare of December 1, 2010 all over again with this class action law suit that we are having to gather all this inforamtion for and relive details that honestly I had not read before. It's not even that I don't even feel like a whole person with my brain all scrambled up due to the cuncussion. I think it's a combimation of it all. I feel like I am just one big confused blob moving around through this world just going through the motions more than normal these days and it makes me sad and mad at the same time. I'm just ready to feel like my old "new normal" again (I think) as scary as that might sound. I just need something to feel "right". I know I haven't felt right since December 1, 2010, but at least I knew why I didn't feel right then. Now I'm just at the mercy of doctors that I just met. Maybe once I finally get this MRI I will either get some results or they will just tell me AGAIN that it's going to take time. I'm over things taking time. Time just takes too long and some times TIME will never be enough.