New Place

This is another song that is pretty perfect about how I feel. It's by Carly Pearce and it's called "Show me Around". I personally hate that you got a new place, but I can't control or change that. I do wish heaven at least had visiting hours, but let's face it, if it did, would any of us really leave once we came to visit? I'm certain I would not. Oh, Chadman. I just don't know what to do with my feelings this week. I feel like I am drowning like I mentioned in an earlier blog this week. I cannot control my emotions this week. I've dreamed about you all week. I can't really remember all the dreams, but it is the first time I haven't just had visions of the "incident" and I am truly grateful for that. One of my dreams (I have this one a lot) I'm trying to pack you and not only could I not find your things, but I didn't know where I was. That could definitely be due to the fact that we just moved to this new apartment and I'm still adjusting, but when I do dream of packing for you I can never find your things and I often wonder if that is due to the fact that Katie never gave me any of your things like I had hoped. Who really knows and I likely never will and I'm starting to be okay with that, but I assume that's why I dream that dream all the time. I know it's silly, but it just is what it is I guess. We did receive a precious gift of our 2nd granddaghter, Kati Belle, today. It's always a very conflicting feeling to feel that kind of happiness and still feel so much saddness for you. It's a very odd feeling to have and very difficult to hide when you never want anyone else to know what you are feeling on the inside as I would NEVER wany anyone to know what I was fighting deep down inside. I would never want to make anyone feel bad or awkward due to my feelings, ever. It's also been hard because Shuck's son's 3rd anniversary of his passing is today and to have the birth of a life and the anniversary of a life lost on the same day is so difficult. I'm not telling her about kati until tomorrow as it woudl break her already broken heart even more and I will never be the person to do that to her. I love her too much for that. Chadman, I don't really know even after almost 10 1/2 years how to navigate this "new normal" life I'm left with, but I'm trying. I know one week out of many to just feel broken is supposed to be okay, but I really hate when I feel completely out of control of my emotions. That's just not who I am. I know I don't have to tell you, but I do have to get it out of my head. I will tell you what I think will help this funk I find myself in. We are going to make a quick trip to Greenville, SC to Jorden's to finally get to meet Cohen and I cannot tell you how excited I am. I might even end up crying when I get my hands on him and that will not make me very happy, but I also know I may not be able to help myself. I've been dying to see him since the moment he was born November 17, 2020, but with COVID and then my freaking fall I haven't been able to go, but thank you to Tebo he worked it out for us to make a quick trip down and then we are going to join them and aunt Paige and uncle Rodney in Charleston for Jorden and Caleb's birthdays the end of June and then we are going to stick around a few more days just to have a mini vacation from work. We can't wait. We have never had a vacation like this and we are over the moon about it. Chadman, I know you are in a better place and I know you are with our loved ones that went before and you are with Billy Booher, but I miss you. I need you. My heart has a hole that will never be filled and there are some days I don't know how to take that step forward, but I'm continuing to try. I love you and even though I know I will never be the person I was before you left this earth, just know that I am doing my best and I am trying, but there are going to be moments (some times days or weeks) that I don't do great, but I am trying. Love, Momma Bear.

Waves

There is a country song by Chris Young called "Drowning" that could not describe how I feel any better. I won't say everyday I feel like I am drowning, but everyday is a day of waves of emotions. Today, however, I happen to feel like I am drowning. It's really been this way all week and I have no one reason I can actually "blame" it on. It just seems to have happened this week. There is no anniversary, not trigger that is happening. It's just one of those days/weeks that I feel overwhelmed with emotions. I can't stop the tears whether they be pushed inside or start flowing outwardly. Thank you Jesus that I am still able to work from home. I'm not sure what I would be doing right now should I have to be at the office feeling the way I do this week. I've had to deal with that before and it is tough. I mange through it, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I cannot even explain the kind of exhaustion that kind of tired is. Unless you have walked in my shoes and lost a child (I pray if you are reading this you have never had to experience this) then you can't really know this kind of exhaustion, but it is draining. It sounds odd I'm sure to say I feel like I am drowning when I'm not even in water, but oddly enough, I am in water. I am in a sea of tears whether you can see them or not, they are there. They are always there. I'm constantly crying. Most days I'm just really good at keeping them on the inside. Today, well really all week, I've not been as good at keeping them inside. I feel like I am taking everything very personally and I feel like such a failure as a wife, sister, friend, heck basically you name it and I feel like I'm feeling like a failure at it. I guess that's what drowning must feel like. You feel helpless and you can't even help yourself so how could you possibly help anyone else. Yep, that's where I am. I know (well, hell, I hope) it's fleeting (for now). The problem with it being fleeting is that I know it will rear it's ugly head again, it's just, when? That's the part that can be scary. You never know when it will hit again and sadly I don't know how long this one will take to snap out of it. This one is taking a longer time than it has in a very long time and that alone is a bit scary. Yes, I could explain it away with all that is going on with me and in my life lately, but those are excuses. I'm bigger/stronger than that, but nope, not this week for whatever reason. So there you have it. I'm having a drowning week. I pray it's just this week, but who the hell knows.

Three Thousand Seven Hundred Eighty Four Days

WOW! I cannot believe today marks three thousand seven hundred eighty four days since the day you left this earth. I also cannot believe we are only 40 days before the day you would have turned thirty three years old. I wonder every day what you would be doing and if you would have children. I imagine (since that's really all I can do) that you would be a police officer (hopefully right here in Northwest Arkansas) and have at least one baby (so I could babysit) and most importantly that you are happy and healthy. That's what I imagine every moment that I am coherent. I guess I will do this until the good Lord decides to take me to heaven to join you, but until then this is what I have. Today has been odd. I can't tell you why. Nothing specifically bad has happened. I'm not healing as quickly as I want to be for one, but that shouldn't be it. Work is still stressful and frustrating, but again, that shouldn't be it. I just woke up and for some reason was missing you even more than normal (if that could even be possible). I've been weepy all day long. I'm so freaking grateful that I'm still working from home when I have days like this, but dear Jesus they are talking about possibly bringing us all back into the office and I am not looking forward to that at all. It makes days like this so much more stressful and hard to manage, but honestly I won't have a choice. Once they make that decision I have to go. I will just have to make the best of it, but I don't have to like it. Chad, I have to tell you, I'm trying. I'm trying everyday to keep going and not be a "Debbie Downer", but I have to tell you, there are days that it is much easier to say (or type) than it is to do. Missing you is really just stupid to say (or type), because that doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. It actually makes me mad at myself to even say that, because missing you is not an accurate description. I don't know what it truly accurate. I long for you. I long to see your face, kiss your forehead, see that crooked grin, see that crazy position you sleep in, in "your" chair and hear that quick witted sense of humor. I long for it all. I did make some decisions lately that I have been giving a lot of thought to for several years and once Bobo passed (give him a hug for me by the way), I started making plans to put those thoughts into action. I knew it was somewhat silly to keep certain things of yours to myself and once Tebo and I sold the last house I knew it would be even more silly to just keep storing these items and once we get in our final house we wouldn't have a ton of space so I knew it was time. Besides, I would rather those I love and I knew you loved and would love (Cohen) enjoy these things rather than they just be in a closet for years and years and me not have a chance to see how much they would enjoy them. So here is what I've done or will be doing very soon (I hope). Peanut got your Bow (I knew you would want her to have it). Scooter got your hunting clothes (believe it or not they all fit him perfectly (made me believe the timing was just right, thank you son), your tackle box, Bobo's medals/flag (as he requested). Stacy got some quilts and blankets that people I didn't even know had made and sent to us (I know you could care less, but I would have told you anyway, ha). Cohen is getting your old electric guitar, amp, and your Fender guitar strap as well as your signed Dallas Cowboy ball cap signed by Jay Novacek and your Dallas Cowboy bandana (as soon as I figure out how to get it to him, LOL). I think one day he will love it and I think today Jorden and Caleb will love it. I know your guitar needs some strings and if I don't get them done before I get it to him I know Jorden and Caleb will get it done for him one day. Those are the big things. I haven't been able to part with your cereal bowl yet, but I'm sure one day I will and maybe I never will. It's just been one of those days today for some reason and while I know those days happen, it doesn't mean it makes any easier just because it's been three thousand seven hundred eighty four days. The feeling is the same as the first second I heard the news. I love you son. I cannot wait until we are reunited and I get that momma bear hug from you and I get to kiss your forehead. Until then I will continue to kiss the top of your headstone and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. Love, Momma Bear.

It's not really your fault

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way at times. Well, I might be, but I would be surprised if I am. Well, I'm going to write this as if I am not the only one, but I am going to write this about me at this particulart time. It's not like this is the first time I have felt this way, but this time it is a bit over whelming for the simple fact that I can't really control it right now and that in and of itself is driving me more crazy and most likely not helping my situation at all. So let me explain. If you have been reading my blogs you are fully aware that I am struggling to recover from a stupid fall that resulted in a fractured tailbone and even worse a severe head trauma that resulted in a severe concussion. That's been the worse part of this fall. So the real reason for this post is that I feel like I am failing at so much. I feel I am failing at being a wife, a mom, a friend, an aunt, basically you name it and I feel like I'm failing at it right now. I know it's not really my fault, but it feels like it is my fault. On top of the side effects of this concussion I am having a terribly sad day for some reason. I shouldn't be having a sad day really, because last night my husband did such a wonderful thing for me. He booked us a quick weekend trip to fly us down to finally meet my great nephew and Chad's name sake and I will get to love on that little nugget and see my niece, my sister, bother and finally meet Caleb, but I cannot stop the tears today. There are several things that have my heart sad today. One, I miss my son. My heart literally hurts. It's a painful hurt, not just "saying it's a heartache". No, it's a physical pain. Feeling like a failure at anything is very hard for me, but being a failure to my husband who does so much for me breaks my heart and for whatever reason I feel like I am failing him in so many ways. I can't name those ways, I just feel like I am failing him. I don't feel like I am 100% for work as I am having to work so much harder to concentrate and when a migraine hits I have no choice, but to step away from the computer and rest my eyes and then I feel like I am letting them down. My best friend is going through some stuff with her daughter and I'm not there for her like I normally would be, but I either forget to call or reach out or I am fighting a migraine or fatigue and I don't reach out. I'm tired of feeling like I do. I am really sick of the confusion and memory loss. I'm tired of not being 100% of myself and being able to do my normal stuff. A fall in the bathroom should not rob me of this much time and I'm just so over it. It doesn't help that May is approaching so quickly and I wanted to feel more like myself before that happened. Getting to finally meet my little Cohen Wade is going to help tremendously and I could not be more grateful, but I'm also a little scared that Jorden will be scared for me to hold him or care for him if I don't improve. I know my sister will have my back and Tebo too, but I want to be good enough that I don't need them to do that. I am a little scared to fly feeling like I do right now. I'm worried I will get lost or get overwhelmed caused I don't feel like my brain is working right, but I also know Tebo will take good care of me. I do worry that at some point that he will get really sick and tired of taking care of me and then what. I know it's just my scrambled eggs for a brain right now playing tricks on me, but lately I've been terrified that he is going to get so sick of it that he will find a healthy and smart more self sufficient woman to run to. He might not technicall/physically leave me because he is too good of a man for that. I also don't believe he would ever cheat on me, but at this point I wouldn't blame him if he did. I'm not attractive with the weight I've lost due to medication and just not feeling well and honestly I feel like such an idiot with not being able to carry on decent conversations or keep my track of thoughts and my fatigue, I know it has to be getting old for him if it isn't already. I would totally understand. I would be devistated, but I would understand. He deserves better than this. He has already been through so much with me. He has been through far more than anyone man should have to go through when they sign up for better or for worse. He has had to watch me lose my son (only child), both my parents, my grandmother, by Bestie, two sisters go through breast cancer and treatment. He has to watch me struggle for years with stomach issues to include a year a nothing but a liquid diet and I will spare you the groosome details, but he had to see and do things no husband should have to do for their wife, but he did it for two years without complaint and then my stomach surgery. Now if all that wasn't enough, we have this fall and the reprocussions of that. To say I'm ready to just give up and throw my hands up would be an understatment and to say that my fears every single day over the last month of what must be going through his mind (likely all in my head) are taking over would also be an understatment and if you know me for less than 5 minutes you would know I will not verbalize these feelings or thoughts until I give it considerable thought and that could take years if it ever happens at all. All in all I know it isn't my fault just as it wouldn't be for you or anyone else. Stuff in life just happens. Having a sad day on top of all this certainly doesn't help, but writing it down and getting it out of my head hopefully will. Hopefully.

Fog Frustration

If you have ever had a severe concussion, you will relate to this post. If you have not, you may have a harder time, but I hope you will have some empathy and say a prayer for me if you are the praying type. At some point in the middle of the night of January 21, 2021 I got up in the night to go to the restroom (which as you get older you will find this is a normal routine). I have been having episodes off and on over time where my legs just didn't want to hold me up or go where I wanted them to go and we really thought it was more likely my blood sugar than anything. Well, this particular night for whatever reason they definitely didn't work and I hit the floor in the bathroom HARD! I first landed on my rear and then slammed my head on the tile floor. Tebo said he heard my head echo from the bedroom, he ran in there and picked me up and put me back in the bed and felt the back of my head and he said it felt like a softball. He ran to get a bag of frozen peas and held it on my head all night watching me to make sure I was okay. He said I cried most of the night. I have absolutely zero memory of even getting out of the bed to go to the restroom. I don't remember the fall, he putting me back to bed or even holding frozen peas on my head. I barely remember that weekend at all. He said we called the doctor's office and left a message for him that weekend and went on about our business. We even walked our future land and I really have a very vague memory of even that. On Monday apparently my doctor called and had me report to the ER. Tia came to pick me up and Tebo met us at the hospital and they did a CT and determined I had a fractured tailbone and a very severe concussion. I have zero memory of being at the hospital or the ride to the hospital. That is very scary. Anyway, apparently there has been a change in the protocal for concussions now. Now they want you to sleep so for the next 4 days I slept and only woke when Tebo woke me to eat something and then back to sleep I went. Here I am on April 7th and I can tell you I am still in a fog and I still fight a headache every day. I've seen a Neurologist at least 4 times now and he tells me it is completely normal to still feel this way given the severity of the head injury I had. That does not give me solace or encouragement at this point, but I am certain it could be worse, but I am very discouraged. I am very dizzy every day, I have a headache every day, I feel like my head is in a fog every day, I have very bad short term memory every day (this has never been great, but it's far worse right now), my vision is wors right now, my entire face including my teeth are numb, I can't focus, I struggle with my words (now mostly as they day goes along) and I am sore all over. I'm just a hot mess over here and it is starting to get extremely old and frustrating. I want to cry every day, but if I do I know it will only make my headache worse and no body wants that so I just try to push that urge back and push forward as much as I possibly can. The neurologist believes the reason for my legs not wanting to work very well is due to migraines. I have never heard of that before, but he is the expert. He put me on a migraine preventative medication that I started after my first visit with him and I am on my second full month on the full dose of that. I can't really tell if it is truly working yet as I am not fully reovered from the concussion yet, but I have to believe it is helping some. Yesterday I saw him again and he added another mediation to help with my neck to see if he can get it to relax that might help my rest that will also help my brain heal. I pray this is the answer that will get the healing process jump start. I need healing and I need it to start soon. I feel like I am just floating through life right now and it is a very scary and weird feeling. I almost feel like I did when I was first notified that my son was killed in Afghanistan. I know that sounds crazy (and it just might be), but the fog that I was living in for a few months is exactly what I feel like right now and with May approaching I don't need this fog on top of the sadness that is creeping up on me. That probably scares me a bit more than this stupid concussion recovery. Any and all prayers are appreciated more than I could ever express. I'm not a begger, but I could beg if needed right now. Please and thank you.

Deep breath

I tell myself on a daily basis and sometimes multiple times a day to take a deep breath and that it will all be okay. However, will it? Will it be okay? There are many days that I truly wonder if I am really just lying to myself or living in this fantasy world and thinking if I tell myself that enough it will just come to be. If I were to be honest with myself, I don't think it will be okay. I don't think taking a deep breath with ever make things okay again. I know my heart will never be whole again, that I know for sure. I know I will never feel the kind of joy that I would love to feel again. I mean, how can there be that kind of joy when there is the kind of hole in my heart like there is? I don't believe it is possible. Are there patches that can be placed over parts of that hole, sure. I have some patches that have little names attached to them. Those patches are wonderful and that make me happy and they do fill a void. They don't fill that entire hole and sadly they never will, but they do help get me through some of those hard days. They don't help with the hardest days, but they do help on hard days. Today happens to be one of those days that I wish I could just crawl in a hole and disappear. There is no real reason why (does it need to be?), I don't think so. Nothing specific has happened today or even over the weekend. Nothing has trigger this feeling that I am aware of. I don't think it always has to have a trigger. I think there are just days that happen to be days that just suck. There is no "nice" or "polite" way to say it. It is just a real sucky day and I feel sad. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I really don't want to cry, because I already have a headache that I've had since January 21st so I don't need more of that. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that today is just a sucky day and it's just because that's what it is and maybe tomorrow will better and maybe it won't be, but either way I will figure out a way to get through it and figure out how to face the next one.