Shattered heart

Unless you have lost a child you will have a very difficult time understanding or comprehending the depths in which a heart can shatter.  What is even harder to understand, for me, is how I continue to breathe and how my heart continues to beat when it is so broken.  The only way to explain it at this point is by the grace of God.  If it were left up to me and my heart, it would have never had a heartbeat again after December 1, 2010 at approximately 5:30-6:00 PM when that doorbell rang.
For whatever reason the Lord has seen it fit to keep me on this earth longer than my precious son of whom I was his mother for 22 years.  Yes, I'm still technically his mother, but I feel further from being a mom than I did when I was in my early 20's and told I would like never conceive a child.  That's how I feel today.
Everyone handles or manages the loss of a child differently and I totally get that, but it is still hard for me to actually grasp the fact that I continue to wake up each morning and find a way to put one foot in front of the other and continue on each day.
I can assure you, I DO NOT WANT TO!  I'm not suicidal nor would I consider taking my own life, I just do not grasp how it is possible for a heart to continue beating when it is so shattered like it is.  Again, unless you have experienced that kind of loss there is no way you could possible begin to understand how this feels.  The biggest part of my life as I knew it died and will never be repaired since Wednesday, December 1, 2010.  It is a moment in time that I will never forget nor will it ever get easier or hurt less.  It just won't.
I truly do my best every day not to live in that place, however, there are days when there is no changing how that feels and for the most part I can usually hide that from most and fake it with the best of them, but today was hard.  I don't know why and typically I cannot explain what triggers it, but today was one of those days for me.
I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and felt like I would fall apart at any given second.  I had decided once I left the office to get daddy today that I would only check email to address anything urgent, but just as I was leaving the office someone had a request that required me to work.  That just added to my day of frustration as all I really wanted to do is just sit and survive until Tebo got home with as little interaction as possible.  Well, I guess best laid plans never seem to work out do they?
Life is hard.  Life without my son, my only child, is literally the hardest thing I have done and ever will do.  It sucks!  It sucks big time! 
I hate life without my son on this earth.  I truly do hate it, but I don't have a choice.  Suicide is NOT an option and being self absorbed is NOT an option.  I have people depending on me.  Retirement is NOT an option at this time so I will continue to just fake it until the day comes when I have the freedom to just have a freaking day when I don't have to fake being "OKAY" and just be sad for a moment.  I guess until that day comes I will continue to figure out how to keep going when all I want to do is join my son in heaven.