Sadness

Sadness comes in many forms and many things can make us sad.  Our family is continuing to experience sadness in many ways.  Tebo and I have lost all our moms in 1 1/2 years time.  We are watching another sister battle breast cancer and she learned last week that she will still have to undergo another unexpected surgery to remove the remaining lymph nodes on her left side (the side that was unexpected to actually have cancer, just to learn after her pathology showed positive).  We personally have three families that are falling apart and there is nothing we can do to help, but listen and be there for them.  We, Tebo and I, are experiencing challenges at home each day as we navigate this terrible Alzheimer's & Dementia disease with daddy.  Some days are a breeze and other days are a true challenge, but the most tiring part is the constant change and not being prepared for each episode each day.
While navigating through all the family stuff we still have to carry on with our full time jobs and currently this week and next week my work world has blown up (again) with data changes so we are basically having to start over and I have limited time in the office which is making this task very difficult.  However, I am fortunately to have a job and right now we are not prepared for me to stay home so that is a blessing, although very tiring and challenging as it feels as though I am working two full time jobs between the office and daddy.  I feel the tiredness and sadness throughout my entire body.
I am sad for my sister and not being able to be there for her physically, I am sad to watch daddy decline with this terrible disease and knowing there is really nothing I can do for him.  I am sad I can't stay home and focus on him and my husband and have the flexibility to go to my sister and be with her when she needs it most.  I'm sad that I can't spend more time with my youngest sister and her kids.  I just miss being with my family members more regularly.  I'm sad that I can't see my son and kiss his forehead and hug him tight.  I am also sad that I feel I am letting my husband down by not being able to give him my undivided attention.
I am, however, happy and blessed to be able to care for daddy and that I have a husband that is so supportive and strong when I cannot be.  I'm happy that my sister has such a supportive and strong husband and a strong group of friends and a dedicated daughter that are there for her.  I'm very happy that our youngest sister had the flexibility to go be with her while she went through surgery and days after as she has already gone through her battle with breast cancer being diagnosed February 8, 2012.  She is now 8 years cancer free and that is a huge blessing  I know my other sister will celebrate that milestone as well.  She just has to walk this journey and keep fighting and she will get there.


I am blessed that we have such a strong family and support system when we need it the most.  It's okay to feel sadness, you just can't stay there.  I remind myself everyday and some days multiple times a day as it would be super easy to just stay in a dark place and disappear, but that is no good for anyone so I keep going each day and do the best I can.  Some days I do decent and other days I fail miserably, but I do keep trying each day.


For my sister, Paige, fighting breast cancer right now, I pray the Lord keeps you strong and gives you peace and comfort in knowing you've got this with his help and you will be OKAY.  For my daddy I pray the Lord has mercy on you and doesn't allow you to struggle too long with this disease and that you continue to keep your wonderful personality (minus "Walter") and love of life.  For my husband (who I know never reads these), I pray that you reap blessings beyond measure for all you do for me and my family and for being so willing to open our home and disrupt our lives to care for daddy.  I pray that you don't have too much sadness over losing your mom and brother and have peace and find comfort in knowing they are in heaven with Chad and Billy.  For the rest of my family I pray you are healthy and happy and we are done with cancer diagnoses for a long time to come if not forever and that we are all spared from this dreadful disease known as Alzheimer's and Dementia.