I am an idiot!

I rarely get on social media anymore. No real reason other than I am on a computer all day and the last thing I wanted to do is look at my phone or computer after work. It's my "down" time. However, for whatever reason, today, I decided to check on some of Chad's buddies and see if there was anything new going on with them since Christmas. I came across the Wall Street Journal atricle done on the guys after Chad passed away on patrol. I had read the actual article years before, but I guess I was still in enough of a fog at the time I read it that I had not remembered a lot of details. Well, sadly, today I was reminded. I feel sick. I can't stop the tears and I just want to protect my son. I am so heartbroken and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I love my son with all my heart and everyday without him is hard. Some people may say, well, it's been 10 years now, are you not any better? NO! I am and never will be any better. I just learn better ways to cope with each day, but I will never be any better. I ache on the inside and literally there are days that I swear my heart is physically breaking. I don't know why the Lord continues to keep me on this earth, but so far he seems to have a reason. I would really like to ask him what my purpose is supposed to be, but I know I'm not really supposed to question him. I've said from the begining that I believed God saved Chad from a far worse faite. I do believe that, but it doesn't make the pain any easier to handle. It's still just as fresh today as it was that Wednesday, December 1, 2010. This has been a hard year. It was 10 years, we lost daddy and we as a world have been dealing with COVID 19. I didn't get "my time" on the first like I typically like to do and in some ways I did feel cheated (in a very selfish way), but I made it through it, but I can tell you, I am not okay. I'm hurting and there is nothing I know I can do to help or fix that. I lost my only child and we were so close and I miss him. I have a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. NEVER! My heart aches for his Marine buddies and his high school friends as I know they are hurting as well. I will never be okay and nothing or no one will ever be able to fill that hole. I just know I have to get up every day and do the best job I can and live the best life I can live and let me tell you, that is very hard and much harder to do than to type. I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and you had to suffer. I'm sorry for the loss all your friends feel. I'm sorry this entire life changing event has changed who I am at the core. However, I love you enough that I will do what it takes for me to see you again. There are days that, that cannot come fast enough, but until it's my time, I will love you and miss you and try to live the best life I can with most of my heart missing. Love, Momma Bear...

Tenth Veteran's Day

Today marks the 10th Veteran's Day we have celebrated since you have been gone. It is bittersweet to say the least. I am so very proud of the young man and Marine you became and there isn't a moment that I am taking a breath that I do not miss you and long to see your face and kiss your forehead. I know that isn't going to be possible until I join you in heaven so for now your pictures and memories will have to do. I did try to reach out to all the Veterans I know or have numbers or emails for and thank them for their service. I've had many text messages or emails from people telling me they are thinking about us today. Nothing will ever make any day easier, but knowing people will never forget you sure does help get to the next day without you. It is hard to even believe that in 20 days you will have been gone from this earth for TEN YEARS! It doesn't seem possible that I have been able to survive for ten years without you. It's only been by the grace of God that I have. I miss you and everything about you. I was organizing your closet yesterday and I came across a letter you wrote to me when you were 13 years old. You were apologizing for having an attitude with me and for not keeping up your grades. Yes, I cried, but I also smiled as that is the young man I wanted you to be. You always made me proud and even when you were being a little turd, I was still proud. I think more than anything when you were younger I was always proud of what I knew you would be. You did not disappoint. Some people have asked me in the past if I had any regrets. My only regret is that I did not get more time with you. I regret not getting to see you fulfill your dream of being a police officer or see you become a daddy. Those are the types of things I regret. I will live the rest of my days wishing for those things all the while knowing it will never be. I love you, son. I miss you, son. Those two things will never change regardless of how long the Lord keeps me on this earth. Love, Momma Bear

Nine years & 51 days

It's hard to believe that it has truly been nine years and 51 days since you were on this earth. It's been nine years and 54 days since I had the honor of hearing your voice even if it was only less than 30 seconds. I'm lucky in the fact that the last phone call, as short as it was, was absolutely the best one ever. You were so excited about your Peyton Manning autogrpahed picture that would be waiting on you when you returned home from Afghanistan for your 23rd birthday. All you could say was, that's crazy, that's just crazy. How did you do that mom? That's crazy and then we lost the connection. I remember telling Tebo immediately that I didn't get to tell you that I loved you before the call dropped so next time I was going to say "I love you" first and then we can chat. Sadly, there would never be a next time. People ask me if things get easier or better. My answer is always the same, NO! It never gets easier or better nor would I want it to be easier or better. Do you find a better way of facing this world, yes (sadly), but it never gets easier or better. I know I will always and forever feel the way I feel today until the day the good Lord decides my time on this earth is done. I'm ready any time he is to be done. There are many people in my life, mostly family, will probably crenge when/if they read this, but I didn't not only lose my only child, but I lost my bonus daughter too. I never thought I would be a good mother in law. I figured since Chad was an only child and a son at that, that I would never be able to accept a daughter in law, because I had never had to share him with a girl, ever. However, I have to say, because my son loved her like he did, so did I. I was excited to be her bonus mom and enjoy life with them and watch them grow and have babies one day, but that was not to be. I have been very fortunate that through my husband I have two wonderful bonus daughters and a bonus son and now two more bonus sons. I was honored to get to partcipate in both daughters' weddings and we have on granddaughter (at the moment) and I'm blessed to be able to be an "Ammy" with her and I look forward to one day having more. Nothing will ever change the fact that I will never know what it truly feels like to have my own blood grandchild and watch my son become a father, but I've been fortunate enough to be allowed to be "Ammy" to my niece and her soon to be baby boy, Cohen Wade Taylor (named after Chad). I will cherish every moment of little Cohen Wade's life and yes, I will be spoiling him any chance I get. I mean, that's what Ammy's are for. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I am definitely not the same person I was before Wednesday, December 1, 2010. I never will be that person again. I do strive to be better each day, but I will never be that person again. That part of me died the moment Chad died. It just is what it is for me and this is my new "normal" if that's what we want to call it. Losing a child is not a "group" or "club" anyone wants nor should be a part of. It's not the natural cycle of life. I've said it many times as have others. If you live long enough you will bury your parents and possibly a spouse, but you should not have to out live your child(children). That is not the normal cycle of life, but it apparently is God's plan. I don't pretend to understand why and I have not ever (consciously) asked why. I do wonder how in the world I am able to keep breathing when I feel my heart literally breaks every time I open my eyes and realize I am still here. I am amazed by the fact that my heart can feel like it does and yet I continue to open my eyes and breathe every day. How is that even possible? I guess I will never know the answer to that until I join Chad in heaven. A friend of mine once said, "you don't know how strong you are until that is all you have". That is true. I don't consider myself "strong", but it is definitely an unknown stregnth that keeps me going every day. I used to think it was for daddy, but now daddy is gone too and some how I continue to breathe and wake every morning. That is something I will never truly understand and maybe I am not supposed to understand. Either way, it sucks. Yes, I still have a room set up for him with what few things I have left of his. I don't know if that is healthy or not, but for me it somehow makes me feel like he is still part of our lives and we haven't just up and left him. I know, I know... It sounds crazy and just keeping his room set up and his cereal bowl in the kitchen cabinet and his no scent in the laundry room will not bring him back or make this all just a nightmare, but for me it just feels like the "normal" thing I would do if he were here and makes me feel like a piece of him is still here. Logically, I know this not to be true, but when has the heart ever been real logical? I'm not sure when or if this will ever change for me, but for now this is all I know and the only way I know how to get through each day without him. My life will never be as it was, I just try to make the best of what I do call "normal" now and try to be the best person I can be. I don't know why I'm here and he is not, but it wasn't my plan, it was HIS. Until the day I see you again, son, I will continue to love you and make sure you are never forgotten. Love, Momma Bear

2020 the year of COVID

What a year 2020 has turned out to be. In our lifetime we have never seen an epedemic like this where it impacted the entire world. We have been working from home since first of March (which I've loved) and looks like going back to the office will be slow and staggered and not at all look "normal" prior to March 1st. During this pandemic our daughter got engaged and then married. Our daddy passed away with Alzheimer's and Dementia. My sister completed chemo and radiation and reconstruction surgery for breast cancer. My other sister's husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and started his treatments. Graduations were canceled or minimal attendence. Schools closed down, opened up and some closed back down. We lost one of Chad's buddies to a motorcycle accident and his wife was seriously injured and no one could be with her in the hospital. Many people in hospitals had to be alone from COVID treatments, to child birth, to reconstruction and other surgeries, all alone other than the nurse and doctor staffs. These essential workers have to step in and be "family" for many of these patients on top of doing their jobs. It's been a world like we have never seen before. It's been crazy, different, and scary at the same time. This is also an election year for the President of the United States. I never thought I would be living in a world like this, yet, here we all are just learning to navigate our new "normal". I'm not sure about you, but I for one am a bit tired of having to navigate new "normals". I know for me personally, I've been doing this since December 1, 2010 and I'm ready for things to really be the final new "normal" for a while. All this change and challenges are getting a bit old. One thing positive about this entire situation is I was able to spend the first of March to June 24th with daddy, literally all day every day and I am so grateful for that. I set up my home office in the living room so we were right here together all day. We ate every meal together every day and as a bonus I had my husband with us. I would rather continue to work from home every day, but I know my husband is ready to go back to the office at least part time. Me, not so much. I'm hoping it's much later than sooner for me. Hopefully that will be the case. I guess we shall see. We along with many others had to cancel vacations and still not sure we will be able to travel at Christmas or in April, but we are going to try. Life is definitely different and getting used to wearing masks on our faces any time we are not at home has been quite different and a big challenge (for me). I know things could always be worse, but I certainly don't want to imagine that right now. 2020 has definitely been a year to remember (or can't wait for it to be over and forget about it). May you and all your loved ones stay safe and healthy and only strengthen relationships along the way. God Bless the United States of America.

UGH!

To say I am frustrated would be a complete understatment. It is work. I love what I do, but for the last year after a company wide change in the main system we all work in was switched over to a new system and it has been a nightmare to say the very least. I'm tired and really sick and tired of things not working properly or even worse I am on week 7 where I come in and the system has wiped out the work I had done all week. Over it doesn't come close to even describing how I feel about all of this. I am working my rear-end off and my boss has my back (the only little bit of sunshine in all of this), but come on! Something has got to give or this momma needs to retire and retire soon. I'm just done. I'm so burnt out by the end of every day that I have no ambition to do anything around the house and that is not me. I want to cry most days and knowing that will only give me a cry headache, work is not worth that. Okay, I'm done with my venting for now, but I need to be able to catch a break and soon or I may really lose my ever loving mind.

Little things

I'm not sure I have never "not" heard, it's the little things that matter. Of course they matter, but even making sure we appreciate and recognize the little things, what happened to paying attention to the every day and big things. First and foremost, I love my husand and my family and my extended family. Truly, this love goes so deep for each and everyone of them. What get frustrating is when you are facing the hard stuff is when you need to lean on those people that you love deeply and know they will be there even if for emotional support. I'm learning there are very differnt people when facing difficulty/scary/tough times. You have those that draw closer to each other and are just there "with" each other no matter what. Then you have those people who tend to lash out during these times and actually fight about anything and everything, all of which are so minor given the situation you may find yourself in. This same mentality should, but doesn't appear to be the case in this what feels like a crazy life we are living in right now all across our country. It makes me extremely sad to see how the state of our country is at this time. The USA is supposed to be the greatest place to live in freedom and ability to have free speech, but as a lot of people say "nothing is free". Well, that tends to hold truth even in the times we live in today. In your work place they may say "say it in the room". Well my experience in that is only say it in the room if it is what they want to hear. Well, that is hyprocy at it's best in my opnion. In your family life you might be explaining something painful/hurtful to or for you and your family and/spouse or even closest friends may listen while you are talking, but are they really hearing what you are saying? I would say the later is likely more the case and that is sad. We as a people and US Americans need to find a way to be there not only for our family and friends, but for our fellow Americans. I don't see that like I did during 9/11. How sad is that. Now versus coming together we have one group of peoplep protesting peacefully and then you have another group of people usuing this as an excuse to just be violent and put innocent people, including our service memebers at risk and/or death. That is not okay. We have got to find a way to come together as a country, but personally we need to be able to support and love our loved ones especially when facing something servious and devastating. Yes, I may be on a bit of a soap box, but I'm so tired of seeing people I love and care for being treated ugly and quite frankly either adding to that ugliness or being ugly right back. This is not the time people! We cannot contril what other people do, but we most certainly control the way we react and respond to what people may or may not have done. Here's a novel idea, spread some good where ever you go and if you are hit with devastating news or treated less than how you would like to be treated, how about we learn to either have a positive response or walk away. Take the higher road people. We have today, we may not have tomorrow. Is that how you would want to leave this world with regret or bitterness in your heart? I know I sure don't. What a terrible thing to think about as we think about our furture.

Just my thoughts lately

I've done a lot of thinkng lately (yes I get that is dangerous). I said very early on when I lost my only child that I did not want that to define me. I've worked very hard to make that happen. Yes, some days I do better than others with this, but I continue to be aware and make that a priority for myself. What I didn't want to do is drown myself in unhealthy activities just to avoid facing the truth of my "new normal" life. I don't believe I've done that. Have I forever been changed as a person that's for sure. I am more withdrawn (if that could be possible)than ever before and honestly, I'm okay with that. I am very aware that others around me aren't as okay with that and for that, although I'm sorry if it bothers someone, I can't/won't change from how I am today. It's not that I necessarily want to change, but it's more of, this is home is a place of peace and solitude for me. There will be some that understand that and there will be some that don't. That's okay. I have watched many people I love and care for go through loss or difficult times and sadly some of those are not handling their situations very well. Before you can think it, I assure you I've already said it to myself. Everyone handles loss or difficult times differently. I totally and absolutely agree and acknowledge that. What is hard is when you see those people that end up living in that dark place and using substance to just cope or face the day and refuse to try and move forward is what is difficult for me to watch and understand. Here's the thing, in my opinion. We are supposed to bury our grandparents, parents and if we live long enough, possibly a spouse as that is the natural cycle of life. What isn't natural is having to out live our children. If you have been fortunately enough to have never lost a child I'm grateful for you for that. If you are navigating this horrific journey my heart breaks for you and I feel your pain (every moment you take breath). If you are unable to handle the natural cycle of life, how could you ever handle the harder things in life? Yes, it sucks to lose anyone we love and we are never ready. I get that, trust me, but you cannot let that not only define you, but you also cannot allow it to be or control your life. I have a saying that I tell my family and friends (and myself). You can be sad and blue today, but tomorrow you have to get up and face life to the best of your ability. You cannot stay in that dark place. If I could, I would never get out of the bed, face my peers, enteract with family and friends. I would just stay in bed and cry and hope I sleep. Don't think for a moment that this comes easy for me, because it doesn't. It is a conscious and deliberate decision I have to make each and every morning since a Wednesday on December, 1, 2010. Have I done a great or even good job of this? A resounding NO! Has it gotten easier almost 10 years later? Another resounding NO! I just know that giving up and doing nothing is certainly not an option nor is it healthy. In addition to just yourself, but if you are fortunate enough to have other children and a loving spouse and family and friends that love you, how fair is it to them for you to just give up? I will own it and admit to you now, there have been many and I mean many days that I have wanted to give up. I still have those days, but I force myself to put my feet on the floor and live my day. Some days I walk through my day in a completely dense fog and there are other days when I do, okay (not great, but okay). I have days when one small word can cause me to comletely break down and sob. I can't explain those moments and for a good long time I tried, but I've given up trying to explain that, I just let myself have that moment and then I have to make a very hard decision to get back up and try again. Listen, I do not have all the answers and I never will, but I do know that self destructing is not the answer and not living your best "new" life is not the answers. I have to believe there is a reason I am still here and my son is not. Number 1 if I don't believe that then I would go quite insane, number 2 I am no good to anyone and then my son's death would be in vain. I don't want that and I know he would not want that for me. If you have found yourselt in this situation and you ever need a person to talk to without judgement, but a person who can truly relate to the depth of hurt of losing someone you love dearly, you can alawys reach out to me and I would be more than happy to listen and support you, but just know that you can have your day, but you cannot stay in that dark place. You have to continue to live your best "new" life until the good Lord is ready to reunite you with your loved one. We are promised if we accept Christ into our hearts that one day you will be reunited. I don't know about you, but that makes it a tad bit easier to put my feet on the floor each day. May you find peace and comfort and find your "new" way through this journey you find yourself in. God bless.

In a moment...

Life can truly change in a moment in time and that change will last a lifetime. We have a sister that has been married 30 years and with her husband for 31 years and they were just here June 24th as our daddy was entering heaven. The day they returned home he started feeling bad and on Monday night when he coughed there was blood. He refused to go to the ER that night because it was late (I know, I don't know any other man that would do that, do you?). Tuesday morning he couldn't stop coughing and it was all blood. This time he agreed (like he had a choice) to go to the ER. Obviously with COVID she couldn't go in with him so she had to sit in the parking lot not knowing what is going on with her husband. Sadly it wouldn't be long before the dreaded news that he was in advanced stage 4 lung cancer. Oh, that's not all, it gets worse. It had spread to his throat, hips, right shoulder front and back, chest cavity, broncial tubes, and is in both lungs with the right one having the largest mass. With in 24 hours he had more tumors and they were growing. Basically they weren't giving him much hope for options. It was not operable and chemo in the traditional way was not an option. They got him stable enough, but they knew the news was bad so they finally let my sister join him in the hospital. That was scary because she had been told they would only let her in if he was at the end of life. Well, I guess he was/is. They finally completed the draining of the right lung and allowed him to go home, but since he didn't complain of pain they did not send him home with hospice. Needless to say, our sister is broken and terrified. The most time they have spent apart was when our daddy was in the hospital for open heart surgery and other than that they have been together every day and night. I cannot imagine facing that with my husband and we don't have 30 years of marriage (yet), but we are inseperable (well in my mind anyway). Seriously, I cannot imagine managing to live my life without him so I know she doesn't know how she is going to put one foot in front of the other when he is no longer here. What she isn't thinking about is that she is very strong and she will not know how strong she can be until that is all she has. Fortunately she has a son and daugher in law that love her and will do anything to help her through this journey and so will her family. If you are reading this I would plead with you to pray for her strength and for him to have little to no pain and not to suffer long. It is really hard to be in AR and her in TN and not be able to just be there when she needs us. I'm heartbroken over that, but we will get there and we will help however we can even if it is sitting on the deck with a glass of wine and cry, laugh, chat, or just be still and quiet.

Nine years and Nine months

Today marks exactly 9 years and 9 months that you were taken from this earth.  I still hurt the same as I did on that dreadful day.  I'm not better, I'm not happier.  I'm the same.  I feel numb most days and I literally leak tears on the inside every moment I am breathing.  I don't know how I have survived this long without you, but for whatever reason, I have.
Yes, I get up every morning and I go about the business at hand and do what I am supposed to do, but I can tell you it is much harder to do with the size hole in my heart. 
Chad, there isn't a moment that you are not missed and loved.  I am never without you crowding my mind and I don't believe that will ever change until we are reunited in heaven.
Tebo and our family and some close friends help me with encouragement or at times to just let me have my quiet time, but it never changes how I feel on the inside.  I often wonder why I'm still hear and you are not.  I see your friends moving on and having lives and doing the things that as parents we want to see them do.  I can't do that with you. 
I have been blessed beyond words you will never hear that Jorden is pregnant and is allowing me to be a huge part in this pregnancy.  She has honored you with naming him Cohen Wade.  It's so lovely that I get to play such an important role in this experience with her knowing I will never truly know what it is like to have a blood grandchild.  She is making me feel as close as I will ever get and I feel so blessed with that.  Chad, she is so beautiful and the closer to her due date (in Nov.) the more excited she gets.  Yes, I am pretty sure I have been a bit out of control with buying for him, but I just can't wait.  It feels like I have a little piece of you coming into this world and I love that feeling.  Of course I would never overstep (on purpose anyway) your aunt Paige's roll as "GiGi", but I am so grateful that they have both just let me be the bonus "Ammy" and be so involved.
Jorden even let me feel her tummy when she came for BoBo's funeral and it was the sweetest thing ever.  She is doing an amazing job with this pregnancy.  Caleb (her boyfriend) seems to be taking such good care of her.  Now, the only issue is I haven't gotten the chance to meet Caleb in person yet, but I do feel like I know him through Jorden and aunt Paige.  He made the Christmas ornament list last year so you know I like him for that to happen.  LOL.... 


God Chadman, my heart hurts so badly for you and I long for you all the time.  Last night or way early this morning in my dreams you finally appeared (very briefly) and all you did was reach your hand towards me, but that's all I saw.  I'm not sure what that means (if anything), but I felt a little peace just in that brief moment.  I wanted more (of course), but I will take whatever I can get.  I was watching the clouds the other day and trying so hard to see your face in them, but never did.  I will always keep watching for you and praying I see you soon.  I love you and you take good care of BoBo, Granny, Jessica, and Grandmother.