Yes, I get up every morning and I go about the business at hand and do what I am supposed to do, but I can tell you it is much harder to do with the size hole in my heart.
Chad, there isn't a moment that you are not missed and loved. I am never without you crowding my mind and I don't believe that will ever change until we are reunited in heaven.
Tebo and our family and some close friends help me with encouragement or at times to just let me have my quiet time, but it never changes how I feel on the inside. I often wonder why I'm still hear and you are not. I see your friends moving on and having lives and doing the things that as parents we want to see them do. I can't do that with you.
I have been blessed beyond words you will never hear that Jorden is pregnant and is allowing me to be a huge part in this pregnancy. She has honored you with naming him Cohen Wade. It's so lovely that I get to play such an important role in this experience with her knowing I will never truly know what it is like to have a blood grandchild. She is making me feel as close as I will ever get and I feel so blessed with that. Chad, she is so beautiful and the closer to her due date (in Nov.) the more excited she gets. Yes, I am pretty sure I have been a bit out of control with buying for him, but I just can't wait. It feels like I have a little piece of you coming into this world and I love that feeling. Of course I would never overstep (on purpose anyway) your aunt Paige's roll as "GiGi", but I am so grateful that they have both just let me be the bonus "Ammy" and be so involved.
Jorden even let me feel her tummy when she came for BoBo's funeral and it was the sweetest thing ever. She is doing an amazing job with this pregnancy. Caleb (her boyfriend) seems to be taking such good care of her. Now, the only issue is I haven't gotten the chance to meet Caleb in person yet, but I do feel like I know him through Jorden and aunt Paige. He made the Christmas ornament list last year so you know I like him for that to happen. LOL....
God Chadman, my heart hurts so badly for you and I long for you all the time. Last night or way early this morning in my dreams you finally appeared (very briefly) and all you did was reach your hand towards me, but that's all I saw. I'm not sure what that means (if anything), but I felt a little peace just in that brief moment. I wanted more (of course), but I will take whatever I can get. I was watching the clouds the other day and trying so hard to see your face in them, but never did. I will always keep watching for you and praying I see you soon. I love you and you take good care of BoBo, Granny, Jessica, and Grandmother.
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