Just my thoughts lately

I've done a lot of thinkng lately (yes I get that is dangerous). I said very early on when I lost my only child that I did not want that to define me. I've worked very hard to make that happen. Yes, some days I do better than others with this, but I continue to be aware and make that a priority for myself. What I didn't want to do is drown myself in unhealthy activities just to avoid facing the truth of my "new normal" life. I don't believe I've done that. Have I forever been changed as a person that's for sure. I am more withdrawn (if that could be possible)than ever before and honestly, I'm okay with that. I am very aware that others around me aren't as okay with that and for that, although I'm sorry if it bothers someone, I can't/won't change from how I am today. It's not that I necessarily want to change, but it's more of, this is home is a place of peace and solitude for me. There will be some that understand that and there will be some that don't. That's okay. I have watched many people I love and care for go through loss or difficult times and sadly some of those are not handling their situations very well. Before you can think it, I assure you I've already said it to myself. Everyone handles loss or difficult times differently. I totally and absolutely agree and acknowledge that. What is hard is when you see those people that end up living in that dark place and using substance to just cope or face the day and refuse to try and move forward is what is difficult for me to watch and understand. Here's the thing, in my opinion. We are supposed to bury our grandparents, parents and if we live long enough, possibly a spouse as that is the natural cycle of life. What isn't natural is having to out live our children. If you have been fortunately enough to have never lost a child I'm grateful for you for that. If you are navigating this horrific journey my heart breaks for you and I feel your pain (every moment you take breath). If you are unable to handle the natural cycle of life, how could you ever handle the harder things in life? Yes, it sucks to lose anyone we love and we are never ready. I get that, trust me, but you cannot let that not only define you, but you also cannot allow it to be or control your life. I have a saying that I tell my family and friends (and myself). You can be sad and blue today, but tomorrow you have to get up and face life to the best of your ability. You cannot stay in that dark place. If I could, I would never get out of the bed, face my peers, enteract with family and friends. I would just stay in bed and cry and hope I sleep. Don't think for a moment that this comes easy for me, because it doesn't. It is a conscious and deliberate decision I have to make each and every morning since a Wednesday on December, 1, 2010. Have I done a great or even good job of this? A resounding NO! Has it gotten easier almost 10 years later? Another resounding NO! I just know that giving up and doing nothing is certainly not an option nor is it healthy. In addition to just yourself, but if you are fortunate enough to have other children and a loving spouse and family and friends that love you, how fair is it to them for you to just give up? I will own it and admit to you now, there have been many and I mean many days that I have wanted to give up. I still have those days, but I force myself to put my feet on the floor and live my day. Some days I walk through my day in a completely dense fog and there are other days when I do, okay (not great, but okay). I have days when one small word can cause me to comletely break down and sob. I can't explain those moments and for a good long time I tried, but I've given up trying to explain that, I just let myself have that moment and then I have to make a very hard decision to get back up and try again. Listen, I do not have all the answers and I never will, but I do know that self destructing is not the answer and not living your best "new" life is not the answers. I have to believe there is a reason I am still here and my son is not. Number 1 if I don't believe that then I would go quite insane, number 2 I am no good to anyone and then my son's death would be in vain. I don't want that and I know he would not want that for me. If you have found yourselt in this situation and you ever need a person to talk to without judgement, but a person who can truly relate to the depth of hurt of losing someone you love dearly, you can alawys reach out to me and I would be more than happy to listen and support you, but just know that you can have your day, but you cannot stay in that dark place. You have to continue to live your best "new" life until the good Lord is ready to reunite you with your loved one. We are promised if we accept Christ into our hearts that one day you will be reunited. I don't know about you, but that makes it a tad bit easier to put my feet on the floor each day. May you find peace and comfort and find your "new" way through this journey you find yourself in. God bless.