Thirty Four and Twenty Five Years

WOW! It's hard to believe that you would have been Thirty Four years old this year and you've been gone from this earth Twenty Five years this year. Both of these are big years and yet it still feels like yesterday and still feels like you are Eight years old. How is that possible. Oh, you know I have to give a little sunshine in all this, because Chadman would be so happy right now, because until next Tuesday you are the same age as he is. He loved this time of year from May 25th until October 19th where the two of you were the same age. LOL! That boy loved that time of every single year. I'm sure he is wearing you out right now and soaking in every minute until your actual day arrives and then he will anxiously await until May 25th again so he can start all over again. Ha! Oh RED, would you love Cohen! You would be the best Aunt Jess in the whole wide world and he would love you, but boy would you love him. He is such a doll. He is so close to saying Ammy. He is now walking and get this.... His first steps he took were on Sunday on the 25th anniversary of your passing. Your momma sure needed that little splash of sunshine that day and then she was visited several times by a butterfly. Thank you for that sweet girl. You have had perfect timing, as usual. You would be super proud of your baby sister too. she is such a good mommy and she is such a hard worker and taking such good care of herself and Cohen. She bought herself a house by herself and has a great job and looks like she may be getting a new job making more money. She is doing great! She is beautiful inside and out, just like you. Saying you are missed is such an understatement it's unbelievable. I'm really glad you and Chadman are together again, but boy do we miss ya'll. We would never want you here in pain, ever! Selfishly, we want you here, but we would never want you in pain or suffering in any way. I know your mommy misses you and for me, I'm so glad she has Jorden and now Cohen to love on. He has been such a piece of joy and grace for her. I have to admit, he has been a slice of joy for me too. Jorden and your mommy have been amazing to let me be a part of every part of his little life. I'm so grateful. You make Chadman give you a huge birthday hug for me and you hug him right back for me and tell him his momma bear loves and misses him and just know that your Ammy loves and misses you so much too. I love you big much RED.

Brag Moment

I have to take a moment and brag on one of my dearest friends. She is like my twin sister from a different mister. We share the same name spelled the same way and we couldn't be more a like in so many ways. The biggest ways is we were single moms for 18 years, we both had one child, a son. We both stayed single a very long time and then dated our current husbands a long time (her 6 years and me 4 1/2 years before getting married). Sadly, we both lost our babies at the young age of 22 years old. While they were lost in different ways, the lost is still very devastating. My baby has been gone almost 11 years and her baby has been gone 3 years. One more thing we will soon have in common is our first and likely only tattoo which are both very personal and precious to us both. I know she wouldn't mind me sharing this here since I know only people who respect and care about me read this so I feel safe sharing. She has his finger prints and will have them in the shape of a heart in a tattoo by the same tattoo artist that did my precious tattoo. I absolutely love her choice. It will be a beautiful tribute and I hope brings her a little piece of happiness and peace to her heart each time she sees it. I love you my dearest friend. I can't wait to share this precious moment with you and honored you want me there with you.

Life Partner

I am no relationship expert by any means. I just want to state that right up front. I have, however, learned after 2 previously failed marriages, learned what not to do. I've also learned after a few birthdays, what is important and what is not so important when it comes to relationships. Some of these learnings can apply to other relationships and not just marriage or your life partner relationships. Is my marriage perfect? No, that would be a lie if anyone tried to claim that, but I do have a great marriage and I feel a very loving marriage. Some of the things I've learned and still learning along the way that I hope will help you along the way or in the future. To give a little background of myself first. I was first married young. My first marriage was when I was twenty years old. I was married for two years when I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my son. He was a miracle baby for sure and it was a tough pregnancy and throughout the entire nine months we weren't sure I would carry him, but through the grace of God and according to my grandmother, her prayers, I did carry him and delivered him on May 25, 1988. While it was the most amazing day of my life, I also suffered from post-partum depression (although I didn't realize it and people didn't discuss that back then. To add insult to injury, my husband at the time the very day I came home from the hospital was found in the driveway doing drugs. I shut down at that moment. I won't go into the details of what the next 4 years of our "marriage" would involve, but I would tell you from that moment forward I was a single mom and I did endure things no wife should endure. I finally got smart and brave enough to finally leave. You would think I would have learned my lesson, but no. I didn't not allow myself the time to heal from the damage done, instead I ran to the first man that gave me "positive" attention and made me feel "safe" at the time. What I didn't realize at the time is that I had jumped from the pot into the fire. I spent the next ten years in a very mental and emotional abuse. At the end of this marriage when I finally had enough and discovered he was having an affair it was turning physical and I am certain had he not been aware my daddy was on his way he would have hurt me physically. So to say I'm a slow learning when it comes to matters of the heart would be an understatement of the year. I decided after that marriage ended that I was moving to Northwest Arkansas (as I knew he couldn't find me there) and start over. I had a job (so I thought) lined up and just as I arrived, that fell through. So arriving in a new state only knowing my sister and her husband with my 12 year old with me and very little personal belongings we moved into my sister's house and I began to look for a job and figure out how to start a new life. Talk about being terrified. What helped me take each step forward was watching my son come out of his shell and see him flurious outside the stress we were living under. I knew then I needed to give myself permission to let my heart and mind heal and so I did. For four years I did not go on a date or even have lunch with a man. I worked and focused on Chad and family and buying my first home on my own. That was the best decision I could have made not only for me, but for Chad as well and for my current marriage. First and foremost, you cannot go into a new relationship with old baggage from an old relationship, especially where there is hurt (and terrible hurt for sure). You need to give yourself whatever time is needed to give yourself healing time before allowing yourself to open your heart again to allow someone else in. It's truly not fair to the other person, but more than that, it's not fair to you to rush into a relationship without first healing hurts from the past. I've learned there should never been any tit for tat. In other words, don't keep score in a relationship. I've seen more times than I would like to count where one spouse says, well, my spouse had a night out with friends so now it's my turn. NO! Or, well, my spouse got a new (fill in the blank) so I'm going to buy a (fill in the blank). NO! That's not how this works. Also, once your are married or in a committed relationship and living together. It's no longer mine, it should be our. That drives me crazy. I hear it all the time. As far as finances goes. That has to be an individual decision. I understand each household can be different based on circumstances, but for us personally, we believe once you are married you should combine your account. There shouldn't be mine, his, etc. It's our account, our money. Regardless if one or both work, it should be our not one or the other. You can't always have division in a relationship and be at one together at the same time. It just doesn't work that way. If you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling you regardless what that might be and you discuss it with your partner and that partner is unwilling to change or at least give every effort to work on it and change then you are in the wrong relationship. If your partner truly loves you and is in love with you, they will do whatever they can to make sure you are happy and fulfilled. There is a difference in loving someone and being in love. Loving someone is an affection, a feeling and it fades. Being in love is an action, yearning for someone and a deep desire for someone. That is real and that lasts when things get tough. Life is messy, hard, unpredictable and unpleasant, but it can be wonderful with the right partner. I'm very lucky to have finally found that partner. It did take two failed marriages and 4 years of being along and then 4 1/2 years of dating him prior to getting married, but once we got married I knew we had a strong marriage. Is it perfect? No. Is it strong? Yes. We could not have gone through the death of Chad and still making it almost 11 years later if it wasn't strong. We are currently building our first house together and we are experiencing some challenges and frustrations on each of our sides that we are navigating through. We are getting there, but we are also learning as we go. We have and are still getting through the COVID pandemic together and come Oct. 1st we will go through me returning to the office again for the first time since March of 2020. That will be a huge adjustment for me and I'm guessing it will be for him as well as I am sure I will struggle on many levels. I am certain we will make it through it, but to say I'm not having some anxiety about it would be a lie. As far as partners and relationships, you will face trials and tribulations and if you don't have that mutual love and respect for each other and aren't truly in love with each other you will struggle more than you will ever imagine. Love will fade like infatuation, but truly being in love will stand firm. You have to be sure that you are truly in love and that your partner is truly in love with you and once you have established that you will know how to proceed. If you have established that you and your partner are not truly in love with each other then you have a big decision to make. You can either agree accept life as it is and keep it like that and that means you don't get to complain about it or bring it up to your partner any longer, because it's obvious it isn't going to change or you make the decision to leave. Either decision would be hard. If you have exhausted all other avenues like counseling, talking with your partner (likely mulitple times) or maybe even tried separation before and none of which have worked, then that is your answer. If you haven't tried some of those options, maybe it's time if you are in love with your partner and maybe your partner isn't sure or thinks they are in love with you, but doesn't know how to show it. It is very difficult for me to verbalize my feelings (which is why I write here) and I do have issues I need to talk to Tebo about and hopefully the timing works out for me to do just that this weekend. It's nothing earth shattering, but it is something I need to get off my chest. I hiope I get the chance to do that this weekend and if not I will have another chance, but in the meantime I will continue to love him and respect him until we get a chance to have our chat. My hope for you is that if you don't have the love of your life that is fulfilling you that you find that. If you do have that, I'm so glad you do and I hope that you continue to live your best life and continue to grow your love and life.

Confusion

To say there is so much confusion, not only with me, but in this world would be a huge understatement. You name it, politics, COVID, the anniversary of 9/11, vaccines, etc. There seems to be so much division and confusion going on in the world today and it is not just dividing political parties, but it is dividing friendships and sadly, families. All I can do is speak for myself personally. So that's what I will do. Personally it makes me really sad that so many things are no considered "political". COVID is killing so many people and now we have to include children and I've heard as young as 1 year old and some unborn babies as many pregnant women are losing their battle with COVID and yet there are so many out there refusing to get the vaccine, because they believe they are being forced by the government. Well, I don't know if we are being "forced" or not, but what I do know is that the vaccine is saving lives and I do believe that is the only way we are going to gain control over this pandemic. This stupid division over the whether to get the vaccine or not is literally driving families and friends apart and that is the saddest part of all of this outside the loss of life. I don't care what party you associate with, I do care if you get sick and die or someone you love does. There are so many "versions" of the truth about vaccines and the virus out there and yes, you have to decide for yourself what you shoudl or shouldn't do, but stop blaming the government. For years there have been vaccine mandages in place. Most of us had to be vaccinated to go to school and most of us had to have our children vaccinated before they could go to school and if you ever served or are serving in the military you were vaccinated with all sorts of things and trust me, you had/have no idea what they injected you with. That's the part I truly do not understand, there is so much opposition to this vaccination, but honestly, this vaccine has been developed and researched for years. We just had no reason to know about it because there were no cases out there. It's no different than when small pox was going around, people had to rush to get vaccinated because we were in a pandemic then and folks weren't resisting then, they wanted to make sure they didn't get infected so they got vaccinated. I've heard many people, family included, stating they didn't trust the vaccine because it was "rushed". Well, it was only rushed through the processed because we are in a pandemic. Would you rather continue to see people die and stay in a lock-down across the country or would you like to see our scientist work with all the government resources and push through the system to provide vaccine options to slow the spread of the virus? You can certainly choose. No one is telling you that you HAVE to get the vaccine. They might be telling you that you cannot work at a certain employer if you aren't vaccinated or eat at a certain restaurant if you aren't vaccinated or show proof of a recent negative COVID test. If that's what you choose, that's your option. If that's what you choose, then you can't be pissed that you get fired and can't draw unemployment or you get turned away from an eating establishment because you expressed your right not to get vaccinated or didn't get tested prior to showing up. That's actually what the mandate states. If you listen carefully rather than getting mad and already preparing your response before getting all the facts you would understand a bit more and maybe, just maybe, be a bit more informed. You might still choose not to get vaccinated, but maybe you wouldn't be so angry with everyone else that tends to agree with the mandage. Just a little food for thought. Another issue that has been weighing on me is the Afghanistan debacle. I've written about it before, but I don't think I could write about it enough. You know, the current president and his administration wants to blame everyone else, including the former president, for how things went down. Well, this is my personal opinion on this matter (again, my personal opinion and I don't expect anyone to agree). Whatever happened in the last administration was wiped away when the new administration took office. That's the way it has always been and always will be. It's no different than when a football team gets a new coach. They usually replace all the assistan coaches with their set of assistant coaches. No different in a company when they get a new CEO, they replace their SVPs and VPs and down the line with their own team. Well, that's what happens when we get a new President of the United States. They bring with them their own Vice President and then they clean house and start replacing those people with the folks they want in their place. Right? Of course they do. Every President has done that and this current administration is no different. Okay, well, if that is the case (and it is), then how wasn't the withdraw from Afghanistan "plan" not Biden's instead of Trump's? I am certain Biden is NOT running the country using Trump's playbook. I feel certain he entered this job with his own agenda. That being said, the plan to withdraw from Afghanistan was all President Biden's plan and direction and had nothing to do with former President Trump's previous plan. Once Biden took office all Trump's previous plans were trashed and Biden's plans took over. I get so sick of hearing this administration blaming everything on the previous administration. What makes me even sicker is all the "Americans" doing the same things. They go on social media and they are being so disrespectful to the President of the United States of America and voicing their opinions like it is the gospil and in ways that are so distasteful. Yes, everyone has a right to their opinion and freedom of speech, that's why I can write my blog and air my feelings here. However, what ever happened to respect and there is this one little thing of living what you preach. Let me explain... If you proclaim that you are a Christian, how can you be so distasteful on social media and disrespect people in ways that your children and people of the church will see that can potentially harm your testimony? That's a very slippery slope in my opinion (again, just mine). Trust me, I did not vote for Biden, I do not like Biden, I do not agree with most of what Biden stands for and I really do not agree with how he handled Afghanistan and how he is running this country. I do, however, respect the position of President of the United States. I love our country and most importantly, I want to set a good example and never intentionally say or post something that would in some way appear that I am setting a bad example for my kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews or great nephew. Adults, I beg you to think about that before you post the next social media post. Just saying. The final thought for the day is just remembering 9/11. It's hard for me to believe it's been 20 years since that faithful day. My precious son was 13 years old on 9/11 and I was at work at a doctor's office when the first tower was hit and I immediately thought, oh my God, I need to get to him. No one knew what was going on or who or what would be hit next. I just knew I needed to know that my son was safe. I called my sister and she went to the school and picked him up until I could get off work. Fast forward to Oct. 2007 and my son would enlist into the United States Marine Corps. He would serve almost his full 4 years until 5 weeks into his final deployment in Afghanistan when he stepped on an IED and was killed in action. So to say 9/11 has a particular impact on me (as most Americans) is an understatement so I was very emotional a bit more this year for whatever reason. Maybe it was due to all the division I see in this country and even with family and friends. Regardless the reason, it was a sad weekend to say the very least and that date also signifies 80 days until my son will be gone from this earth 11 years. On top of all of the above, we had just come off Labor Day weekend which marked 25 years since my precious niece had been diagnosed with brain cancer, which was the first time our family was rocked to it's core. We just didnt realize that would be the first of several times we would be rocked/tested in a major way. We, as a family, have proven to be pretty resilient, but it has shown that we are definitely fractured as a family as well. That part makes me sad, but I also understand that is to be expected I suppose. I know there will come a day when things will just come together as they are supposed to be, but I often find myself wondering when that time might be. I guess only time will tell. Until that time comes or the time comes that I find true peace, I will just continue to exist in this world and pray for the Lord to bring peace and togetherness to this country and most importantly to our families and friends as they should be. I love all my family and I miss the closeness we all once had and would love nothing more than to keep the promise I made daddy in his last days, but I also know I can only do so much and the rest has to be made by others. I will continue to do my part and pray the others will do their part at some point. All my love to my family and friends and all my peace and prayers to those I don't know that might, by chance, be reading this.

When it's been that kind of week(s)

You might say I've had that kind of last couple of weeks. First it feels I can do nothing right for anyone (yes, this will sound likt a pity party). You add on top of that, we are fast approaching the 20th anniversary of September 11th, we had the Afghanistan withdraw debacle and to add insult to injury with the tragic deaths of 13 American Service members, 10 of those being US Marines from 2/1 also, from Camp Pendelton. Then, all in a weeks' time I had a "friend" try to make me feel stupid (again) by proving me wrong. This went a whole different level by dragging a conversation of mistaken identity into the next day with a picture just to prove I had the wrong person and to prove I was wrong via text after she had lied about why she was late to a dinner she requested. Really, who needs enemies, right? Then, top all this off with someone so dear speak to you harshly for no reason and that pretty much sums up my last two weeks. To say my heart is heavy and feels broken would truly not do my heart justice at the moment. Yes, I live with a shattered heart every day regardless, but most days (not all) I can manage to navigate my days with said shattered heart, but when you add all these added broken moments on top of an already shattered heart, well, let's just say... It makes it really hard to not want to just sink into the bed and not want to get up. There are truly days when I feel like there is no way I have anymore tears left to shed, but yet, there are more that continue to fall (somehow). Fortunately, for me, I have a sister I can vent, cry and talk to so I can get it out of my system. I guess if I didn't have that I would just explode from the inside out.

Sorrow

Sorrow comes in so many forms and is so different for everyone. I used to think sorrow was just saddness for those that lost a person, but over the years I've learned that is not the case. I'm learning even now that sorrow can be even knowing that you are going to lose someone you love, but you may not know when. I have a sister that is watching her husband fight cancer and while he has already beat the odds after being told he might have months and has almost hit the one year mark, he is starting to have moments of decline. She is struggling and feeling scared and very sad and angry. I can tell she is having a very difficult time processing how she feels and not knowing exactly how to express these feelings that I'm sure she herself doesn't even understand. I'm not sure how to even truly empathize with her as I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse. I only have experience, sadly, in losing a child. I know I don't want to lose my husband, but to watch him suffer like she is watching her's suffer would just be tragic I would imagine. I am sure there is anger on top of that sorrow and I can only imagine how difficult that must be to process and even put into perspective. On top of trying to wrap your head around all of this, you still have to care for him and make sure you keep yourself healthy and pulled together. Also, she is still working full time so add that on top of all this can only add more stress I'm sure. However, I would think, in some way, going to work must give her some type of reprieve from the gloom and sickness that likely fills the air at home. Just watching him either sleep or move around the house like an ailing man would be very difficult day in and day out. I would like to say there is hope that he will beat this disease, but he is in his 70's and is smoking again and now has started drinking again (which, honestly, I can't blame him at this point) so there is a better chance that he has far less life to live now. He has beat the odds for sure and proven the doctors wrong from his first diagnosis. He is a stubborn man for sure and I guess that has worked in his benefit in this case, and for my sister, I'm glad for that. However, even the most stubborn man cannot fight something as bad as this cancer and now that it appears that he has new tumors, although they are small, and he is getting blood clots and things are declining at times, I believe he has less time than we might think. I hate that, but I do believe it's coming sooner than we might think. I do pray my sister is stronger than she believes she is. I do believe our family will rally around her and be her strength when she needs it the most. I know her son will be there for her and hopefully can talk her into moving to Dallas to be closer to him, but until that time comes we will continue to reach out to her and show her support as much as we can from a distance. Cancer is such a hateful disease and it does not discriminate.

Frustration and Sadness

When frustration and sadness are the only ways to decribe how you feel about a certain situation that you really don't have control over. It's really a stupid situation to have these feelings over given everything else in this world and the fact that I certainly have bigger things to feel that way over, but right now this is foremost on my mind. See, I've been working from home, very successfully, since March of 2020 due to COVID. Then I had a fall in January and gave myself quite the concussion as well as a broken tailbone and due to the recovery of the concussion the nuerologist wrote me out of work until he could follow up with me today. Today he said he wasn't 100% comfortable putting me back in the office full time, but if I felt like I had to return maybe I could start back with one day a week, but he didn't specifically write that down. Instead he suggested I meet with my primary care doctor with whom I see on Wednesday this week and let him weigh in. That's what I will do. On a different note, while I was there I told him that this might not be his line of expertise, but I had a knot in my vein that was sore and a couple of weeks ago was swollen and hurt to bend my arm. He took a look and thought it was a blood clot. I said, should I be concerned. He never really answered that question. He just said, yeah, I think that's what it is. I thought, okay, I guess I will just check with my primary doctor to be safe. I am very conflicted with returning to the office on two levels. One, I truly enjoy the peace of working from home and the productivity. I'm very disappointed in the pressure I feel I am getting to return to the office, but I might as well just get over it, because it is obviously not going to change. The second is, right now I am catching anything and everything that gets with what feels like a 100 mile ratos of me. Mask or no mask, my fear is once I return to the office I will start getting sick and will stay sick every time someone comes in with some type of symptom with no regard of those around us and I will be the one that pays that price. I'm just whining and complaining right now. There are people that have it far worse than I do, but I'm so sad that I feel so much pressure and no support at home to just continue to work from home. I've looked for other jobs that would allow me to work from home, but they all require a degree. It just makes me so sad, because that's not going to happen at my age. I had hoped after tons of conversations that I was working towards the goal of retiring soon once Tia and Drew have babies, but honestly the conversations have actually been turning more towards Tebo talking about him retiring versus me retiring and that hurts my heart too. I would love for him to be able to retire, but he had my expectations up that I was going to be able to do that and now he keeps talking like that isn't even the cards. I guess I am both confused and disappointed at the same time. I am both mentally and emotionally tired from all of it. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful that I have had more than 18 months of being able to work from home. However, I'm terribly dreading the day I have to return. Especially if I have to wear a mask all day at my desk when I can do the same job at home as I will have to do from my desk. It's just ridiculous. Okay, rant over for now, but no promises this won't happen again in the coming days. Ugh!