Frustration and Sadness

When frustration and sadness are the only ways to decribe how you feel about a certain situation that you really don't have control over. It's really a stupid situation to have these feelings over given everything else in this world and the fact that I certainly have bigger things to feel that way over, but right now this is foremost on my mind. See, I've been working from home, very successfully, since March of 2020 due to COVID. Then I had a fall in January and gave myself quite the concussion as well as a broken tailbone and due to the recovery of the concussion the nuerologist wrote me out of work until he could follow up with me today. Today he said he wasn't 100% comfortable putting me back in the office full time, but if I felt like I had to return maybe I could start back with one day a week, but he didn't specifically write that down. Instead he suggested I meet with my primary care doctor with whom I see on Wednesday this week and let him weigh in. That's what I will do. On a different note, while I was there I told him that this might not be his line of expertise, but I had a knot in my vein that was sore and a couple of weeks ago was swollen and hurt to bend my arm. He took a look and thought it was a blood clot. I said, should I be concerned. He never really answered that question. He just said, yeah, I think that's what it is. I thought, okay, I guess I will just check with my primary doctor to be safe. I am very conflicted with returning to the office on two levels. One, I truly enjoy the peace of working from home and the productivity. I'm very disappointed in the pressure I feel I am getting to return to the office, but I might as well just get over it, because it is obviously not going to change. The second is, right now I am catching anything and everything that gets with what feels like a 100 mile ratos of me. Mask or no mask, my fear is once I return to the office I will start getting sick and will stay sick every time someone comes in with some type of symptom with no regard of those around us and I will be the one that pays that price. I'm just whining and complaining right now. There are people that have it far worse than I do, but I'm so sad that I feel so much pressure and no support at home to just continue to work from home. I've looked for other jobs that would allow me to work from home, but they all require a degree. It just makes me so sad, because that's not going to happen at my age. I had hoped after tons of conversations that I was working towards the goal of retiring soon once Tia and Drew have babies, but honestly the conversations have actually been turning more towards Tebo talking about him retiring versus me retiring and that hurts my heart too. I would love for him to be able to retire, but he had my expectations up that I was going to be able to do that and now he keeps talking like that isn't even the cards. I guess I am both confused and disappointed at the same time. I am both mentally and emotionally tired from all of it. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful that I have had more than 18 months of being able to work from home. However, I'm terribly dreading the day I have to return. Especially if I have to wear a mask all day at my desk when I can do the same job at home as I will have to do from my desk. It's just ridiculous. Okay, rant over for now, but no promises this won't happen again in the coming days. Ugh!