Life Partner

I am no relationship expert by any means. I just want to state that right up front. I have, however, learned after 2 previously failed marriages, learned what not to do. I've also learned after a few birthdays, what is important and what is not so important when it comes to relationships. Some of these learnings can apply to other relationships and not just marriage or your life partner relationships. Is my marriage perfect? No, that would be a lie if anyone tried to claim that, but I do have a great marriage and I feel a very loving marriage. Some of the things I've learned and still learning along the way that I hope will help you along the way or in the future. To give a little background of myself first. I was first married young. My first marriage was when I was twenty years old. I was married for two years when I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my son. He was a miracle baby for sure and it was a tough pregnancy and throughout the entire nine months we weren't sure I would carry him, but through the grace of God and according to my grandmother, her prayers, I did carry him and delivered him on May 25, 1988. While it was the most amazing day of my life, I also suffered from post-partum depression (although I didn't realize it and people didn't discuss that back then. To add insult to injury, my husband at the time the very day I came home from the hospital was found in the driveway doing drugs. I shut down at that moment. I won't go into the details of what the next 4 years of our "marriage" would involve, but I would tell you from that moment forward I was a single mom and I did endure things no wife should endure. I finally got smart and brave enough to finally leave. You would think I would have learned my lesson, but no. I didn't not allow myself the time to heal from the damage done, instead I ran to the first man that gave me "positive" attention and made me feel "safe" at the time. What I didn't realize at the time is that I had jumped from the pot into the fire. I spent the next ten years in a very mental and emotional abuse. At the end of this marriage when I finally had enough and discovered he was having an affair it was turning physical and I am certain had he not been aware my daddy was on his way he would have hurt me physically. So to say I'm a slow learning when it comes to matters of the heart would be an understatement of the year. I decided after that marriage ended that I was moving to Northwest Arkansas (as I knew he couldn't find me there) and start over. I had a job (so I thought) lined up and just as I arrived, that fell through. So arriving in a new state only knowing my sister and her husband with my 12 year old with me and very little personal belongings we moved into my sister's house and I began to look for a job and figure out how to start a new life. Talk about being terrified. What helped me take each step forward was watching my son come out of his shell and see him flurious outside the stress we were living under. I knew then I needed to give myself permission to let my heart and mind heal and so I did. For four years I did not go on a date or even have lunch with a man. I worked and focused on Chad and family and buying my first home on my own. That was the best decision I could have made not only for me, but for Chad as well and for my current marriage. First and foremost, you cannot go into a new relationship with old baggage from an old relationship, especially where there is hurt (and terrible hurt for sure). You need to give yourself whatever time is needed to give yourself healing time before allowing yourself to open your heart again to allow someone else in. It's truly not fair to the other person, but more than that, it's not fair to you to rush into a relationship without first healing hurts from the past. I've learned there should never been any tit for tat. In other words, don't keep score in a relationship. I've seen more times than I would like to count where one spouse says, well, my spouse had a night out with friends so now it's my turn. NO! Or, well, my spouse got a new (fill in the blank) so I'm going to buy a (fill in the blank). NO! That's not how this works. Also, once your are married or in a committed relationship and living together. It's no longer mine, it should be our. That drives me crazy. I hear it all the time. As far as finances goes. That has to be an individual decision. I understand each household can be different based on circumstances, but for us personally, we believe once you are married you should combine your account. There shouldn't be mine, his, etc. It's our account, our money. Regardless if one or both work, it should be our not one or the other. You can't always have division in a relationship and be at one together at the same time. It just doesn't work that way. If you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling you regardless what that might be and you discuss it with your partner and that partner is unwilling to change or at least give every effort to work on it and change then you are in the wrong relationship. If your partner truly loves you and is in love with you, they will do whatever they can to make sure you are happy and fulfilled. There is a difference in loving someone and being in love. Loving someone is an affection, a feeling and it fades. Being in love is an action, yearning for someone and a deep desire for someone. That is real and that lasts when things get tough. Life is messy, hard, unpredictable and unpleasant, but it can be wonderful with the right partner. I'm very lucky to have finally found that partner. It did take two failed marriages and 4 years of being along and then 4 1/2 years of dating him prior to getting married, but once we got married I knew we had a strong marriage. Is it perfect? No. Is it strong? Yes. We could not have gone through the death of Chad and still making it almost 11 years later if it wasn't strong. We are currently building our first house together and we are experiencing some challenges and frustrations on each of our sides that we are navigating through. We are getting there, but we are also learning as we go. We have and are still getting through the COVID pandemic together and come Oct. 1st we will go through me returning to the office again for the first time since March of 2020. That will be a huge adjustment for me and I'm guessing it will be for him as well as I am sure I will struggle on many levels. I am certain we will make it through it, but to say I'm not having some anxiety about it would be a lie. As far as partners and relationships, you will face trials and tribulations and if you don't have that mutual love and respect for each other and aren't truly in love with each other you will struggle more than you will ever imagine. Love will fade like infatuation, but truly being in love will stand firm. You have to be sure that you are truly in love and that your partner is truly in love with you and once you have established that you will know how to proceed. If you have established that you and your partner are not truly in love with each other then you have a big decision to make. You can either agree accept life as it is and keep it like that and that means you don't get to complain about it or bring it up to your partner any longer, because it's obvious it isn't going to change or you make the decision to leave. Either decision would be hard. If you have exhausted all other avenues like counseling, talking with your partner (likely mulitple times) or maybe even tried separation before and none of which have worked, then that is your answer. If you haven't tried some of those options, maybe it's time if you are in love with your partner and maybe your partner isn't sure or thinks they are in love with you, but doesn't know how to show it. It is very difficult for me to verbalize my feelings (which is why I write here) and I do have issues I need to talk to Tebo about and hopefully the timing works out for me to do just that this weekend. It's nothing earth shattering, but it is something I need to get off my chest. I hiope I get the chance to do that this weekend and if not I will have another chance, but in the meantime I will continue to love him and respect him until we get a chance to have our chat. My hope for you is that if you don't have the love of your life that is fulfilling you that you find that. If you do have that, I'm so glad you do and I hope that you continue to live your best life and continue to grow your love and life.