Funk Much?

One of those days where I'm just in a funk.  You can ask what is wrong, but I'm pretty sure I won't answer, because quite frankly, one of two things will happen.  I will not be able to articulate what is actually wrong or you would not want to hear it.  Sorry, that's just the truth of it.


Right now I feel hurt, sad, frustrated, alone, angry, and a little irritation.  Is there just one thing causing these feelings?  No!  In general it's just life right now and while I am sure I will get past this (as I always do), right now that isn't the case. 


I don't like feeling like this, but there is nothing I can really do about it except keep to myself and hope no one pushes me too much for answers, because guess what, there are no answers and there is obviously no fix.


Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, it's just a funk.

Guilt, puzzling thing

I've had many people tell me not to feel guilty for some of these things, but that is far easier to say than to do.
I feel guilty if I laugh too much or have too much fun.  It comes in Ebs and Flows.  There are days I feel no guilt at all and other days I'm full of guilt.
Don't get me wrong, I don't feel guilty for anything I have done or not done where Chad is concerned.  I'm at complete peace with that (Thank you Lord), but I do feel guilty that my life continues and I experience things that I know he isn't here to share in or experience himself. 
If I have a moment when I am at complete peace, suddenly I feel guilty.  If I enjoy singing a song in my car while driving, I will suddenly feel guilty.
I can't explain it and there is really nothing anyone can do to make that go away.  It just is what it is.  I seriously doubt that will ever go away and if that's the case, I will just deal with it, but it is a very puzzling thing. 

6th Birthday...

Well, it's really hard to believe this will be the 6th birthday without you.  You would be 28 years old.  That doesn't even seem possible.  You still have those ringlet curls and that sweet little smile to me.  You are still sleeping in those crazy positions that only you could sleep in and then get up and walk.


To say you are missed would be a ridiculous statement.  You are more than missed.  You are longed for.  My heart will never be the same.  Birthdays, holidays, special moments, etc. will never be the same again.


The rest of your family will never be the same and neither will your friends.  You are missed by so many people that it just seems crazy at times.


None miss you more than me, though.  I swear some days it seems like forever and other days it feels like yesterday.  I don't understand that and probably never will.  I just know I have a huge empty spot in my heart and life without you on this earth.


I try to do you proud each and every day.  I'm certain I fall short a lot, but it isn't for a lack of trying.  I promise.


Some days I don't tear up or cry as much as other days, but I don't think there has been a day since December 1, 2010 that I haven't at least had puddles in my eyes.  That will never change.


I would love to see what you would be doing at 28 years old.  Where would you be working, would you have any children, how would we celebrate.  All those things and more run through my head all the time (not just on your birthday or special occasions). 


I will never know those things, but I can find some peace in knowing where you are and the fact that I am guaranteed to see you again one day.  That is not necessarily comforting, but it does offer some peace when I need it most. 


Happy 28th birthday buddy and happy 6th heavenly birthday.  I wish I could visit heaven and give you a huge hug and tell you one more time how much I love you!   Simply put..... YOU SHOULD BE HERE!

Mother's Day 2016

This was the 6th Mother's Day without him. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad. There was a void there that just cannot be filled. 

However, I'm one blessed "Bonus Mom". I have kids (yes you will all always be kids in my book) who go out of their way to make sure I feel loved and thought of each Mother's Day (and throughout the year) and for that I'm so grateful. 

This year we went to OKC to see Tebo's mom and sister and I know it did his mom's heart good to see her baby boy on her special day. What mom doesn't want to be with their kids on Mother's Day.  That's really what makes that day so special. It also gave Tebo and I some uninterrupted alone time in the truck coming back to talk and just sit in quiet while we reflect. He took me to lunch on the way back and we just enjoyed time together. That never replaced being with your kids, but I'm so lucky to have him and he just allows me to feel however I need to feel at that moment. Thank you Babe for that. 

Here are some of the sweet things I received for Mother's Day this year. 

I didn't get a picture of my new purse Tebo got me, but it was a great DB purse that makes traveling a little easier. Thank you Babe. 

   (From Tia (although she did way too much). They are adorable and the wrapping job was even better)

(From Trevor. Now, to most they would be like, what?  For me it's fabulous!  You put vinegar and water in it, place in microwave for 7 min. Wait 2 min. And wipe clean. It works!  He also got me a liner for the bottoms of the oven so when his dad cooks I don't have a huge mess to clean up). Good job Trev. 

     (From my USMC Boys!). Yes, these guys never forget and the card was even sweeter. (See below)

Then, all the text messages and phone calls and emails I received just warmed my heart. I don't need all these things, but it sure made my heart full. 

So thank you to each every one that gave me something or reached out yesterday.  It turned out to be a very nice Mother's Day. ❤️

Then I ended my day with our favorite wine.  

        (Courtesy of a very good friend)

Please Don't

If you know someone who has lost a child please don't tell them it will be okay. It's never going to be okay for that child to not be here. Don't remind them that God has a plan. They probably know that, but right now there is no way to understand what plan might include the loss of their child. 

Don't tell them it will get easier. I don't want it to ever get easy to miss my son. 

We know you care and you don't know what to say but a hug and no word is better than some of the phrases people feel they need to say. 

Please and thank you.... 

When it's your parent

Alzheimer's is one of, if not the, saddest diseases out there.  It steals your loved one before they are physically gone.  Sadly, my family has seen far too much of this disease and quite frankly, I'm desperate for a cure or at least a solution to keep our loved ones themselves for far longer.


I was able to go to NC and see mom this past weekend and while the trip was mostly to discuss getting some in home care for her, I really needed to be able to see her in person.  It's one thing to talk to her on the phone, but sometimes you just need to put your arms around her and show her how much you love her.


It truly was so sad to see how much she has declined in a year.  She is just not mom, really.  She has moments when she is, but for the most part she is a shell of who she was. 


She has started hoarding things in her room and things just don't make sense where she puts them.  Mom was always an immaculate house keeper and now she isn't.  She was always one to present herself very well with her clothes and now she struggles to dress appropriate for the weather.  There are so many times when you just see her eyes glass over and you know she isn't really with us at that moment and that is hard to watch.


She doesn't remember to eat or take her medications unless someone is actually there to put it in front of her and make her eat or take her medicine.  It's just so sad to watch.  They truly do revert back to child like behavior at this point and that puts loved ones in a hard position.  It's hard to balance making sure they are safe and ok when they are still your parent.  You (or at least I do) walk a fine line with still respecting the fact that she is the parent and knowing there are decisions that have to be made for her well being and not wanting to upset her or take too much of her independence away.


I am truly grateful that my sister, Paige, is so close and willing to take time away from her life to make sure mom is ok, that she has eaten, that she is dressed appropriately, etc.  If you have never had to be the care giver for someone in that position, it would be hard to even comprehend what it takes out of you.


I was only there for 4 days and not 24 hours consistently with mom and I was exhausted.  It becomes more emotionally and mentally exhausting than physically.  It is difficult to explain unless you experience it yourself. 


Paige and I decided to clean mom's room, drawers, and closet while I was there.  We wanted to organize it and put her winter clothes away so she would have only options for weather appropriate clothing.  We spent more than 4 hours working in her room and finding some of the oddest combinations in drawers.  At some point you might as well laugh or you would just cry.  We chose to laugh and have a good time with it.  We had mom sit on the bed and try on clothes to make sure things fit and we would start a pile for Good Will and then put winter clothes in her hope chest hoping out of sight out of mind.  We would find her pulling things from the Good Will pile and folding them.  LOL!  It was fun made out of a sad situation. 


We completed her room and Paige made labels for her drawers.  We went back over after our meeting on Monday to take her to lunch before I flew out only to find her in a turtle neck!  How in the world did she find that?  It was almost 80 degrees outside and here she is dressed for winter again.  We just looked at each other and laughed and let her wear it.  When we returned her back home we went in to help her with a few things only to find random things in wrong drawers again.  How did this happen so quickly again?  It had been less than 24 hours. 


Here is the thing about this disease.  There is no rhyme or reason to what they do or why.  It's not like you can scold them for it, because they can't help it and they don't know why they did what they did and may not even remember they did it at all.  You just have to suggest that it be placed somewhere else or just move it without speaking a word.  You also can't say, "don't you remember"?  No, they don't remember.  If they remembered they wouldn't be asking you again or they wouldn't be looking all over the place for things they misplaced.  It's hard not to say that or even be frustrated, but reminding them that they don't remember only kills their confidence and spirit, but it does no one any good.


So now we find ourselves with getting mom some in home care and while it is only 2 days a week and 4 hours each day to start, at least it is a start.  It's my hope that this will give my sister some peace of mind when she can't be there, as well as Don, but also that mom is safe and not alone so much.  Luckily our aunt Frances will have mom on Wednesday for bible study so that will only leave Monday and Friday with mom alone most of the day.  That is comforting for now.  I know at some point she will need someone with her 24/7, but for now this will help.


If you are living with and caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's, I am so sorry.  You know all too well how challenging and heartbreaking it can be.  However, if you are the main care giver or play a huge role in the care giving, I urge you to make sure you take time for yourself and accept help when you can.  The worse thing for the care giver and the patient is for the care giver to get burned out or frustrated.  It could be easy for that to happen as it takes such a toll on your life and in every aspect of your life.  No one person can do this alone.  You must have help.  Don't try to be a "hero" and think you can take it on all on your own, because you can't and it won't be helpful to anyone. 

Remembering Prince...

I'm not insensitive to the death of Prince or any other celebrity that passes away.  All deaths are sad and there is a tremendous loss and for some that loss is felt much more profoundly than others.


What I am actually frustrated about is the fact that there is so much media and other celebrities making such a big deal and drawing so much attention to these people, yet I don't believe, outside Chris Kyle, Pat Tillman, and a few other well-known military men/women, that these same celebrities and media outlets don't know one name of those that have died in the line of duty or after returning home.


Don't get me wrong, I don't expect the media or celebrities to make a huge deal over every military service member that passes away.  Frankly, that would sadly be a 24/7 tribute as there are men and women in our Armed Forces dying every day.  We don't hear about that.  In fact, most people on average, I believe, tend to forget we are still at war and we are still losing these young men and women daily.  If we aren't losing them on the front lines, we are losing them here at home.


Wouldn't it be nice instead of spending full days and sometimes weeks paying tribute to a fallen star, we recognize and pay tribute to them during their show and then at least acknowledge our men and women serving to protect us during their show as well.  It can be the same amount of time spent, but at least give them something.


Let's face it, if it weren't for these brave men and women, these Artists and Celebrities couldn't do what they do and have the privilege of making the kind of living they do, by doing what they love. 


That is really all I wanted to say.  I do hate that Prince died and at such a young age.  I'm an 80's girl and grew up listening to his music and I do love his music.  I loved Merle Haggard, Michael Jackson's music, and so many more.  I loved many of the celebrities that we have lost over the years as well, but I also love our military and what they sacrifice for all of us. 


It just seems that unless you are a highly paid celebrity or musician, etc. you barely (if at all) get recognized for the world losing you.  That seems really sad to me.


Please watch this video and listen to the song.  It speaks volumes http://www.military.com/video/forces/tribute/remember-our-fallen-heroes/1258862130001

Photo by Bing Military Fallen

High School friends for life... Should not have to experience this

Honoring Chad - Camp Pendleton, CA

Chad's memorial - Camp Pendleton, CA

They should not have had to lose a brother so soon and so young

Honor

Photo by Bing Military Fallen

Photo by Bing Military Fallen -Arlington

Photo by Bing - Because I'm not heartless... In memorandum of "Prince"