Missing the little things...

You know how it is as busy parents, you overlook some of the little things until they are all grown up or in some cases no longer here that you really start to think how big those little things were.


I did relish in nearly everything "CHAD".  I was probably over protective and overly involved in his life, but that's all I knew how to be with him and I'm sure him being an only child played a huge role in that behavior, but now, I wouldn't change a second of that.


I was a single mom from the time he was 3 years old so it was on me to do it all.  The fun stuff and the not so fun stuff.  I didn't mind, but I did struggle with the discipline part of parenting, but I did it, just did it reluctantly.  However, it was being the baseball, basketball, roller blade/skate board, and soccer mom/cheerleader that I enjoyed so much.  Oh what a joy he was to watch do sports.  Were there times I felt like we met ourselves coming and going and changed uniforms for the next team in the car on the way to the next event?  Yes!  However, I would not trade it for anything in the world.  It was a true joy and delight to do that with him and just watch him grow with every season.


I loved seeing him asleep in "his chair" in the crazy positions and I even miss him gagging at the smell of boiled eggs.  I still can't make boiled eggs without thinking of him doing that and now I sit next to a guy that is Chad's age that almost does the same thing.  I decided to accept that little coincidence as a little visit from Chad.  It makes me smile every time it happens (so thank you Ty). 


This will sound odd, but I even miss worrying about him.  As a parent we worry about our kids regardless of their ages unless they are under our roof and tucked safely in bed asleep (at least I did).  I miss fretting over not hearing from him for a while and wondering where he is and what he is doing.  There have been times that I actually even miss sleeping with my cell phone in my hand just in case he called in the night (yes, I was the mom that did that).


I know that "he is in a better place", but I would sure feel better about that if I could see his face.  I miss his voice and his face so much that I feel actual pain.  I even miss what could have been with him.  I miss what his career after the Marine Corps would have been.  I miss the children he never had.  I think those are common things a parent would feel if they lost a child.  There are times those misses will consume my thoughts and while mostly at night when I should be sleeping, it can happen at any time and usually without warning.


It is said that we will see each other again one day and I do believe that, but some days, that just isn't good enough for me.  Today happens to be one of those days.  The little things I am missing today feel huge!

Time

Some days it is hard to believe it has been 6 years, 3 months, and 14 days and other days it feels like forever.  You've been gone now longer than you went to high school or even served in the USMC.  That doesn't seem right.  It's real and true, but not right.
There isn't a moment that I am breathing that I'm not thinking of you and missing you terribly.  I miss your face and that crooked smile.  I miss that sense of humor and those crazy positions you would sleep in (in "your chair").  I miss kissing your forehead, because you thought I was a dork for wanting to hug and kiss you all the time.  I miss you giving me grief for being so sentimental.  There really isn't anything I don't miss about you.


One day I will see you again and you will know how much I love you.

All to get to you

Funny how I thought I knew what I wanted and needed in high school. I was in love with my high school sweetheart and just knew we would get married and be together forever. Well, that turned out not to be the case. 

To escape the heartache I rushed into a marriage that while horrible things took place and heartache happened the most amazing blessing came out of that, Chad.  After being told I would most likely not have children and to be blessed with the most amazing little man made me feel like I was far blessed than I deserved. 

Again to escape from yet another disaster I rushed again into another marriage and this was like jumping into a real life nightmare. I will spare you all the details but I now know I went through all those relationships to find my way to you, Tebo. 

The Lord really does know what he is doing (although there were many times in my life I wondered). 

HE knew there would be a day that he would call my baby boy home to heaven far sooner than I thought was fair and I definitely was not and still not ready. HE knew I would go through some really scary health issues and I would need you for all this. 

I'm so grateful you and I went through the relationships we went through. They gave us our children and made us who we were when we met. 

All we both went through have made us better spouses to each other. 

I would have never wished or wanted the heartaches we both experienced, but I now wouldn't trade them for anything as they molded us to be perfect for each other. 

I can't imagine living this journey we call life with anyone else. You truly are my rock, my best friend, and the love of my life. 

I hope I can show you how much you mean to me and how appreciated you are. If I ever fail to do that I hope you or someone reminds me quickly. 

Thank you Babe for everything. You have had to help me far more than most husbands are challenged with and you have done it not only with amazing grace but with an unwavering love.  I only hope all woman know what this kind of love is like in their lifetime. You were and are worth the wait and any heartache I had to go through to get to you. ❤️

The end of an era

If you know me at all it is no secret that I love and respect Peyton Manning.  However, some people may not really know or understand how deep that love and respect goes.


See, I first came to love Peyton through the TN Vols.  Actually, that isn't true.  I grew up with my daddy loving Archie Manning and therefore all the Manning boys.  I kept my allegiance to Peyton, because, well, Eli played for Old Miss and I was too young to really watch and understand the game when Archie was playing.  Don't get me wrong, I think the entire family is a stand up family and I have the utmost respect for them all and how they have carried themselves in the public eye, but I am devoted to Peyton.


See, when I was old enough and interested enough to watch football we were and still are die heart TN Vol fans.  That being said, I pulled for any team Peyton was playing for and in turn, so did Chad. 


Chad was as crazy about Peyton as I am.  Chad had already decided long ago when/if he had a son his name would be Peyton and there was no negotiating that fact. 


When Chad deployed to Afghanistan in 2010 he was scheduled to return home almost on his 23rd birthday.  I wanted to do something special for him since he had spent 2 birthdays overseas in a war zone so I did some checking and was able to obtain a signed picture of Peyton Manning.  Yes, I know that they send millions of these out to so many fans, but I choose to believe this was specifically sent to me for Chad.  I received the picture pretty quickly and I received a phone call from Chad from Afghanistan within days of receiving it.  I was so excited that I literally could not wait for his return to tell him about it so I spilled the beans (again, if you know me, this comes as no surprise).  He could not have been more excited!  In fact, all he could say is, "that's crazy, mom", "that's just crazy", "how did you do that?".  This went on for several seconds and suddenly the call dropped!  I was crushed at first because I didn't get to tell him I loved him before I lost him, but then remembering the excitement and literally being able to see the smile on his face through the phone was enough for me.  I held on to that call and said the next call I will just tell him I love him first. 


Sadly that was my very last phone call with Chad.  He died days after that while on patrol.  I had planned to have the picture framed for him so I could give it to him in California when he returned home from deployment.


After some time past after Chad was taken from us I decided to write Peyton and tell him thank you for the greatest last phone call a mother could have ever asked for.  I wasn't sure he would ever get the letter so I decided to send the local paper in Indianapolis (since he was still a Colt at that time) a note to let them know the kind of man they had as their star quarterback.  To my amazement I received a personal hand written note from Peyton on his personal stationary along with the clipping of the article I sent to his local paper.  Here is what his note to me said...

"Dear Tami,

I am very sorry for your loss.  I was happy to hear that your son was excited to hear of his autograph before his passing.

I am very grateful as an American for your son fighting for our country.  Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

Peyton Manning"

At the bottom he wrote this scripture...  Mathew 5:4 "Blessed are these who mourn for they will be comforted"

I was so touched that he would take the time to not only write this note to us, but to include a scripture and the clipping from the paper that I had Chad's autographed picture and the letting and news paper article framed and it hangs in our office today across from a picture of Chad. 

It's not that we as a nation just lost a quarterback, the game of football (in my opinion) lost a great example of a stand up man who is genuine and sincere.  I will miss seeing him on the field each football season, but I know we will see him doing great things going forward. 

                                 

Fathers be Fathers

I know there are a lot of great fathers/dads out there.  I have an amazing one and my husband is an amazing father, but there are many out there that either don't understand how to be a great father or just don't care enough.


I know this can go for mothers too so don't think I'm just pointing the finger at fathers, because I know many mothers that need to figure out how to be a good mom, but since the father piece of this is what impacted my son's life, that's what I am most focused on at this time.


Sadly, my son did not have a great father.  He had every opportunity to be a great father and while he would like to blame me for his lack of involvement with his son, it all falls on him.  Fortunately Chad had my daddy and eventually had my husband to be that father figure he was missing and honestly, I believe he ended up on the better end of that situation.  However, I know (especially when you read what he posted in May 2010) it impacted him greatly. 


I'm not going to say much else, instead, I will let his son say it for me.  If you have a child that feels this strongly that he would post something on Face Book (and ironically the same year he would lose his life in war), then you know that being absent impacts your child more than you can even imagine.

I believe that what Chad wrote, he meant.  I know he went out of his way to be a great husband and he would have been an amazing father.  I can say that with confidence, because I saw how amazing he was with other children and especially his nieces and nephews and his cousins.  He definitely learned what NOT to do and for that I am proud of him.

When night falls

It's one thing to constantly be thinking of you during the day with some distractions here and there to help me get through the day, but oh when night falls.  If I'm unable to clear my mind enough to fall asleep and if I'm lucky enough that nothing wakes me before say 2:00 AM, then I might have a decent shot of getting some restful sleep.  However, on those nights when I'm not so lucky to clear my head or if something occurs and I awake in the early morning hours, there is no settling my mind down at that point. 


Those kind of sleepless nights tend to be harder than if I would just stay up all night and busy myself.  I feel sluggish and just not with it all day and this can go on for up to 3 nights in a row and then I will crash hard.


I've had 2 of these nights now and I would like to hope and pray that tonight would be the night that I would crash, but that is left to be seen.  My mind wonders to so many different places when I'm left alone at night with my thoughts of you.


This last couple of nights have been especially hard because the "What If's" and "What Would You Be Doing Now" questions have run through my mind constantly.


I often wonder if you were upset in the end that I didn't do more to protect you.  I will probably always wonder that whether you would have ever thought it or not.  I think that's just what moms or parents do when they lose a child.  I spent your whole life trying to protect you from harm and when you needed it the most I could do nothing.  That eats at me and especially in those sleepless nights.


Would you be a police officer now?  I happen to think you probably would be so I like to go that direction.  Would my fears for your safety be less?  Probably not, but hopefully you would be close and at the very least I know you would be state side.  That seems to give me comfort for some reason.  Maybe because I know I could at least get to you should I need or want to. 


Every time I hear a particular song or see something that I know you would totally be all about, I am taken back for a moment and those questions flood my mind.  It is a bit easier during the day when I can busy myself not to just continue allowing those thoughts to just run through my mind, but oh those nights.  There is literally no stopping those thoughts once night falls.


There is so much we still had to say to each other and so many firsts we still needed to experience together as mother and son so just letting go isn't an option.  Keeping those thoughts far from my mind isn't an option and I would also venture to say these sleepless nights will always be around.  Maybe one night I can be productive with these thoughts that run wildly when night falls, but until then I will just continue missing you and asking myself all these crazy questions that I will never have answers for.


I love you and missing you is an understatement.  I will continue to forge through this life until we see each other again and oh what a reunion that will be so just get ready for endless hugs and kisses on the forehead.  I will have lots of catching up to do and you will just have to be ok with that and knowing you like I do, I know you will be.

What If

So people always say don't ask "what if" or live life on "what if's", but honestly, that's difficult to live by (well for me anyway).
I wonder all the time about some what if's and decided I would answer some of my own questions to the best of my ability.  However, to explain, this is me trying to convince myself of these answers and sometimes putting it in writing helps put things into perspective and sometimes not...


What if:  I had said, no to him asking me if he should deploy this last time.  He didn't have to go.  He had already deployed and he was an only child so technically he didn't have to go.  Well, I didn't say no.  Instead I told him to go home and talk to Katie and sleep and pray on it and see how he felt after that.  Well, of course none of that happened.  He basically made up his mind before he had enough time to even get home.  So, what if I had told him no?  First, there was a very good chance he would have gone anyway and second, he couldn't have lived with himself had he not gone and something had happened to one of his guys.  That I know for sure.


What if:  I had gone to get him that night he called me a hot mess while in SOI?  He called me at midnight ready to get on a plane and fly to Mexico.  He was upset which of course had me upset, but I couldn't let him know I was upset.  Instead my instinct of "tough love" kicked in.  What I told him is he will pull himself together and gather his thoughts, pray, and get some sleep and he would call me first thing in the morning.  Quitting was not an option so I had no option, but get tough.  He said yes ma'am and we hung up.  I immediately broke down in tears (poor Tebo) and started praying.  I prayed so hard that night and continued until I heard from him when he woke up.  He called just as he promised and said, you are right mom.  I'm staying and I can do this.  Dang right he could do this, but talk about hard to have a conversation like that when your baby boy is in California and hurting and scared and at the time I was in Tulia, TX at my mother-in-law's house on pins and needles.  So what if I had gone to California (or Mexico) and brought him home?  Well, despite the legal issues he would have faced, what would I have been teaching him?  Quitting is always an option?  You just give up when life gets hard?  Those were not things I wanted to teach my son.  He was better than that and he needed to see for himself that he was...  He did!


What if:  I had not accepted his bride and the fact that he was getting married so quickly and to the first girlfriend he really ever had?  Well, first, I never thought I could or would like let alone love any girl he brought home.  I had never had to share him with another female (buddies, yes).  I thought that I would be the "Monster-In-Law" for sure.  Well, it's funny how we just assume how we will behave, because honestly, knowing how much he loved her was really enough for me to love her.  In fact, I basically courted her while he was in Iraq and handled the ring and she and I planned the wedding all while he was in Iraq.  What if I had said, no?  Well, he was going to marry her anyway and I would have missed out on one of the most important days of my son's life and missed out on enjoying the fact that I now had a daughter.  I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in this world.  I was blessed that she allowed me to be a part of the entire process down to picking out the dress.  A mom of an only son couldn't ask for anything more.  Would I do it again, hell yeah I would, in a heartbeat.  Watching my son getting married and be so in love and be a husband even if it were just over a year was a blessing I would never give up.  There are so many moms that don't get that privilege and I cherish that experience and those memories with all that I have.


What if:  I had not told him about his surprise birthday present I got him and was planning to give him when he got off that bus returning from Afghanistan?  See, he was due to return to California right around his 23rd birthday.  I had managed to get an autographed picture of Peyton Manning and I had planned to have it framed and give it to him for his birthday.  Well, I was so excited when it arrived that on our next phone call he got to make from Afghanistan I was bursting with excitement and had to tell him.  He was literally the most excited I had heard him sound in so long that I still have to smile every time I relive that call.  The call was literally less than 3 minutes long before we got cut off and mostly what he said was, "that's crazy, crazy I tell ya!  How did you do that mom?".  Then the call dropped.  At the time I was so excited about how excited he was that it actually took me a few minutes after the call to realize I didn't get to say I love you before the call dropped.  I was terribly upset about that and even told Tebo I would say I love you first before we say anything else next time.  Well, sadly a week later I would never get that chance.  So what if I hadn't told him?  I wouldn't have the greatest last phone call a mom could ask for.  That boy loved Peyton Manning (almost as much as I do) and you could literally hear his smile over the phone.  I wouldn't trade that memory either.


So, what if I continue to ask myself all the What If questions?  It will give me a reason to pause and think of all the things I could/would have missed out on had things not gone the way they did.  It level sets me again and allows me to relive some of those memories a little extra.  So ask the What If's if you need too, but don't live there.  Don't get so hung up on the What Ifs to the point you can't move forward.  That is easier said than done some days (again, I'm speaking to myself), but on those days I just dig a little deeper and find more happy memories (and thank God there are lots of those) and hold onto those a little tighter.


There isn't a moment that I am breathing that I'm not missing him, thinking about him, loving him, and remembering him.  I long for him so much I ache.  I know I will see him again one day and I know he isn't suffering, but knowing that doesn't make me miss him less.  That will never change, and that I know for sure.