One Hundred Twenty Six Days

I cannot believe it is only 126 days until it will be eleven years since you left this earth. There are days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like forever ago. I will tell you the pain is exactly the same with the exception of some days it feels the pain is deeper and harder. It truly feels like the pain and sadness does come in waves and there are times I do feel as though I may drown. I haven't drown yet, obviously, but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way at times. The struggle is still very real every single day. I had someone just this week tell me that she knew it got easier over the years, but some years were still harder than others. I agree some years are harder than others, but I completely disagree that it gets easier, it does NOT get easier. At least not for me it hasn't gotten easier. I don't expect it will ever get easier for me and I'm not trying to be a negative Nelley here, I'm just being real. I also wouldn't want it to be easy not having you here. I still struggle every morning wanting to get up and put my feet on the floor and face the day, but I do it. I go through the motions of life every day, but I don't like it. I guess no one ever said I had to like it, but they did say I had to do it. The only saving grace, for now, is that I'm still allowed to work from home. I'm so grateful for that. I dread, daily, the day I have to return to the office. I guess I will just have to face that fact when/if that happens, but until then I will continue to enjoy my time at home in my solitary time. Chad, I have to tell you that I never thought I could live even one minute without you here on this earth, but I definitely never thought I could live almost 11 years without you here. I don't know how or why I am, but there must be a reason for it. I sure wish I knew why. Right now it makes no sense to me. I don't know what good I am serving being here to be quite honest. Especially since BoBo is no longer here, but apparently the Lord has a reason for it. I just wish he would give me a little clue. I'm just tired all the time and I know a big part of that is just the missing of you and longing to see you, hug you, smell you, and just see that crooked little grin. I need that so badly that it's hard to truly express it in words. I just feel all that in my heart so much that it actually hurts my heart physically. I will stop here or I will not get a bit of work done today. Just know that I love you and miss you beyond what words could ever truly express. I pray you are dancing up there and you and Jessica and BoBo and Granny are having a great time. I also hope that you and Billy are having fun (and not getting into any trouble) LOL Wait for me by the gates when you know I'm on my way and tell me everything I've missed since you've been there and give grandmother a hug for me. I love you son. Love, momma bear.