When words aren't there

There are days when there are no words to explain what I'm feeling on the inside. I'm having those days this week. It started yesterday after going to the cemetery. I don't know why and I can't tell you what triggered it. I just know while I was there I got a knot in my stomach and I thought for a moment I would throw up. I didn't, but I had to fight that feeling off for a couple of hours after. I got home and settled back in to work and had to really work hard to stay focused through the flood of tears that ran down my face. I don't know what causes this to trigger at times with no warning. It just happens some times. At 5:00 I logged off work and took the book I was reading and sat on the patio while I waited for Tebo to get home from work and just read with very low music playing and my water sitting there and tried to pull myself together so he didn't noticed I had cried all afternoon. It must have worked because he never asked or mentioned anything. The kids were in our area at dinner time and wanted to meet up to eat so we did. That was a nice distraction until Tebo casually mentioned that I needed to go back to the office. Well, number one I'm not released to return to the office yet from the neurologist from my fall, but regardless, I'm not sure why this is such an issue for him. I'm not hurting anyone by working from home and I am working. I'm getting all my work done plus house work done. I'm giving them far more hours working from home than I would going to the office, so again, I'm not sure what the issue is here, but whatever! I'm sick of hearing it. This isn't the first time he has made this comment so when I go to my follow up appointment with the neurologist in August I will just let him release me to return to the office. I'm hurt that he continues to bring this up and I am sick of feeling guilty for working from home when he says things like that so I will just go back. I will pick and choose the days that I will ride with him or drive and I will work from home on Friday like he does. It will be time to put that "office mask" back on again and play that "everything is okay" game again. God! I'm dreading that day coming again. I've so enjoyed being able to just do my work and not have to wear that freaking mask all day long that everything is okay, but whatever! I will just do what I need to do, but trust me, it will not be welcomed in my heart and I am sure a big part of me will shut down. I will be more exhausted emotionally like I was before COVID, but what do you do. When you feel pressured to go back and the person that is supposed to be the closest to you doesn't get that it's this hard for you to face this again doesn't get it what do you do. You just do what the hell you have to and just deal with it. So that's what I will do when that dreadful day comes, and it will come far sooner than I had hoped.