Painter

If you have lived very long at all you know the expression, painting a pretty picture. Well, in life we all do that at some point in our lives. We "paint a picture" for the world to see, or our friends/family to see vs. the truth or the "real" us. You know the "painted picture", the woman going through cancer and she shows up with this bright smile on her face, but underneath she is in pain and feels very self-conscious, because she is bald and likely has had a mastectomy and feels like less of a woman. Although, we all know she is more of a woman, because we see how strong she is and that makes her even more beautiful than any hair on her head or boobs on her body could make her, but she isn't feeling that way, but she isn't showing that to the room. What about the young woman who has desired to be a mother for so long and finally finds herself pregnant and enjoying all there is about being pregnant and even has announced it to the world and named her precious new baby just to go into labor early or to unknowingly lost her baby and is left devastated, but has to go on regardless like everything is okay. It's not okay for her, so she "paints" her picture. Imagine the woman that devoted her life to a man that she adores and thought she would spend the rest of her life with and discovers one day that things don't seem quite the same, but then gets in her own head thinking she is going crazy and not to mention he doesn't help by making her feel like she is just paranoid only to discover she was right all along, he was cheating. Suddenly she finds herself "painting" her own picture of being okay when she walks into church on Sunday or work on Monday when in truth she has no clue how she is going to function now without her soul mate. This might seem trivial to us, but not to this young person. What about the teenager who just got her period and she is the first one in her group of friends to achieve this horrific milestone in a young woman's life, but she can't let the others in gym class know so she walks in from the locker room with her head held high and completes gym class as though nothing is wrong. During the entire class she just really wants to hide under a rock, but this might likely be the first time she has to show her real strength in life, but we all know it won't be her last. She just had her first piece of art work that she painted, but she likely didn't realize it yet. How about that sister that has a difficult sibling that regardless how hard she tries, nothing is ever right enough. This happens to be a sister that really does try hard to do the right thing all the time (although she knows she fails a lot of the time) and yet no matter how hard she tries there is always something that doesn't please another sibling or a reason this other sibling isn't happy. Suddenly there is this huge wedge that is between them, but this one sister knows that it is her job to make sure that her "duties" are fulfilled and done with dignity and class, because it's the right thing to do. So, the painting continues. The problem is, this sister is becoming a bit too good or maybe familiar is the better word for her "painting" abilities. See, this sister has been perfecting her painting abilities for a very long time. You could probably go as far as to say most of her life. See, this particular sister has spent her life (as long as she can remember) making sure she didn't purposely upset anyone and making sure everyone got along best she could. Peace keeper would probably be a good way to describe her. She never wanted to upset the apple cart I guess you could say. Always wanting to keep the family together and keeping the peace between everyone and making sure no one was ever disappointed. Exhausting, huh? You could say that. It's not that it is really exhausting, really. The biggest thing it is, really, is disappointing when after so many years and fighting back her own, we will call them demons for now, is that there is still no improvement being seen. It's sad really. See, that sister mentioned above is me. I've worked very hard for (okay, I don't admit to this number very often) 54 years now (at least since I was a teenager) to keep the peace and try to make everyone happy. Regardless how hard I try it just seems that there are some of our siblings that just cannot be happy no matter how hard any of us try. I'm not the only one trying, trust me. I've probably just been the one trying the longest, which makes sense since I'm the oldest. See, the "demons" as I refer to, is my own sadness. I know "demons" is probably not the best description of sadness, but it's the best way to describe how sadness makes me feel at times. See, I lost my only child in December 2010 and since that day I have had the saddest heart. The only person who could even begin to understand what a sad heart like that could feel like is another parent that has lost a child. Don't try to compare this kind of sadness to the loss of a parent (I've lost both my parents, it's not the same). I've not lost a spouse, but I can assure you, it's not the same. This struggle is real. It's as real as the ones above, but there is no real healing from this. All there is from this is the learning of how to cope better or at least becoming a better painter. There are days I do a better job of painting than others. It's been a blessing that I've been able to work from home since March 1st of 2021 thanks to COVID, but I know the day will come that I won't have the luxury and for that I am sad. At least when I'm working from home, I don't go through as much "paint". If I have a "moment" I can just take that time and gather myself and move along. Once I'm back in the office that won't be the case without multiple people taking notice. If you have not walked in these shoes (and I pray you never do), then you will have a hard time understanding this, but when you have these "moments" the last thing you want is someone asking you if you are okay. No! I'm not okay and no, there is nothing you can do. I appreciate you asking (no I really don't appreciate it, but what else should I say?), but if there were something you could do, I would have you do that on December 1, 2010. Sometimes it doesn't take an anniversary or birthday or holiday to trigger emotions. Some days it can be a song that comes on the radio, or a commercial on TV, or a video I happen to see or the mere fact that I over hear someone complain about their kids and I think yeah, one day you will be glad you have them to complain about and I will suddenly burst into tears. So painting takes lots of practice, at least for me. Even after 10 1/2 years I'm still trying to get it right. You might wonder where in the world am I going with all this. Maybe it feels like I'm rambling, and maybe I am. What I would like to say is this. Be careful to judge someone that might seem to be in a bad mood or may not seem to be paying attention like you think they should be. They could be going through something and just "painting" a picture that things are okay when they are far from it. I'm sure I meet people at times that don't know me that would have no clue what I'm going through. That's the point of "painting", right? Making sure no one knows your truth or pain, whatever it might be? So my challenge to you would be the next time you perceive someone as being rude or in a bad mood or just not paying attention the way you think they should be, stop and think for a moment that maybe, just maybe they are going through something and maybe their "painting" just isn't as complete as it should or needs to be just yet. Show some kindness and patience with them. You just never know how much showing a bit of kindness might mean to that person at that very moment. As for me, I can tell you, that just showing you care or even just give a damn that I'm still alive on this Earth when you have no clue how difficult that is most days, how much that would mean to me. So to that sibling that can't see past her own bubble or that friend that is so wrapped up in herself or that total stranger that wants to get pissed off because I forgot that I was supposed to turn right and had to make a quick turn last minute, maybe pause and think for just a moment that I might be struggling a little bit for a moment, but if you will show a little compassion, I will get my "painting" completed better for the next day (hopefully) and things will go a little better for YOU next time our paths cross. Please and thank you.