Not only tired

I'm not only tired. I'm exhausted. Not even in a an exhausted like I can just go to bed early and wake up and feel refreshed kind of tired. It is a kind of exhaustion that can't be explained with words or even an understanding by anyone unless you are a parent who has lost a child. Yes, I get it, my blogs sound like a broekn record and if it does I would suggest just not reading them any longer. The reason I say that is because that is how I will likely always feel and unless there is something else going on that is what is always on my heart (my son). My heart, mind, emotions, you name it, they are all tired. I find myself feeling aggitated on a regular basis these days and if you know me at all, you know that is not me. Trying to stay focuses or even excited about anything right now is a struggle. I try my best to keep this as quiet and private as possible, but I am sure I'm doing less than pefect at managing this. I really don't want a lot of people I am close to even knowing how I'm feeling. There is no particular reason for that other than maybe not wanting pity or the attention, I just like to keep that part of me close to the chest. If I do need to get something off my chest I know I can reach out to my sister, Paige, but for the most part I either blog here or just deal with it quietly. That could be why I'm usually tired, but that's really the only way I know or feel comfortable dealing with those emotions. I have often been told that grief has no timeline and honestly I've not really considered that I was still grieving, but maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Whatever I'm still doing it just is what it is and I'm pretty sure it's here to stay for however long it takes or forever. I know one thing for sure, it has changed me forever. I will never be the person I was prior to losing my child. I will never be "okay" again. I will figure out how to manage a bit better, but there are going to still be those days that I fail and some days I fail miserably. All I can do, is the best I can do each day. I'm at least trying. I guess that's really all I can really do.